Reader Requests

[While Chris is taking some time off, Shrimp Products will be blogged by Future Chris Sartinsky.]

As all of you know, every once and a while I like to answer some of your questions. After all, it is Your Generous Donations that provide my salary.

Q: What's it like making millions upon millions of people laugh every day?
-Boxley Fryer, Tallahassee, FL

A: It's a feeling unlike any other. I feel I'm making a difference in the world. When the hits started pouring in and I started charging for the site back in 2008, I felt a change in me. No longer was I just some anonymous student with a hobby. Now, I was a hero to humor fans across the globe. And no matter how many luxurious mansions Your Generous Donations pay for, that feeling will always be the greatest reward.

Q: Whatever happened to your fellow Burlington bloggers Rioux, Dan, The Fork, and Scottywood?
-Xavier Duquense, Tempe, AZ

A: Tragic stories, those. Rioux followed in his father's footsteps and became a successful stock broker, but then followed in his biological father's footsteps and became a malodorous vagrant with a pickup truck filled with garbage. After college, Dan became a harmonica player in a well-respected band until he was hit by a comet after a concert one day. The Fork, turning down an opportunity to be one of the leaders in the field of whatever kind of physics he's involved in, pursued his dreams and ended up in some crappy Fourplay-esque band until he was stabbed by a sleep-walking concert-goer. Then, there's Scottywood, who was let on Tough Enough, but, unbeknownst to him, only as the comic relief. He died in his home from strain trying to lift a chair.

Q: Looking back, what would you say was the highlight of your career?
-Bob Nastonovich, Trenton, NJ

A: It's hard to say. The Academy Award was nice, as was the Pulitzer, the several Nobel prizes, and the Presidency. I guess if I had to choose just one thing, it would be that night I did stand up on Dec. 12, 2004. It all started to come together from there. Historic night, you should have been there.

Q: What's prison like?
-Jules Brentin Wolf, Tehran, Iran

A: Well, I'm getting used to it. Honestly, when I first got here, I was upset. As I'm sure all of you know (though, despite my massive worldwide celebrity, I still get hundreds of thousands of new visitors a day) I was imprisoned for breaking terms of a joint restraining order placed against me by Jared Fogle, the estate of Nick Nolte, and Namco, creators of Pac-Man. But with all the encouragment that pours in every day (I must be the only person on the Internet that doesn't get hate mail!), I am more and more convinced all the time that obsessing over two minor celebrities and a video game character was not just fun and games, it was my duty to my readers and to Americans everywhere. And when I get out in five years, you can be sure that I'll be right back on the Nolte, Fogle, and Pac-Man horses.

Keep those emails coming!