235

3 got me thinking. What other celebrities really deserve a biopic?

I don't think I even need to say it. You already know, don't you?

Think about it. It's got drama (teased fat man overcomes his oppressors with his great new look and his small new pants). It's got comedy (fat people in just about any situation are funny; picture Jared struggling with a pickle jar for ten real-time minutes only to have some little kid open it for him or falling down the stairs and landing on a small dog). It'll be the feel-good story of the year. And no characters driving into walls even though they've made a career of turning left.

I'm going to write this screenplay and I'm confident it will be the vehicle to propel me into the big-time. Keep reading future installments of Shrimp Products to get excerpts as I write them.

Top Four Relevations To Be Revealed By The Jared Fogle Biopic "235"

4. For years, lived off royalty checks earned by being in all that stock footage on the news of fat people walking down the street from the neck down.
3. He was slated to be a McDonald's spokesman but he couldn't fit into the purple suit.
2. Jared realized he had a problem after his loving mother called him a "fat fucking loser. Look at you, you tub. Don't you have any self-respect? I mean, for the love of Christ! You weigh as much as a dump truck! And not just any dump truck, a dump truck filled with hamburgers, you piece of crap. No, piece of crap isn't a good description. You're not a piece of anything. You're the whole fucking thing, and then some. You weigh more than my Cadillac! Pig. Lose some weight."
1. He gets more women than the rest of us combined.

I SHOULD EXPLAIN MYSELF UPDATE: The title refers to the number of pounds Jared lost eating Subway.