Brent stands at the candy machine counting his change.
BRENT
Ah ha!
He puts his change in the machine eagerly and pushes buttons. No candy falls.
BRENT
Oh fuck you.
He hits the machine a couple of times but nothing happens. Larry walks up to the machine.
BRENT
Larry, you want to get that Hershey’s bar over there? I got one but it’s stuck.
LARRY
What if mine doesn’t fall?
BRENT
Then you can have the one, but if both fall, then we both get one and everybody’s happy, right?
LARRY
But I like almonds.
BRENT
Well I’m sorry, but could you please just do me this personal favor and get the Hershey’s bar so we can both have something to eat?
LARRY
No. I really like almonds.
BRENT
How about this. Tomorrow, I come in here with a whole bag of almonds. If you want you can even keep the chocolate bar so you can have it together with the almonds.
LARRY
No. Let’s see. Hershey’s with almonds. D4.
Larry puts his money in the machine. He pushes one button and Brent lunges at the button for the chocolate bar. Larry pushes Brent out of the way. Brent jumps at the machine again and Larry grabs him, punching him hard in the stomach twice and throwing him to the ground next to the machine.
LARRY
D3.
Two chocolate bars fall out of the machine.
LARRY
Oh look! Two! This must be my lucky day!
Larry takes both chocolate bars and walks away as Brent lies on the ground moaning.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Monday, June 06, 2005
A long overdue excerpt from the screenplay to my upcoming Jared Fogle biopic "235"
EXT. NIGHT -- A DARK CITY STREET
Jared, still greatly overweight, walks home from Subway after one of his first dinners after he decided to lose weight. He takes a wrong turn and ends up in a dark alley. Three street toughs appear from behind a dumpster and two adjacent trash cans. Jared backs up slowly.
STREET TOUGH 1: Where you going, Fatty?
JARED: (calmly, though obviously nervous) I’m walking home. Excuse me.
STREET TOUGH 1: Hey, I’ve seen you around Shamu. We go to the same gym.
JARED: I thought I recognized you.
STREET TOUGH 1: You should see this Gargantua run. The whole gym shakes.
The street toughs laugh.
STREET TOUGH 2: Alright, enough of the small talk.
STREET TOUGH 3: Yeah, let’s get down to business.
STREET TOUGH 1: Calm down, guys. OK, Jolly Pink Giant. Hand over the money in your wallet.
Jared calmly pulls out his wallet, revealing that it is empty.
STREET TOUGH 1: No money? Spent it all on food Lardo?
JARED: No. I’m--losing weight.
The street toughs laugh.
STREET TOUGH 2: Yeah, I believe that, Tubsy.
STREET TOUGH 1: Well you know what happens when the suckers who walk down our alley don’t have the money to pay the price. They pay the price.
The street toughs look at each other, grinning at their private joke. Jared eyes them nervously.
JARED: What--what do you mean?
STREET TOUGH 3: We’re going to kick some fat ass.
Jared starts to back out of the alley, but three more street toughs corner him. The six street toughs converge on him and deliver a vicious six-minute beating, finally leaving him lying in the alley, panting heavily and bleeding profusely. Three Subway workers walk down the street and see Jared moaning in the alley.
DILIGENT SUBWAY EMPLOYEE 1: Oh my God! Jared, is that you?
Jared moans incoherently.
DILIGENT SUBWAY EMPLOYEE 2: Jared what have they done to you.
JARED: There was a fight. There were six of them. I didn’t stand a chance. I recognize the first guy. He goes to the gym I go to. He’s always laughing at me.
DILIGENT SUBWAY EMPLOYEE 1: Well we’ll get him for this. We’ll get revenge.
DILIGENT SUBWAY EMPLOYEE 3: Yeah. We’ve got your back, Jared.
JARED: No. There won’t be any more fights and there won’t be any more violence. The best revenge is living well. And I’m going to lose weight and I’m going to live well.
The Subway employees smile at each other, inspired by Jared’s speech.
JARED: And then I’m going to fuck his girlfriend.
*Note on this excerpt from “235”
Last night I went to bed at about 11:30 to get up at 7:15 this morning. Since I’m on summer time (and I never even went to bed that early during the school year), I was lying awake for a long time before I could fall asleep. At about 1:15, I leapt out of bed and wrote the following in my notebook:
Jared beat up
Subway guys “get revenge, beat him up, we’ve got your back”
Jared “best revenge living well. I’m going to lose weight and live well. And then I’m going to fuck his girlfriend.”
Jared, still greatly overweight, walks home from Subway after one of his first dinners after he decided to lose weight. He takes a wrong turn and ends up in a dark alley. Three street toughs appear from behind a dumpster and two adjacent trash cans. Jared backs up slowly.
STREET TOUGH 1: Where you going, Fatty?
JARED: (calmly, though obviously nervous) I’m walking home. Excuse me.
STREET TOUGH 1: Hey, I’ve seen you around Shamu. We go to the same gym.
JARED: I thought I recognized you.
STREET TOUGH 1: You should see this Gargantua run. The whole gym shakes.
The street toughs laugh.
STREET TOUGH 2: Alright, enough of the small talk.
STREET TOUGH 3: Yeah, let’s get down to business.
STREET TOUGH 1: Calm down, guys. OK, Jolly Pink Giant. Hand over the money in your wallet.
Jared calmly pulls out his wallet, revealing that it is empty.
STREET TOUGH 1: No money? Spent it all on food Lardo?
JARED: No. I’m--losing weight.
The street toughs laugh.
STREET TOUGH 2: Yeah, I believe that, Tubsy.
STREET TOUGH 1: Well you know what happens when the suckers who walk down our alley don’t have the money to pay the price. They pay the price.
The street toughs look at each other, grinning at their private joke. Jared eyes them nervously.
JARED: What--what do you mean?
STREET TOUGH 3: We’re going to kick some fat ass.
Jared starts to back out of the alley, but three more street toughs corner him. The six street toughs converge on him and deliver a vicious six-minute beating, finally leaving him lying in the alley, panting heavily and bleeding profusely. Three Subway workers walk down the street and see Jared moaning in the alley.
DILIGENT SUBWAY EMPLOYEE 1: Oh my God! Jared, is that you?
Jared moans incoherently.
DILIGENT SUBWAY EMPLOYEE 2: Jared what have they done to you.
JARED: There was a fight. There were six of them. I didn’t stand a chance. I recognize the first guy. He goes to the gym I go to. He’s always laughing at me.
DILIGENT SUBWAY EMPLOYEE 1: Well we’ll get him for this. We’ll get revenge.
DILIGENT SUBWAY EMPLOYEE 3: Yeah. We’ve got your back, Jared.
JARED: No. There won’t be any more fights and there won’t be any more violence. The best revenge is living well. And I’m going to lose weight and I’m going to live well.
The Subway employees smile at each other, inspired by Jared’s speech.
JARED: And then I’m going to fuck his girlfriend.
*Note on this excerpt from “235”
Last night I went to bed at about 11:30 to get up at 7:15 this morning. Since I’m on summer time (and I never even went to bed that early during the school year), I was lying awake for a long time before I could fall asleep. At about 1:15, I leapt out of bed and wrote the following in my notebook:
Jared beat up
Subway guys “get revenge, beat him up, we’ve got your back”
Jared “best revenge living well. I’m going to lose weight and live well. And then I’m going to fuck his girlfriend.”
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)