Suicidal Noodle

My cousin of "Peanut Sinatra" and "Please don't kill me I'll give you all my money" fame has made a music video with some other kid. My cousin's the one with the afro.

While you're there, check out the other Shrimp Products videos. In case you're wondering, no, seeing Scottywood rap does not get old. Ever. No matter how many times you've seen it. I've watched it twice today already.

In other video news, my four minute stand up thing weighs in at a massive 80+ megs, so there's no way I can host it. If you want it, IM me and I'll give it to you, or email me, or if there actually is a reader out there who doesn't know who I am personally, then we'll figure something out.

Stand up

It went alright. Not bad. It didn't go badly, and I guess that's all I really needed. The thing was an open mic so it wasn't a comedy audience exclusively. The reviews were better than the laughs which I'd like to blame on the atmosphere, so I'll ignore the inconvenient fact that all the reviews came from people I know. Really though, it wasn't that bad. A friend taped it, so you can judge for yourself. If it's too big to post online, IM me and I'll send it over to you (I haven't gotten it yet though). Thanks to the people who came out and the people who asked but said they "couldn't" get on a plane and show up for this momentous event. Airplanes are pretty common these days, you know. Look into them, why don't you?

I definitely wasn't the funniest act of the night though. Can you say "poetry?"

It's really hard to describe this in writing. I'm going to post a line or two that almost sent me over the edge cracking up while this poor schmo was onstage, but you had to have been there. It's my guess where the lines come in.

Pain.
Like the window pane
On which we spit our
Vegetable burritos.
It's wrong the thing
that separates man from
pain is a small, thin
sheet of glass.

This went on for some time. Then, right after him...

War.
Peace.
What the fuck?

And so on. The second guy did one poem and one "skit." The skit was him rambling about some teacher thinking he's drawn a great cow in an example of a problem on the board, so he goes crazy and starts drawing lots of cows. And meanwhile, the students thought about their boxers.

I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

Dear US cidiz of Connect: the best of Scottywood's mangling of the English language

These are from a skit Scottywood wrote in fifth grade for an explorer project. Since I have years of experience dealing with Scottywood, I think I can figure him out, and so I will post my translations of the pictures I am linking to.

(Joilet straddles copiously them)

NARRATOR: We now lion YAR! Louise Joilet with, even farther, Jacques Marquette going down. MISSISSIPPI RIVER
MARQUETTE: [Crossed out: In worry's vice, thought the story] Joilet, are we out of Coors?

Pepe: talks, Norm. Errrrr...

MARQUETTE: I'm a goner. DIE!
PEPE: Joilet, were you nuts OH NO!!!

HEY BOSTONIANS!

Come see me do stand up tomorrow night at 9:00 at BU Central in the GSU (student union).

Directions to the GSU here.

BU Central is in the basement. So go there, er, and find it. Ask somebody in the convenience store if you have to.

Here Chris opine on:

• Hitler moustaches!
• Death!
• Nacho Sombreros!
• Hell!
• His deep, crushing insecurities!

(Material subject to change at the discretion of the performer and/or if the performer has a panic attack onstage and forgets something/everything)

And best of all...

It's free!

And there's free food! (err, if I remember the sign correctly)

Hey, you know what? If there isn't free food

I'll buy you a candy bar or a soda or something!

And even if you hate me, it's open mic night so there are sure to be some funny comedians and possibly even some unintentionally funny acoustic guitar players or poets. It'll be a blast!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go freak out.

Style

I saw a guy with a Hitler moustache yesterday. Boy, what's it gonna take for those things to go out of style? I kinda thought that being forever associated with a megalomaniac who marched his troops across Europe while killing six million Jews in the process would have been enough to take the Hitler moustache off the shortlist of facial hair options.

(P.S. I apologize for the decline of quality of this site recently. Tons of reading+GTA San Andreas+Halo 2=lamer web sites. Hopefully this won't be all for today; I may have a super special and honestly exciting update tonight. And if I don't I'll at least explain the secrecy and why I was excited. Shhhh!)

Secrets of Scientology: REVEALED!

Just about everyone has heard of scientology, but not too many people actually know what it is. Last spring, I was pointed to this site about scientology where I learned what this "religion" scientology was actually about.

Once upon a time (75 million years ago to be more precise) there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu. Xenu was in charge of all the planets in this part of the galaxy including our own planet Earth, except in those days it was called Teegeeack.

Now Xenu had a problem. All of the 76 planets he controlled were overpopulated. Each planet had on average 178 billion people. He wanted to get rid of all the overpopulation so he had a plan.

Xenu took over complete control with the help of renegades to defeat the good people and the Loyal Officers. Then with the help of psychiatrists he called in billions of people for income tax inspections where they were instead given injections of alcohol and glycol mixed to paralyse them. Then they were put into space planes that looked exactly like DC8s (except they had rocket motors instead of propellers).

These DC8 space planes then flew to planet Earth where the paralysed people were stacked around the bases of volcanoes in their hundreds of billions. When they had finished stacking them around then H-bombs were lowered into the volcanoes. Xenu then detonated all the H-bombs at the same time and everyone was killed.

The story doesn't end there though. Since everyone has a soul (called a "thetan" in this story) then you have to trick souls into not coming back again. So while the hundreds of billions of souls were being blown around by the nuclear winds he had special electronic traps that caught all the souls in electronic beams (the electronic beams were sticky like fly-paper).

After he had captured all these souls he had them packed into boxes and taken to a few huge cinemas. There all the souls had to spend days watching special 3D motion pictures that told them what life should be like and many confusing things. In this film they were shown false pictures and told they were God, The Devil and Christ. In the story this process is called "implanting".

When the films ended and the souls left the cinema these souls started to stick together because since they had all seen the same film they thought they were the same people. They clustered in groups of a few thousand. Now because there were only a few living bodies left they stayed as clusters and inhabited these bodies.

As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and they locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets. He is kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery and Xenu is still alive today.

That is the end of the story. And so today everyone is full of these clusters of souls called "body thetans". And if we are to be a free soul then we have to remove all these "body thetans" and pay lots of money to do so. And the only reason people believe in God and Christ was because it was in the film their body thetans saw 75 million years ago.

Well what did you think of that story?

What? You thought it was a stupid story?

Well so do we. However, this story is the core belief in the religion known as Scientology. If people knew about this story then most people would never get involved in it. This story is told to you when you reach one of their secret levels called OT III. After that you are supposed to telepathically communicate with these body thetans to make them go away. You have to pay a lot of money to get to this level and do this (or you have to work very hard for the organisation on extremely low pay for many years).

Uh huh...right......

I live about a block and a half away from a church of scientology so I may have to check it out and have a little fun with them.

Speaking of whacked out cults, Scottywood does some investigative blogging to uncover the scaryweird cult of Smallville.

Marry Me Marissa

Just something I dashed off quickly. I like the concept anyway.

Sam walks down the street. Someone recognizes him and they talk about his relationship with Marissa, using both of their names several times. He walks into an apartment building and knocks on a door. He speaks casually and a bit uncomfortably to Marissa. Marissa doesn’t notice it (she finds it difficult to stay on one topic for too long and doesn’t pay much attention to Sam), but Sam seems bored, anxious, and upset. In the background, a banner is unfurled from a window directly across the street. We can’t read it yet.

They walk outside, Marissa first. She looks up and sees the banner. A look of shock and joy fills her face. Sam is facing the other way to shut the door. When he turns around, Marissa is hugging him, shouting “yes,” almost in tears. He is confused, looks up, sees the banner (which the audience hasn’t seen yet) and his eyes grow wide with shock and horror. Finally, the audience sees the banner, which reads “MARRY ME MARISSA.”

Back in Marissa’s room, Sam sits quietly on a chair, dumbfounded as Marissa excitedly calls friends and family telling them Sam proposed to her.

Sam, still dumbstruck, eats alone in a diner. A friend comes up to him and greets him warmly.

RITCHE: Sam! Sam! Wow, I heard you proposed! That’s huge! Why didn’t you tell me?
SAM: Tell you?
RITCHE: Yeah! I had no idea, what’s up?
SAM: I never planned on proposing.
RITCHE: What?
SAM: The banner. You heard about the banner?
RITCHE: Yeah, you put the banner in the other window.
SAM: No I didn’t. That wasn’t my banner.
RITCHE: What?
SAM: Wasn’t my banner.
RITCHE: What are you talking about? Of course it was your banner.
SAM: (waking up for the first time) Are you not listening to me? I didn’t put the banner there, man. It wasn’t my banner! I didn’t want to propose to Marissa. If anything, I’ve had enough with her! Someone else put the banner up.
RITCHE: Who would do that?
SAM: I don’t know. I don’t know who would do that. Someone sick and someone twisted and someone who hates me.
RITCHE: Why didn’t you tell her it wasn’t your banner?
SAM: When the fuck was I supposed to tell her? When she was hanging all over me crying over me telling me how happy she was? Or maybe when she was calling her mother, yeah maybe then I should have told her.
RITCHE: Well how can you not tell her?
SAM: It never came up!
RITCHE: Never came up? What, do you think this kind of shit usually comes up? The girlfriend for how long says “is that your banner?”
SAM: Six months! Six months, what is that? We barely know each other! My parents dated for five and a half years before they got married and they still got divorced! And now you’re telling me she’s expecting a proposal at six motherfucking months?
RITCHE: Well what are you going to do?
SAM: What can I do?

I take someone else's premise in a different direction

"Have you seen these crazy guys on the street who talk to themselves on the street? I wonder what their first conversation was like.

'Hey, you. Me?'"
-Dan Klein

You think their relationship with themself had the awkward small talk phase?

"So. Where are you from? Oh, I'm from around here. Oh yeah, me too? I've lived here after I got home from Vietnam. You were in Vietnam? Wow, small world."