Comedy Classics: Teacher Dating Game

Here's the script for the Teacher Dating Game skit I co-wrote featuring the most insightful commentary yet.

ALEX: Good evening, everyone, my name is Alex Trebeck and as if my life couldn’t get any worse, I will be your host for Teacher Dating Game. Our bachelors tonight are staff from Lewis Mills High School. Let’s introduce them. First we have Mr. Symonds (Symonds walks on stage and trips while approaching his stool [Apparently Jon I think had seen Mr. Symonds trip in the hallway with his briefcase and thought it was hilarious, so we put it in. I can’t remember without seeing the tape, but Steve either refused to fall (“Waah, it hurts! Boo hoo!”) or just fell woosily. What a wimp. Greg threw me across stage in the tenth grade play, and we had to practice that literally dozens of times.]) Mr. Bentley (Bentley walks to his stool) And Mr. Burnett….who has been here since 7 this morning…(Burnett is already at his podium) OK, let’s bring out our lucky bachelorette, Jenny from Billings, Montana.
JENNY: (Enters and sits on a stool) Hi Alex, its great to be here.
[Joe Ochs played Jenny. I fought soooo hard to get a girl to play that part. It was me against everyone. “The teachers are the joke.” “It’s dumb.” “I hate cross-dress humor, there’s nothing funny about it.” We compromised: they got their male Jenny and no pies would be thrown in the course of the sketch. Honestly. Meh, I didn’t really like this skit anyway.]
ALEX: Alright Bachelors, now Jenny here is going to ask a number of questions to each of you and they will answer. At the end of the show, Jenny will choose one of you based on your responses, so make them good. All right, go ahead Jenny.
JENNY: Uh, OK. Bachelor number 1, what would be your most romantic gesture.
SYMONDS: (Shouting louder than usual) I would whisper sweet nothings in your ear until they bleed with romance.
[Steve did not shout this line, so that line got no laughs.]
JENNY: Oh my! Well thank you Bachelor number 1.
ALEX: You don’t need to shout, bachelor number one, we are right over here.
JENNY: Ok, Bachelor number 2, what is your favorite color?
BENTLEY: Well, it used to be red, but the last time I wore red, I was walking down the street, and I saw this guy I used to know from the War. So, I was talking to him about Hagen Das ice cream and snorkeling, and then he told me his wife had choked on her tongue during her sleep and died. HAHAHa.
ALEX: That’s disturbing.
BENTLEY: Gout
ALEX: What?
BENTLEY: I’ve got gout.
JENNY: (Uncomfortable). Ok, Bachelor #3, how would you describe yourself?
BURNETT: I’m the tall………type.
JENNY: Is there anything else?
BURNETT: (cuts her off) JENNY!
JENNY: What?
BURNETT: (Silence)
ALEX: get used to this kind of thing
BURNETT: TREBECK!
ALEX: Ignore him.
JENNY: Ok, Bachelor number 1, I like a man with some intelligence, so answer this question for me: What were the real causes for the civil war?
SYMONDS: Well, I can give you that answer right now, I know that‘s written down somewhere in here….let’s see, I know it’s in here somewhere….whoops!
(Symonds’ briefcase explodes, sending papers flying all over the stage)
ALEX: Get me out of here. All right, Jenny. Please continue.
JENNY: Bachelor number two, how do you stay in shape?
BENTLEY: Well one time, I was at the gym with Mr. Troughton. We were working out and we see this kid from school there and I said, “Hey, we shouldn’t allow kids in here, this is our private place!” So anyway, twenty minutes go by, I had been swimming and I found a dime on the bottom of the pool, and I saw that kid, so I snuck up behind him and punched him in the back of the neck! Heh heh heh!
ALEX: You should be in jail.
BENTLEY: Will you publish my book Alex.
ALEX: That’s enough
JENNY: OK, uh, Bachelor number 3, if we went on a trip together, where would we go?
BURNETT: (Taking out an atlas) Well, I would like to mix with the bourgeoisie in Spain. There we can spend time eating chinchillas, I mean churros, [Why was that line funny? Another battle I lost.] and after we can dance to a classic Spanish guitarist. Jenny, what is the primary language in Spain?
JENNY: Uh…Spanish?
BURNETT: Is it? IS IT?
JENNY: Uhm, yes?
BURNETT: Is…it?…………..JENNY! I will break your neck (Extremely long pause) if you don’t answer my question
JENNY: (Shrieks) Uh…I don’t know…German?
BURNETT: No, you were right, it was Spanish.
ALEX: Let’s just move…
BURNETT: TREBECK! You guys, you’ve got to pay attention! [If there’s one thing I’m proud of in my four years at Mills, it’s creating a catch phrase.]
ALEX: I hate my life. Jenny, please move on so he stops talking.
JENNY: Oh…OK. Bachelor number one, I think we have a video question for you.
ALEX: The video will be projected onto that back wall. (They all look back at the wall. Nothing happens). Well, we seem to be having some technical difficulties with the VCR…
SYMONDS: I got it. (walks over to the VCR) I do this kind of thing all the time in my classes…..Yea, I got it….darn thing….c’mon, work….why is it these things never work….err….darnit…(all the while he is shaking the VCR, pounding on the buttons, hitting it)…(Finally, Symonds picks up the VCR to shake it and examine it and finally slams it on the ground, smashing it to pieces).
ALEX: That was my VCR. It’s all I had left.
JENNY: Bachelor number two, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
BENTLEY: One time this Irishman tried to mug me…
ALEX: Bachelor number two, if this story involves a lynching, please don’t finish it. (Silence) That’s nice to know. Moving on…. [Best. Line. Of the skit. And it didn’t get laughs. We replaced the silence with a line about the sabbatical because some (not me) were afraid it would be controversial (I wanted to go for it) but it turns out they were right to put it in, if for the wrong reason. The lynching line got no laugh somehow but they roared at the sabbatical line.]
JENNY: Ok, Bachelor Number 3, describe our perfect dream date.
BURNETT: Well, I imagine I’d take you out for a wonderful night on the town. I’d pick you up promptly at 4:30 in the afternoon for our trip to the Bristol Clock Museum in my 1987 Toyota Tercel….
BENTLEY: Hah! You should see this guy in his car! Hahaha!
BURNETT: MR. BENTLEY!…….Do you find something comical about my appearance in my automobile? It was the largest one that I could afford…
ALEX: Ok, that’s enough . No one wants to hear about your tiny car.
JENNY: Bachelor number one, what’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for a woman?
SYMONDS: You mean with my wife? I am married.
BENTLEY: Me too.
BURNETT: Me too.
ALEX: And were done. Ok, I guess our producers didn’t look to closely into this one. It seems as this was just a waste of time. Good thing it was so much fun. Be sure to tune in next week when I hope I won‘t be your host next time on Teacher Dating Game. (Meanwhile, Mr. Burnett is bending steel with his bare hands, [Another one of my brilliant ideas for a visual gag that didn’t happen, I think we had some contraption that made it look like Dan was bending steel but he forgot to bring it onstage] Symonds drops more papers into a garbage and doesn’t notice, and Mr. Bentley spits at someone offstage and points and laughs)