Comedy Classics: Despite lack of UN resolution, Mario vows to continue fighting the War on Koopas

From the last issue of last year's Pedestrian. No insightful commentary today. Just pure Mario-related goodness.

Despite his inability to push a resolution authorizing full-scale U.N. military action through the Security Council, Mario assured the world that he will “not stop fighting the war on Koopas until I am certain the world is safe from the scourge of King Bowser.”

Mario, leader of the people of Super Mario World (formerly known as the Mushroom Kingdom), has spent the past week in New York trying to convince members of the U.N. Security Council to pass the resolution originally presented by Super Mario World U.N. Ambassador Toad. He has hosted lunches with diplomats from key Security Council members whose vetoes would have killed the resolution, especially key opponents France, Russia, and China. Despite the efforts of several members of the Super Mario World government, Mario decided to withdraw the resolution and decided to continue the war on Koopas unilaterally.

“Unfortunately, there were several members of the Security Council who were unable to see the imminent threat that King Bowser and the Koopas present to the world. However, the people of Super Mario World stand united to ensure that this threat be eliminated.”

Mario has been fighting an on-again off-again battle with the Koopas since 1985 after King Bowser kidnapped his wife Princess “Peach” Toadstool. He has never gone into action without full approval from the United Nations before. He initially had no trouble gaining approval when the Princess was captured and held by Bowser. He first ran into difficulties with the Security Council in 1991. Unlike his previous quests when there was a clear need for immediate military action, Mario went to the Security Council saying that the U.N. needed to step in to free the denizens of Dino World, particularly the Yoshis, who Mario claimed had specifically asked for his
help. Mario and Luigi both made speeches to the General Assembly. They were ultimately given the green light, but not before being called “warmongers,” “imperialists,” and “greaseballs.”

This time, France, China, and Russia were unwilling to authorize military operation, saying that Bowser did not pose an “imminent threat.” Mario, Ambassador Toad, and Secretary of State Luigi all made pleas to the Security Council that they needed to “oust tyrants like Bowser before he has a chance to pose a threat to the world again.” Mario said he was distressed by “Bowser’s continual refusal to allow weapons inspectors to inspect his castles, where, according to intelligence reports, he is churning out Goombas, Shy-Guys, Bob-ombs, and Piranha Plants at alarming rates.”

Perhaps the most poignant moment in the campaign waged by Super Mario World came when Princess Peach addressed the General Assembly to relate to them her experiences in Bowser’s torture chambers. “I was chained to the wall for hours on end with only enough food and water to survive. Bowser would regularly come in to the chamber and have his way with me.” The Princess had to be helped out of the Assembly room sobbing uncontrollably. Despite this passionate plea, political pundits still doubted that the resolution had the support needed from the countries that possessed veto power in the Security Council.

Mario was joined by President George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair at a conference aimed to drum up support for the war. Although Bush and Blair both said their countries would be unable to send troops to take out Bowser because of the situation in Iraq, they did pledge supplies to aid in the effort, including thousands of mushrooms, hundreds of fireball flowers, and coins. Mario will be joined by a few Spanish, Polish, and Italian troops, although he says that he will most likely take on Bowser with the help of only a few trusted friends, presumably Luigi, Yoshi, and Toad.

When asked if he felt confident that he could defeat Bowser again, Mario grinned, shrugged his shoulders, and said “It’s-a-me! Mario!”