Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Chris's Midterm Forecast

Based on the latest polls, sophisticated number-crunching and a lifetime of experience covering Washington, Chris's Midterm Forecasts are a must-read for any political junkie!  Unafraid to talk tough and go against the grain of conventional wisdom, Chris's take-no-prisoners forecast cuts right to the heart of what's happening on the Beltway!

ARKANSAS
Wow, tough one to forecast!  Here you've got a real "swing state showdown" between two strong candidates.  Tom Cotton and Mark Pryor, two real great guys, I'm sure.  Hey, if I told you I knew what was going to happen I'd be lying!  This one's a real coin-flip for me.
VERDICT: TOSS-UP

KENTUCKY
Another toughie!  Couple of great candidates, I love them both.  Everyone's asking, will Grimes pull off the upset?  Does she have a chance?  Seems like -- I don't know.  Probably not, I guess.  But she definitely could win -- I'm not saying she couldn't.  Don't think I'm saying anything bad about her.  This one's a coin-flip if I've ever seen one.
VERDICT: TOSS-UP

TEXASTwo real solid candidates here, I am truly in love with these candidates.  I feel like Cornyn's got the edge, but I'm not gonna close the book on Alameel just yet.  Hmm, tough call, tough call.  Hold on, I'm gonna check what FiveThirtyEight says.  All right, they've got Cornyn at a 99% chance to win.  Wow.  That seems a little high.  I'm sure this Alameel guy is a smart guy, and he's probably trying hard.  Seems like if you're TRYING to win, they should give you better than a 1% chance right off the bat, but what do I know.  I don't want to say anything bad about him just because he's losing.  Or she's losing, I don't know.  What's Alameel's first name?  "David."  Probably a man, but I knew a girl named David, so it could go either way.  I remember I had gym with her in grade school and she fell off the balance beam and slammed her teeth right into it and they completely shattered in her mouth.  Or was her name Dana?  That would make more sense I guess.  Who do I know named "David?"
VERDICT: TOSS-UP

LOUISIANA
I've never even BEEN to Louisiana.  I'm supposed to act like I know what's going to happen there when I've never even been there?  Forget it.  Flip a coin.
VERDICT: TOSS-UP

MONTANA
Montana.  Two tough competitors there, I'm sure!  I fucking love both of these fucking candidates, pardon my language.  All right, so they've got a Democratic incumbent, but he looks like he's polling really bad.  Walsh.  But he seems like a good guy, I mean I don't know anything about him, but you don't get into the Senate if you don't have something going for you.  Man, though, look how bad he's doing.  Other guy.  Aah!  I don't know.  All right, I'm going to close my eyes for five seconds and clear my mind, and then I'll open my eyes and I'll just have a FEELING who's going to win.  Five-four-three-two-one.  FUCK!  Nope, again.  Five-four-three-two-one.  Other guy.  Ok, the other guy, NOT Walsh.  Or Walsh?  Now I'm really feeling Walsh all of a sudden.  Fuck, coin-flip, coin-flip.
VERDICT: TOSS-UP

SENATE CONTROL
Hey, this one's still too close-to-call!  Lots of great candidates, could go either way -- 2014's shaping up to be a real "coin-flip" year!  I love politics!
VERDICT: TOSS-UP

Thursday, July 17, 2014

My shell

Sure is hot today, isn't it?  One of those days the sun seems to beat down on you without mercy.  Where you can hardly move because it feels like all the energy's been sucked out of you by the sun's thirsty rays.  It's just plain hot.

That's why I'm wearing this turtle shell made of cardboard and paper on my back.

See, because I was in my apartment the other night, sweating away as usual, when I started to think to myself, maybe I should not be so arrogant as a person as to believe that I have all the answers, and maybe I should look to the animal kingdom for a clue to the question of how to beat the heat.  For aren't there many animals that live in these kinds of temperatures frequently with hardly a complaint?  And what animal is more effective at this than the turtle, who lives for hundreds of years in hot, filthy muck?  So I went to the library and checked out several books about turtles and learned that they cooled themselves by rubbing wet grass on themselves and hiding in their shells, which also protect them from predators.  And I said, well there you go, if that isn't the answer right there in front of you!

I thought about rubbing wet grass on myself also, as the turtles do, but I didn't want to look like a weirdo.  So I decided only to wear the shell.

I made the shell out of cardboard and paper last night in my apartment.  What I did was I took a couple pieces of an old box and taped them together and then kind of bent them into a bit of a round shell shape, which was a little tricky, because the boxes were originally rectangles.  And then I used a couple pieces of twine to make straps so that I could hold it on my back in a manner similar to that of the turtle (although turtles don't have straps, it is my understanding that their body is just sort of mooshed inside).  I also painted the shell green to give it a real turtle feel, which I thought would get people more excited about it.

The turtle shell was almost immediately effective.  As the heat in my apartment grew, I just pulled myself inside and felt as if I were entering a refrigerated igloo!  And even walking around, the sun didn't feel as hot, because it didn't beat on my back.  The turtle shell was so effective that I wanted to share it with others in the park.  I could just imagine how every person having a shell might change society.  We might eliminate heat wave-related deaths by encouraging our elderly and vulnerable who are unable to afford air conditioners to retreat into their shells for hours at a time.  We could begin to inhabit previously inhospitable climates -- not to speak of global warming, if that's true as they warn (I certainly don't want to take a controversial political opinion on that one!)!

I began to approach people casually in the park to strike up a conversation with them.  I would usually begin by discussing something relevant like the weather, and then only jumping at them and showing off my shell when their guard was dropped.  In this way I was able to shock many people, which was the intended effect, but I was somewhat perplexed by the "cool" reaction (no pun intended!) I was receiving to my shell from others.  A couple people I was able to engage in conversation only after removing my shell, but then when I put it back on they walked away from me very quickly.

Towards the end of the day, I was approached by some tough teens.  I could hear them snickering at me as I approached.  I tried to walk past them in a nonchalant manner, not making eye contact with them, but they grabbed me as I walked by.  They asked me about the faggot construct I was wearing on my back.  I decided to talk to them confidently, and began to explain some of the primary benefits of wearing the shell, but before I was able to finish they began to shove me.  I realized, I could get myself out of this situation peacefully, if only I followed the example of the turtle!  I curled up and hid in my shell, but it didn't take long for the teens to stomp a hole in it and then continue stomping at me until I was injured enough for their satisfaction.

But the truth is, I have enough cardboard at home to make yet another turtle shell for the warm weather, and I plan to do exactly that tomorrow!

I think there are many lessons we can learn from the turtle, and we probably already have.  What are buildings, but shells that we put in the ground instead of carrying on our backs?  And isn't a sharp beak to cut through leaves a better (and healthier!) option than many teeth that can be corroded by too much soda and candy?  I hope to be getting a beak soon.  Society is another thing that can be reorganized to more closely resemble the world of the turtle.  The turtle, others have said, does not love -- it merely procreates bloodlessly, its spawn hatching out of thick, leathery eggs, abandoned by all but the tides.  This, many would say, is less than what we humans have now.  But the turtle also never feels alienated and humiliated by its own kind, for larger turtles receive no satisfaction from victimizing their smaller brethren.  And so if the turtle's experience of life is narrower, it is narrower on both ends, with less love but less hurt too, and how many of us are truly lucky enough to be in a position to say honestly that we would not be better off living as the turtles do?

Monday, June 23, 2014

Readings from the Holy Bible

Please follow wildaggressive on Twitter or subscribe to wildaggressivedog on Youtube for thrice-weekly inspirational Readings from the Holy Bible.

The first one is Mark 5:9.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Music theory

There are a total of eight notes in music.  They are: doop, bop, bee, bow, hum, zip, THUNK and dip.  Notes can be combined to form objects called chords.  Some of the most famous chords including brum, brrem and brrrm.  These three chords make up the popular musical hymn "Alone With Christ."

Alone with Christ;
Alone with Christ;
A love fulfilled,
Alone with Christ.

Though extremely popular, "Alone With Christ" is far from the only song one can construct using music.

In fact, many songs share the same chords with each other.  Sometimes the chords are played in a different order, or at different intervals (called, in music terminology, "beat-marks").  Sometimes the chords are played in the same order and with the same beat-marks and it is other factors, such as instruments or notes, which makes the songs different.

The truth is, music is kind of a scam.  It's all the same shit.  Just find an old song and rerecord it and change a couple words and do some stupid shit over it like add record scratch noises or something and now you can claim it's your intellectual property.  Any moron can take fifteen minutes and write a fucking song.  Play a couple chords, throw in a chorus, play the same chords, you're done.  Or just plonk a few things into a piano or get one of those annoying boxes where you sing into it and loop your disgusting grunting noises and sing some ethereal garbage over it, there you go, it's a song.  Get a gangly guy to fiddle around on a drum machine and that's all you need.  Huge scam.

Another factor to keep in mind during the appreciation of music is tempo.  This means how fast or slow the song is being played.  Another factor in music is volume.

I loved a musician once.  She played in a band with a couple of other guys I didn't like, I didn't like the band either, not because I didn't like the guys but just because they weren't very good.  Still, she was living the kind of life I wanted to live, not in the details, but in feel and meaning and scope -- in aim; in direction.  I told her this one night, but that was after I told her I thought her band was bad, so she didn't pick up most of it, I don't think.  She told me I lived like one of the stupider and less popular species of animals, docile and afraid.  I said, fair enough.  She told me my soul was a kind of deep, stinking rot.  Ably described.  She told me I lacked the capacity and the brain size to imagine another kind of life for myself and I told her it wasn't true, and that I meant to show her, and I closed my eyes then and reached down into what I understood to be myself and tried to get a hold of all the feeling and meaning and experience that had accreted there like salt on a pier, but I found nothing except for a kind of love I'd already given up on and a scared animal that wanted to be left alone and a very strong urge to, for the first time in my life, smoke a cigarette.

Saturday, May 03, 2014

Fuckface

We have a real relaxed friendly kind of workplace.  It takes a little while for new guys, sometimes, when they first come in, to get used to the atmosphere, because it's not like what they're used to.  Guys'll really get on you.  Fun, teasing stuff, finding stuff to make fun of you for.  Like I've got this nose that's bigger than your average nose, and it's sort of bent to one side because of a time when I was a teenager and I fell off a bridge and landed on a sharp part of a log.  So they'll call me Honker and Jew-Nose, stuff like that.  Wipe their rears with rags and then a couple of them hold me down and shove the rag under my nose and tell me to take a big sniff with my big "Jew-Honker."  Stuff like that.  Funny friend stuff.  Good pranks like that.

It's fun because everyone gets their equal or close-to-equal share of the pranks.  This guy Mike, for example, he's a real bad driver, so he gets teased about that sometimes, the guys call him a bad driver and stuff like that.  This other guy Jim is bald, so people make cracks about his bald dome.  Other stuff, too.  Like one time, they got this locksmith buddy of theirs to change all the locks at my home while I was at work.  And then they told the locksmith not to return my calls so I couldn't get inside that night.  So I had to sleep on a pile of leaves on a night when the temperature dipped below 30 degrees.

Pretty much anything goes with us.  Wives and girlfriends especially.  Like, some guy will hear, "how's the dog" or "how's the filthy pig" if he's not exactly dating a pageant queen or anything, and let's face it, who of us is.  My Rachel comes in for a lot of that, may she rest in peace.  Or the guys will say "I saw your girl yesterday, she looked prettier than ever" and show me a picture of a moldering corpse (not Rachel's, of course, but another one).  It's true she wasn't the prettiest flower (except for in my heart) so it's fair game for them to call her very ugly.  That's just part of being "one of the guys."

There's always a lot of that stuff happening at lunch.  A guy will swipe another guy's dessert treat, or someone will come up from behind me and put a knife to my throat and tell me he's going to kill me, and then everyone will bust out laughing because of how scared I look.  Or the other day, Nick spilled his milk and everyone had a good laugh at him about that.

And then after that, to really make Nick feel foolish, they stripped me naked against my will and threw me in Nick's office and leaned up against the door so I couldn't get out, and Nick had no choice but to see the meager gifts God gave me.  He sure didn't like that!  Well, Nick, sorry, but if you're going to spill your milk at lunch like a goof in front of everyone, that's just the kind of friendly teasing you're going to have to expect to come in for!

Although, I admit I did say to the guys that maybe we should go easier on each other sometimes, when all Nick did was spill a little milk at lunchtime.  They said maybe I was right, and then the next day they printed out a lot of signs that said "KILL YOURSELF" and taped them up all over my work station, along with a noose they hung from the ceiling and some other implements of destruction scattered around.  Well, checkmate, guys!  I guess they were trying to teach me about not always having an appropriate sense of humor about things, and, guilty as charged, unfortunately.  But I definitely didn't complain about that, because I know I can take it.

Just some other funny pranks.  They turned the air way up in my work station and put some ice down on the floor and I slipped on it and concussed myself.  They sprinkled some prescription laxatives on my food one day when our district supervisor was in town and I got reprimanded and fined for using the bathroom so much, even though one time I didn't quite make it to the toilet in time.  Guys would call my phone at late hours of night and early hours of morning until I started taking the phone off the hook when I went to sleep, and that's how I missed the news of my Rachel's worsening and, later, fatal condition.  They ordered me a bunch of pizzas I couldn't pay for, and a big pile of several thousand square feet of gravel that they had delivered to my apartment complex in my name, which caused my landlord to threaten to kick me out until I agreed to a 300 percent rent hike, because nobody could get in or out the one entrance, such was the height and girth of the gravel pile -- everyone had to jump the curb and drive up onto the grass and one elderly woman's car got stuck in a shrub.  They throw sodas at me whenever they see me waiting at the bus stop.  They write sexually explicit and embarrassing notes to women at restaurants and such places and sign them with my name and attach pictures of me so the women behave frightened around me when I come in.  Sometimes when I'm washing my hands in the bathroom, one of them will come up from behind me and slam my head into the mirror until it breaks.

My buddy Greg, I stole one of his pens, and hid it inside his chair, so it would poke his bottom.  That was funny.  Then he pinned me to the ground and pulled my pants down and entered me with a flashlight.  Turnabout being fair play.

Someone killed my dog.  I don't know if that was a "prank," per se, or just an unrelated accident, but the guys at work all knew about it before I told them.

Lots of other stuff.  I'm afraid to go into work every day.  Ha ha.

I asked Pastor Chet for counsel, because I was worried that I was reaching the limits of my ability to cope with some of the pranks in a Christian manner.  He told me to suck it up and made fun of me for being a virgin, which I no longer am, and which he should know, since he was the one who buried Rachel.  It was March and the sunlight was hard and annoyed like a naked fluorescent bulb.  The machine they had there to dig the grave had broken off part-way through because the ground was too cold and hard so the hole had an angle of about 30 degrees at the bottom, but it was deep enough, so they just lowered her in.  I heard her slide down the incline to the foot of her coffin.  I told Pastor Chet, but he said that dead is dead, and as soon as they piled the dirt on her, it wasn't going to make a damn difference anyway.  The guys had rented a little plane with a banner flying behind it that read "FUCKFACE," and it flew over at this point in the service.  I watched it do a few circles around the cemetery.  From down on the ground, its engines sounded like the massage cushion I bought myself for my chair, so I closed my eyes and pretended I was back at home and the little pads were kneading my shoulders.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Cream, 3

Monroe Valley Poison is the strongest poison on the market, because it comes straight from our poison factories to your refrigerator.

We at Monroe Valley Poison personally guarantee that our poison is more lethal than Barnes Creamer.  That’s probably why they don’t even market themselves as a poison at all.

Barnes Creamer can’t point to a single fatality caused by its so-called “poison.”  That’s not good enough for my family.

Monroe Valley Poison.  Extremely lethal.  Only use as directed.  No longer cream.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Cream, 2

We at Monroe Valley Cream can no longer guarantee that our cream does not contain poison.

After a rash of recent accidental poisonings, we at Monroe Valley have been forced to back away from recent guarantees that our cream contains zero poison.

In response to a recent Monroe Valley ad, Barnes Creamer issued a press release, guaranteeing “in no uncertain terms” that its cream contained no poison.  But in light of recent unforeseeable poisonings in the cream industry, how could Barnes Creamer make such an irresponsible claim?

Because they don’t respect the intelligence of their customers.

Monroe Valley Cream.  We can no longer claim that our cream contains no poison.