The Fork tells me about the new Bowflex commercial. Apparently, there's some preening jackass with his shirt off bragging about all the weight he lost with Bowflex. So then, he stares straight into the camera and says something like this:
"You see people on TV talking about how much weight they lost eating sandwiches, but you don't see them taking off their shirt and flexing, do you?"
Fuck you, man.
The Fork thinks this sets the stage for a hardcore ladder match, though he says I might prefer a dance-off. I resent the implications of that remark. But anyway, here's a special new excerpt from my script for the upcoming Jared Fogle biopic "235."
[Jared walks down the street at night with a beautiful woman on his arm.]
JARED: Well the thing about Bowflex is it's a sham. They hire actors for the commercial. The machines nothing but a couple strings attached to some boxes. And they--
[Three huge men step out from behind dumpsters.]
MAN 1: Well well well. If it isn't little Jared Fogle.
MAN 2: So. We hear you lost a lot of weight eating sandwiches.
MAN 3: But I don't see you doing this.
[The men flex, ripping their tight shirts. Suddenly, they attack Jared. Jared ducks one of their punches and sends him flying into the dumpster with a flurry of furious kicks. The second man rushes him and he kicks him in the face and chops him in the back of the neck. The third man pulls out a knife. Jared disarms him and kicks him in the face several times, knocking him to the ground. The third man looks up dazed with blood from his mouth.]
JARED: Eat fresh, bitch.
Keep reading Shrimp Products for more from "235," hopefully with less homoeroticism next time.
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I was justm watching one of those obesity shows on the heatlh channel and they were documenting this guy that lost 130 pounds but had a lot of excess skin. The name of the show was something like Beyond Obesity - The Final Cut. The interesting thing about it was the guy they getting the skin removed was, I think, the same guy from that Bowflex commercial, talking about guys eating subs to lose weight and not seeing them with their shirt off. Here's the kicker, the guy (his name is Brad Ryan) had the gastrobypass surgery to loss the weight. You can see the scars on his torso. I wondered why the bowflex commercial only showed from his pecs up. What a scam.
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