Burlington blogging

Scottywood has suddenly become better than me. Hopefully that won't last for long.

Dan is trying to slander me. I wish I had that tee shirt. By the way, I was not winking and pointing like a goon in that picture, I was pointing at him and telling him not to take it and squinting because anything brighter than a twenty light bulb is too much for my eyes to handle. No, I can't believe I'm single either.

Never ask a Bostonian about their duck tour boats

Trust me. Even if you're right, you will have pepper thrown at you and you will be thrown in bush (and in an unrelated incident, you will have ice cream kicked at you which will get all over your shirt).

More Hell

I don't take disappointment well. That's why I think my personal Hell will be exactly like the real world except everyone will tell me it's Heaven. I'll die and Satan will be standing there with a white robe and a big fluffy fake beard.

"Welcome to Heaven, my son!"

"Oh, great! Wow! Huh...it's a little...it's a little cold here."

"Well, it is December."

"Yeah I know, but I thought...you know...I just kind of figured God's Heavenly Kingdom was...you know...temperature regulated. No, this is, this is still great though, wow! Yeah...Heaven...alright..."

I'll be waiting in line for stamps in my Hell. "Gee, I must say, I really thought Eternal Paradise would have a more efficient way of distributing stamps. You know, I've been waiting in line for twenty minutes here...aw crap, they're towing my car out there."

I am disrespectful to dirt! Can't you see that I am serious?

Today I saw an Asian kid wearing a Simpsons Mr. Sparkle tee shirt. So. Cool.

A Dialogue in Hell

LARRY: Hey, Bob? Bob Simmons, is that you?
BOB: Oh. Yeah. Hey, Larry. How...how are you doing?
LARRY: You know, same old same old. Yeah, I've been here two years or so. They put me in the ring of the slothful but I'm taking a break. So how have you been?
BOB: Oh, all right.
LARRY: So. I see you're in the ring of deviant homosexuality.
BOB: Uh, yeah. Yeah.
LARRY: Gee, I had no idea. I mean you had a wife, two kids.
BOB: Yeah, I think they must have made...a clerical mistake or something.
LARRY: Right, right, right. Well anyway, I'll see you later.

Lunar Eclipse in Kenmore Square

ahhhhh

Women: Stupid

More wacky news from the Fork.

DALLAS (AP) - A man arrested for allegedly posing as a doctor offered free gynecological services and set up an office in a self-storage complex, authorities said.

The room looked like a real medical office, with numerous pieces of medical equipment, said Bridget Eyler, an assistant district attorney for Dallas County. Three women who reported their visits to the man's office were reluctant to discuss details, the prosecutor's office said.

Yeah, if I got fooled by a guy who offered me gynecological services in his self-storage complex I'd be reluctant to discuss details too.

Thomas Patrick Remo, 50, remained in custody Wednesday in lieu of $7,500 bond on three counts of practicing medicine without a license. He used the names Dr. Jim Patrick and Dr. Brian Jones and his office was in Cedar Hill, Eyler said.

Responding to the advertisement for free medical care, an investigator posed as a patient and used a button camera to film an office visit. During the visit, Remo wore white pants and a white scrub shirt, and had a stethoscope around his neck. He allegedly told the undercover investigator that he obtained his medical education in Arizona.

Correction. If I got fooled by a guy who offered me free gynecological services in his self-storage complex I'd be really really reluctant to discuss details too.

Ashlee Simpson's message board shut down

After a couple days of obscene and hilarious abuse, the Ashlee Simpson message board got shut down (or at least severly restricted). This is her personal message that is now at the front.

I'm sure you all have figured out how crazy its been the last few days,but I just wanted to personally write to y'all-my true fans-and thank you for your support and love. I have decided to speak openly and honestly about what happened on snl because I want you guys to know what really happened. My acid reflux started acting up and I know my real fans know that music and performing is my true passion and you support me for that....I couldn't control what happened that day. [Wah wah. You can't sing anyway acid reflux or no acid reflux.] People always say things that are hurtful,and I encourage my fans to do what I do and not read what people are saying on the internet [Pph]...in a couple of days everyone's attention will be on someone else [well, your career will be over, but we'll all still be laughing at you]. As far as me and my band are concerned...we are all a family and love each other very much-they are the best guys in the world and I wouldn't want anyone else to be with me at this time. [Ah hahaha. You blamed the band because you can't sing, you no-talent skank.]

Keep up the support...its the love my fans have shown me that makes me want to go back out there and continue to prove all the negative press wrong!

Look out for me to go on tour starting in January...its gonna be awesome!

I love you guys!!

Ash

Linkfest

All three of these links brought to you through me by the Fork.

It's hard to say anything about this. It speaks for itself, I guess.

Scottywood in twenty years?

Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease let this end up in Burlington, CT. If it doesn't, I may have to take a trip out to North Dakota myself.

Igor:

"What is screen?"

A Real-Life Conversation

SOMEONE: You're a vegetarian?
NEHA: Yeah, well, a pseudo-vegetarian.
ME: (Sarcastically, of course) It means meat-eating. A meat-eating vegetarian.
CHARLIE: Really? So then what's a pseudo chop?

The Best of Balderdash? Blimey!

Nonillion
A type of small frog that lives in the hair of sheep.
Greg

Feb. 7th, 1949
A jet was unable to take off the runway on account of a large woodchuck lodged in its primary turbine engine.
Dan

Willywaw
A type of 4-man seesaw.
The Fork

NABR
Naturalists Against Burt Reynolds
Rioux

Jan. 18, 1955
A family finds their missing seven year old daughter lodged up their chimney after her corpse falls on their unattended fire and smolders for three hours.
Me

Despite the best efforts of the cast, crew, and writers, SNL is hilarious

Many, many thanks to Dan for pointing this hilarity out.

Hopefully, Ashlee Simpson's career is over after this. (Right click->Save target as)

Then, her "apology" at the end of the show. You're not fooling anyone, Ashlee. Just like you're not fooling anyone with how you spell "Ashley." (Right click->Save target as)

To go with a theme, here's other live-TV and music related hilarity.

Jon Stewart rips apart the poor schmos from "Crossfire." (Just click it)

Fred Durst rocks out. Who says this guy doesn't have talent? (Right click->Save target as)

Nickelback gets a less than warm reception from Portugese rock fans. (Right click->Save target as)

The story that gets better with every sentence

MALLORY: A guy punched me once.

...

Well I hit him first.

...

He was pretty coked up at the time.