You really need to see the picture. The picture is what makes the story.
Top Four Hogzilla Punchlines
4. Louie Anderson!
3. That's not my Hogzilla!
2. Chappaquiddick!
1. Miss Frazer's Rascal!
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Shorthand note of a cross-examination of Mr. Trellis on the occasion of his being on trial for his life, the birth of Furriskey being referred to:
[From "At Swim-Two-Birds" (it's a book but I don't know how to do underlines on this thing) by Flann O’Brien, the “birth” of Furriskey refers to his creation as a character by author Mr. Trellis. I’m only about 75 pages into this book so far but it’s good and quite funny.]
In what manner was he born?
He awoke as if from sleep.
His sensations?
Bewilderment, perplexity.
Are not these terms synonymous and one as a consequence redundant?
Yes: but the terms of the inquiry postulated unsingular information.
(At this reply ten of the judges made angry noises on the counter with the butts of their stout-glasses. Judge Shanahan put his head out through a door and issued a severe warning to the witness, advising him to conduct himself and drawing his attention to the serious penalties which would be attendant on further impudence.)
His sensations? Is it not possible to be more precise?
It is. He was consumed by doubts as to his own identity, as to the nature of his body and the cast of his countenance.
In what manner did he resolve these doubts?
By the sensory perception of his ten fingers.
By feeling?
Yes.
Did you write the following: Sir Francis Thumb Drake, comma, with three inquiring midshipmen and a cabin boy, comma, he dispatched in a wrinkled Mayflower across the seas of his Braille face?
I did.
I put it to you that the passage was written by Mr. Tracy and that you stole it.
No.
I put it to you that you are lying.
No.
Describe this man’s conduct after he had examined his face.
He arose from the bed and examined his stomach, lower chest and legs.
What parts did he not examine?
His back, neck and head.
Can you suggest a reason for so imperfect a survey?
Yes. His vision was necessarily limited by the movement of his neck.
(At this point Judge Shanahan entered the court adjusting his dress and said: That point was exceedingly well taken. Proceed.)
Having examined his stomach, legs and lower chest, what did he do next?
He dressed.
He dressed? A suit of the latest pattern, made to measure?
No. A suit of navy-blue of the pre-War style.
With a vent behind?
Yes.
The cast-aways of your own wardrobe?
Yes.
I put it to you that your intention was purely to humiliate him.
No. By no means.
And after he was dressed in his ludicrous clothes…?
He spent some time searching in his room for a looking-glass or for a surface that would enable him to ascertain the character of his countenance.
You had already hidden the glass?
No. I had forgotten to provide one.
By reason of his doubts as to his personal appearance, he suffered considerable mental anguish?
It is possible.
You could have appeared to him—by magic if necessary—and explained his identity and duties to him. Why did you not perform so obvious an errand of mercy?
I do not know.
Answer the question, please.
(At this point Judge Sweeny made an angry noise with a crack of his stout-glass on the counter and retired in a hurried petulant manner from the court.)
I suppose I fell asleep.
I see. You fell asleep.
Conclusion of the foregoing.
In what manner was he born?
He awoke as if from sleep.
His sensations?
Bewilderment, perplexity.
Are not these terms synonymous and one as a consequence redundant?
Yes: but the terms of the inquiry postulated unsingular information.
(At this reply ten of the judges made angry noises on the counter with the butts of their stout-glasses. Judge Shanahan put his head out through a door and issued a severe warning to the witness, advising him to conduct himself and drawing his attention to the serious penalties which would be attendant on further impudence.)
His sensations? Is it not possible to be more precise?
It is. He was consumed by doubts as to his own identity, as to the nature of his body and the cast of his countenance.
In what manner did he resolve these doubts?
By the sensory perception of his ten fingers.
By feeling?
Yes.
Did you write the following: Sir Francis Thumb Drake, comma, with three inquiring midshipmen and a cabin boy, comma, he dispatched in a wrinkled Mayflower across the seas of his Braille face?
I did.
I put it to you that the passage was written by Mr. Tracy and that you stole it.
No.
I put it to you that you are lying.
No.
Describe this man’s conduct after he had examined his face.
He arose from the bed and examined his stomach, lower chest and legs.
What parts did he not examine?
His back, neck and head.
Can you suggest a reason for so imperfect a survey?
Yes. His vision was necessarily limited by the movement of his neck.
(At this point Judge Shanahan entered the court adjusting his dress and said: That point was exceedingly well taken. Proceed.)
Having examined his stomach, legs and lower chest, what did he do next?
He dressed.
He dressed? A suit of the latest pattern, made to measure?
No. A suit of navy-blue of the pre-War style.
With a vent behind?
Yes.
The cast-aways of your own wardrobe?
Yes.
I put it to you that your intention was purely to humiliate him.
No. By no means.
And after he was dressed in his ludicrous clothes…?
He spent some time searching in his room for a looking-glass or for a surface that would enable him to ascertain the character of his countenance.
You had already hidden the glass?
No. I had forgotten to provide one.
By reason of his doubts as to his personal appearance, he suffered considerable mental anguish?
It is possible.
You could have appeared to him—by magic if necessary—and explained his identity and duties to him. Why did you not perform so obvious an errand of mercy?
I do not know.
Answer the question, please.
(At this point Judge Sweeny made an angry noise with a crack of his stout-glass on the counter and retired in a hurried petulant manner from the court.)
I suppose I fell asleep.
I see. You fell asleep.
Conclusion of the foregoing.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
THEY STOLE MY IDEA!
I had this idea yesterday
I swear.
UPDATE: Alright, I'll be honest. My idea was that Bush refused to pardon the turkey a'la his days as governor of Texas where he fried all those people and this is admittedly much better. But it's still upsetting.
I swear.
UPDATE: Alright, I'll be honest. My idea was that Bush refused to pardon the turkey a'la his days as governor of Texas where he fried all those people and this is admittedly much better. But it's still upsetting.
Terrible
From The Onion in History (at the bottom right):
Jacqueline Kennedy catches husband's brains with grace, aplomb
Ho ho man...
Jacqueline Kennedy catches husband's brains with grace, aplomb
Ho ho man...
Nira Nevins, 55, of New Jersey, saying in Superior Court that an alternate, childlike personality came over her as she robbed a bank in 2002
"I'm so ashamed of our actions."
(Brace yourself for fewer good updates over Thanksgiving)
(Brace yourself for fewer good updates over Thanksgiving)
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Well this looks like fun
Video game simulates Kennedy assassination
Three shots? Come on, that's nothing! That must be the lamest game ever. There at least better be some cheat codes so you can take out the motorcade with a rocket launcher or something.
Oh man I would get so many deductions.
Err, okay, we're treading into dangerous territory here. At the risk of sounding like an uptight conservative again, his daughter is still alive for Christ's sake!
Top Four "JFK Reloaded" Bonus Levels:
4. Play as JFK Jr's wife Caroline Basette and scream curses in sequence with the actual cockpit recorder.
3. As an overworked college student with a low-traffic blog, drive your newest (unoriginal) gimmick into the ground with three consecutive posts in two days. (Inside the mind of the average Shrimp Products reader: "It's funny because it's true." Inside the mind of the truly perceptive Shrimp Products reader: "And again!")
2. Play as a young Ted Kennedy and swim out of your car as young woman slowly drowns in the passenger seat.
1. Three words: Magic Bullet Pinball.
LOS ANGELES - A new video game to be released Monday allows players to simulate the assassination of President Kennedy.The release of "JFK Reloaded" is timed to coincide with the 41st anniversary of Kennedy's murder in Dallas and was designed to demonstrate a lone gunman was able to kill the president.
Traffic Games said the objective was for a player to fire three shots at Kennedy's motorcade from assassin Lee Harvey Oswald's digitally recreated sixth-floor perch in the Texas School Book Depository.
Three shots? Come on, that's nothing! That must be the lamest game ever. There at least better be some cheat codes so you can take out the motorcade with a rocket launcher or something.
Shooting the image of Kennedy in the right spots in the right sequence adds to the score, while "errors" like shooting first lady Jacqueline Kennedy lead to deductions.
Oh man I would get so many deductions.
Each shot can be replayed in slow motion, and the bullets can be tracked as they travel and pass through Kennedy's digitally recreated body. Players can choose to see blood by pressing a "blood effects" option.
Err, okay, we're treading into dangerous territory here. At the risk of sounding like an uptight conservative again, his daughter is still alive for Christ's sake!
Top Four "JFK Reloaded" Bonus Levels:
4. Play as JFK Jr's wife Caroline Basette and scream curses in sequence with the actual cockpit recorder.
3. As an overworked college student with a low-traffic blog, drive your newest (unoriginal) gimmick into the ground with three consecutive posts in two days. (Inside the mind of the average Shrimp Products reader: "It's funny because it's true." Inside the mind of the truly perceptive Shrimp Products reader: "And again!")
2. Play as a young Ted Kennedy and swim out of your car as young woman slowly drowns in the passenger seat.
1. Three words: Magic Bullet Pinball.
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