Scans of the Day: Eat Me, Rioux

Jerk.

Meow.

Heh.

An Ethical Dilemma

Jimmy Fallon is in Boston shooting a movie with Drew Barrymore. I don't know the plot but I'm sure it's terrible. This is Jimmy Fallon we're talking about here.

So anyway, the movie is shooting certain scenes in Fenway Park. The movie is looking for extras, so if you sit there all day, you make a nice sum of money. It's tempting, to be sure. But it is also a tough moral question.

Do I sit at home, knowing what's going on? That's good money. But on the other hand, would I be selling out by being in this awful, awful movie? I mean, what if I get in the frame somehow? How would I be able to live with myself? Can you imagine having to go through life having been seen in a Jimmy Fallon movie?

But then, of course, if I do get close enough to Jimmy Fallon, I can punch him in the face. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how good that would feel.

So what do you think?

A Pitch

A couple is having problems with their marriage. The wife is detached, the husband wants to improve the situation but is too timid to do anything about it, not that he knows where to start anyway. One day while he's at work, someone puts a flyer for a "Revitalize Your Marriage!" cruise on his car. He sees it as a sign and insists they go on the cruise.

The wife is cynical, but they have an unexpected connection on the first night of activities. The husband thinks that their problem has been resolved. That night, he steps out of the room to buy some cigarettes for his wife, but he forgets his wallet. Stepping back into his room, he finds his wife sleeping with a large Italian mate on the ship. He is devastated and hides in a lifeboat sobbing.

His wife runs out to look for him, with the Italian man just behind. They give up and climb into a lifeboat of their own. The husband is disgusted to hear them having sex in the adjacent lifeboat and is about to climb out when there is an explosion on the ship. He is knocked unconscious by a falling beam and slumps back down in the lifeboat. The rest of the passengers, who were down in the basement of the ship for another activity, rush upstairs but find the path to the lifeboats hopelessly blocked, sentencing thousands of them to death.

The husband wakes up the next morning on a strange deserted island. He finds another person there, who tells him there were only four survivors, but miraculously, the kitchen of the ship and all the food that was to be served to thousands of people on the two week cruise has washed ashore. The husband is stunned and is pointed in the direction of the other survivors. He finds them sitting around the campfire: his wife and the Italian.

So now the four of them are on this island: the husband, his wife, the man he caught his wife sleeping with the night before, and an awkward man afraid of confrontation. The husband is forced to deal with his anger and resentment at his wife's betrayal, the wife with her restlessness and resentment at her unfulfilling life. I don't know how it should end.

A possible joke is that the cruise is hosted by a famous television personality, like Oprah. She survives as well, but faced with the desperation of the situation, throws herself off a cliff the first day. Her head hits a pointy rock and she is decapitated.

The prettiest sounds you'll ever hear

When I told you to listen to Gold Soundz, I wasn't kidding.

Oooo, right, I have to do something funny today.

How about some highlights from the Best of Balderdash?

Donna Griffith
Successfully transplanted hair from her scalp to her chin to support her career as a bearded lady.
Rioux

“3 Bites of the Apple”
A documentary about the life of the apple tycoon Howard Finkmeyer who became morbidly obese from excessive apple consumption.
The Fork

Poggies
The name of an Alaskan nudist group that froze to death in the 1980s.
Greg

“The Bedsitting Room”
After a nuclear explosion, people turn into strange objects. A father becomes a parrot and a mother ends up as a piece of furniture.
Real

Dr. Benjamin Green
A surgeon who died attempting an organ transplant on himself.
Greg

There are currently 42 paper cups filled with water sitting in the hall outside my door

Yup.

So now I have to figure out who did this. According to what I've heard, it was Charlie. But does Charlie have a motive? Yesterday, I alerted him of a plot to put a lobster in his bed, so I don't think he'd have the motive, whereas those planning to put the lobster in his bed are probably angry at me. So I have some investigating to do.

Meanwhile, the cups still sit there.

This is the great thing about having a kung fu master for a roomate. Someone's going to get the truth beat out of them tonight.

Two of the Worst Things Ever

Entry number one: Worst Music Video Ever.

Play "Just Like You."

I can only assume the director of this video won a contest for middle schoolers, because no one above 8th grade could ever be responsible for something this immature. The premise is that "The Man" (portrayed by guys in black suits with nightsticks and sunglasses) is holding down these kids by making them be "Just Like" someone. They wear monocolored jumpsuits and white indistinguishable masks. Meanwhile, Three Days Grace rocks out behind a screen. However, the kids only see jumpsuit-and-mask-wearing tools playing their instruments peacefully. Luckily, Three Days Grace rocks so hard that even The Man is unable to keep them down. They rock right through the screen and the kids start a riot, which the beefy guards are unable to control.

You need to watch it.

(When you're done, watch "Gold Soundz" to get that one out of your head.)

Entry number two: Worst Logo for a Suicide Prevention Network.

Suicide Prevention Action Network of USA.

Otherwise known as SPANUSA.

It almost sounds fake. But the site looks real. That is, everything besides the logo.

I mean come on. They might as well use a revolver or a car running in the garage.

SHOOT -- Suicide Hotline Offering ... Other ... Tomorrows.
MONOXIDE -- Merrier Options for Nobodies Ostracized ... uh ... Xylophones ... Into Dying ... Easily

Story in the Round

This essay contest got me thinking about the story in the round we did for creative writing class. Ms. Fournier gave me the story last, so I had to wrap everything up. She told the class to "be serious" and "don't ruin the flow of the story." This was, as I found later, impossible.

The story she gave me was ridiculous. It was the story of Josh. He woke up upset because his divorced parents were bickering again about something and his dad had a new girlfriend he didn't like or something. He went to school and had a fight with his own girlfriend Beth about where they would be going to college. She got fed up and broke up with him. So then he learns that the coach of the baseball team he's on has been fired and the principal chooses him to act as the manager. Josh is very happy because he doesn't get to play a lot and I think he was even considering skipping the game he was in such a bad mood about the whole thing. So that afternoon, he puts himself in the game and hits a home run or something like that. So now his girlfriend, who is watching the game, is impressed with him and starts liking him again, but there is also a supermodel or two at the game (what, supermodels don't come to your high school baseball games?) along with a Hooters girl thrown in for good measure and Josh is starting to think he's be better off with one of them. The story left off with the Hooters girl giving Josh a congratulatory hug and I think something suggesting that Josh was just waking up from a dream or something. So that's the story in the condition I received it.

Now anyone who knows me knows that I have integrity. As much as I wanted to bring this story to a logical conclusion and not have it degenerate into some wacky ending, I have my limits. This story deserved to be ruined. So that's what I did.

Here's the ending of the story, as written by me. Look for a blatant ripoff of "Adaptation."

………A pair of black military helicopters swarmed over the field. Four paratroopers dropped out of each helicopter. The Hooters girl kicked Josh square in the groin, grabbed his right arm, and pinned it behind him, wrestling Josh to the ground. The paratroopers ran over to Josh, with large machine guns pointed at his head. “FREEZE!” they shouted as fans rushed out of the stands panicked.

Josh squinted up at the paratroopers. “Wha…what do you want with me?” One of the armed men slapped handcuffs on Josh as he lie on the ground. “You Josh Groban?” “Wha…yeah…yeah, that’s me,” Josh struggled. “You’re under arrest,” said a familiar voice.

Josh strained to turn his head to the left to see who the voice belonged to. It was Mr. Wells. Coach Blair sauntered up next to Mr. Wells, chuckling and smoking on a cigarette. “Good work, Agent Saunders. We have it under control here,” Coach Blair said. One of the paratroopers, apparently Agent Saunders, left to the other end of the field, leaving Josh alone with Coach Blair and Mr. Wells.

“What is this? Is this a dream?” Josh asked Mr. Wells. “Ah, now, Mr. Groban. This isn’t a dream. I know you may think it is a dream. In fact, the only logical explanation for your unbelievable good luck followed by the unfortunate circumstances you find yourself in now would be that you were really dreaming! Unfortunately, that’s not how our story has worked out, Mr. Groban.”

“You mean this was all a set up?” asked Josh, obviously extremely confused. Coach Blair couldn’t help laughing. “Oh come now, Mr. Groban! Do you really think a high school student would be capable of coaching a varsity baseball team, inserting himself into the game, and winning over a supermodel in the process? Let’s be sensible, Mr. Groban,” Blair laughed. “Wait, I’m not sensible? You’re the one not being sensible! Setting up a high schooler at a baseball game with paratroopers jumping out of helicopter! This doesn’t make any sense! And what are you arresting me for, anyway?” “You know what you did,” spit Wells, his voice full of contempt. “We have connections between you and some very high-level terrorists.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” insisted Josh. “Who do I know that’s a terrorist?”

Suddenly, Josh heard several loud popping noises coming from the bleachers. He lifted his head off the ground to see what was going on. He saw his dad and her girlfriend returning fire to several paratroopers. The paratroopers shot the small pistol right out of his dad’s girlfriend’s hand, and she put her hands over her head, accepting surrender. Josh’s father was not so lucky. He was shot twice in the leg and once right in the stomach. Josh ran over to his father. The agents pursued him at first, but kept their distance as they saw Josh try and comfort his dying father.

“Dad! Dad!” Josh choked back tears as he knelt over his father. “Son…son… I’m not going to make it…” Josh’s father struggled to breathe. “Dad, please!” A tear rolled down his father’s cheek. Josh realized that he had to comfort his father in his last moments on earth. He started to whisper his father’s favorite song. “Imagine me and you, and you and me. No matter how we toss the dice, you know we’ll be so happy together.” A smile crossed Josh’s father’s cold, blue lips. He heaved his chest and quietly died.

Josh was detained for three months and then released due to a lack of evidence. Beth found a husband at Stanford and Coach Blair and Mr. Wells went undercover somewhere else, vowing to fight crime to the best of their ability.

Essay Contest Entry

Dan over at Ridgerock is having a super fun essay contest which I figured I'd enter. So here is my submission.

It has come to my attention that the department of Information Technology (IT) at Salisbury University (SU) is seeking individuals to assume the duties of IT interns with primary responsibility in the area of personal computer support. The duties of the position include the things Dan can do, like: configuring new personal computers; installing/re-installing both standalone and network software; and troubleshooting and resolving hardware and software problems. Dan, (unlike Scott, who cannot lift a chair) has the ability to lift 50 pounds. Interns are required to work approximately ten hours a week during semesters with the potential of working twenty-four to thirty-two hours a week during the winter and summer breaks? Fine. Dan can do that.

Dan, like the other successful candidates will demonstrate excellent communication skills, both written and oral; have the capability to diagnose and troubleshoot software and hardware related issues; be able to work independently and in small groups; understand PC systems and various operating systems; and show knowledge of the Microsoft Office suite, Internet Explorer, and GroupWise e-mail system. Experience with the Novell Network operating system software is another thing Dan has, and I am aware this is a "plus" for you.

If the position requires a full time SU student who has a minimum of two years left at this institution (I was under the impression that this is true), then Dan would be perfect. Dan has a minimum of a 3.00 GPA. He must and WILL provide three references and resume at the time of application.

His current hourly rate is $8.50. The successful candidates will start immediately upon award of the position; selection of the successful candidates will be based on the Dan's friggin awesome resume and initial job interview. Now excuse me, I need to send my reference to the attention of: Bill Pennewell, Associate Director, Information Technology, FH-298.

Felix:

"Yo, don't knock stickers, yo."

Amen.

Who put a suit on that sack of meat?

This man was the former Vice President.

This man won the popular vote in the 2000 Presidential election.

This is a sack of meat wearing a suit.

This is a sack of melting meat wearing a suit.

William Carlos Williams Poem of the Day

For those of you who don't know, William Carlos Williams is the world's worst poet of all time. He has won Pulitzer Prizes I think...I don't know, he won something he didn't deserve. Look it up if you want to know. So anyway, here's some of Williams' trademark beautiful imagery in his poem "Danse Russe"

If when my wife is sleeping
and the baby and Kathleen
are sleeping
and the sun is a flame-white disc
in silken mists
above shining tree,--
if I in my north room
dance naked, grotesquely
before my mirror
waving my shirt round my head
and singing softly to myself:
"I am lonely, lonely.
I was born to be lonely,
I am best so!"
If I admire my arms, my face,
my shoulders, flanks, buttocks
against the yellow drawn shades,--

Who shall say I am not
the happy genius of my household?

(Raises hand)

Now, to be fair, in my huge Norton Anthology of Poetry, there is a little superscript one after "genius" that defines it in context as "The pervading and guardian spirit of a place." I imagine whoever was compiling this Anthology read "genius" and said "Whoa. There must be some other explanation. This guy is not a genius." My guess is they just made up that whole "guardian" thing to spare ol' WCW some dignity. But irregardless, for WCW to refer to himself as a genius in any context is wrong. Just wrong.

But as for the rest of the poem, it clearly demonstrates why WCW is a master of imagery. Can't you just picture this guy dancing around naked admiring himself in the mirror? I bet you can't get it out of your head, huh? Such is the genius of William Carlos Williams.

Blog Blog Funtime!!!

The Fork is no longer the only one who has started blogs that may or may not be maintained in the future so he can post here. Two new brave souls have enlisted in the Burlington Blog Revolution.

First, on the Comments to my Comics post, Rioux has the following to say.

If it wasn't for the gay NGW posts that are too long to read, this site would be half decent.

Well I'm sorry, Mr. Rioux. But this site does not just exist to entertain you. Its purpose it twofold: to entertain you and to provide wrestling fans with the latest NGW news and RPs. So kindly take your constructive criticism and sit on it, as Ralph Malph would say.

(In other news, a Google images search of Ralph Malph brings up this little gem on the first page.)

Anyhow, Curly Enterprises is his blog which he says will "provide some competition" for yours truly and have some "crazy unbelievable and fun and exciting and great content." But don't go there too often. If he wants war, he's got it.

Meanwhile, Dan has also started a blog of his own. He smartly decided to play it nice, so I will be linking to him more often than Curly "I created this site to harass Shrimp Products" Sue.

I'm just making a quick post to get this site off the ground. I just want to make it clear that I'm not doing this to emulate Shrimp Products so much as I just want to be able to post there. All things aside, I will still be posting stuff up here at least once a week; hopefully something good comes out of all this!

He also smartly says "every week" instead of "every day" like me, who probably should have thought this through before I went and made a crazy promise like that. Anyway, he only has an intro up so far too, but check out that wicked dot motif (Update: and a Simpsons quote on the side; I need to figure out how to do that!) at Ridgerock.

Comics

These are a few comics from high school.

Apples

Basketball

This last one isn't mine. I can't remember if Jon or Steve drew it.

Sign

The Fork in Cyberspace?

Has the Fork entered the realm of blogs?

It would appear so

Perhaps he only did it so he could post comments, but I'll be checking it from time to time to see what the forking deal is.

Regarding comments, I have this site set to allow "anyone" to post comments, but a couple people have told me that they needed an account, so it's not my fault.

In other news, defying all reason, NGW continues to exist.

Garden State = bad

I saw Garden State last night and even though it looks like exactly the kind of movie I like, I didn't like it at all.

If anyone wants me to elaborate then fine.