OH IT'S ON, BOWFLEX

The Fork tells me about the new Bowflex commercial. Apparently, there's some preening jackass with his shirt off bragging about all the weight he lost with Bowflex. So then, he stares straight into the camera and says something like this:

"You see people on TV talking about how much weight they lost eating sandwiches, but you don't see them taking off their shirt and flexing, do you?"

Fuck you, man.

The Fork thinks this sets the stage for a hardcore ladder match, though he says I might prefer a dance-off. I resent the implications of that remark. But anyway, here's a special new excerpt from my script for the upcoming Jared Fogle biopic "235."

[Jared walks down the street at night with a beautiful woman on his arm.]

JARED: Well the thing about Bowflex is it's a sham. They hire actors for the commercial. The machines nothing but a couple strings attached to some boxes. And they--

[Three huge men step out from behind dumpsters.]

MAN 1: Well well well. If it isn't little Jared Fogle.
MAN 2: So. We hear you lost a lot of weight eating sandwiches.
MAN 3: But I don't see you doing this.

[The men flex, ripping their tight shirts. Suddenly, they attack Jared. Jared ducks one of their punches and sends him flying into the dumpster with a flurry of furious kicks. The second man rushes him and he kicks him in the face and chops him in the back of the neck. The third man pulls out a knife. Jared disarms him and kicks him in the face several times, knocking him to the ground. The third man looks up dazed with blood from his mouth.]

JARED: Eat fresh, bitch.

Keep reading Shrimp Products for more from "235," hopefully with less homoeroticism next time.

The Melbourne City Council thinks you're pretty stupid

Are you gonna take that from the Melbourne City Council?

Plants sow seeds of hate (gotta love the headline)

A FLORAL foul-up has left a city street lined with swastika shapes in a week of major Jewish celebrations.

Gardeners hired by Melbourne City Council intended to arrange the purple and white pot plants into neat geometric shapes.

But they left six 3m garden beds along Swanston St displaying large Nazi symbols.

...

"The arrangements, even if done inadvertently, are in appalling taste," Lord Mayor John So said. "I have asked that they be changed immediately."

Vandals were initially believed to have rearranged the plants as a racist slur. But closer investigation showed gardeners had inadvertently used the pattern.

Inadvertently, huh? Look. One is inadvertent. Maybe six that look vaguely like swastikas if you kind of look at them sideways could be inadvertent. Six that look like this are not inadvertent. I mean you'd think around number four or five, one of these guys would have said "Hmm. You know what? This looks exactly fucking like a motherfucking swastika."

INSIDE THE MIND OF UPDATE: Each and every one of these gardners:

"Whoa, man. Those are swastikas. Ah fuck it, I need a beer."

Tasteful. Elegant, even.

Via this place.

Judge Suspended For Wearing Blackface To Party

NEW ORLEANS -- The Louisiana Supreme Court has given a judge a six-month suspension for wearing blackface makeup, handcuffs and a jail jumpsuit to a Halloween party.

...

Ellender, who is white, said the costumes worn by him and his wife were meant as a joke. She dressed as a policewoman. And the party's host, Ellender's brother-in-law, was dressed as Buckwheat.

The justices agreed Ellender did not mean to insult blacks. Still, they ordered him to take a sociology course to get "a greater understanding of racial sensitivity."

Little tip for those of you out there who are having trouble with racially sensitive Halloween costumes. If it can be described using the word "blackface," then nine times out of ten it's probably offensive.

This is how much I hate buzzwords

I came across the phrase "final solution" in my social sciences paper comparing Adam Smith and Emile Durkheim. I knew I couldn't have this, so I crossed out "solution" and wrote "answer."

No. Can't have that either.

So now I had a problem on my hands. Which phrase should I use? The one from that TV show? Or the one that refers to Hitler's plan to exterminate an entire race?

Not an easy decision.

Finally, at the detriment of the sentence, I crossed out "final" and just left it at "answer." It'll have to do. Unfortunately, there is no acceptable alternative.

Best of what? Oh, Balderdash.

PGBA
Pretty Girls and Boys of America
Dan

PGBA
Professional Golfer’s Bank of America
The Fork

“Twinkie”
A serial killer seeks revenge on his enemies by stuffing them with cream.
The Fork

“Meeting at Midnight”
An adolescent boy receives advice from a magical fish that only speaks from 12 to 12:05 in the morning.
Me

“Meeting at Midnight”
A movie about a prostitute who wants to be a juggler.
Steve

Playing (word association) with myself

fat
tub
bum
rum
chum
chap
lip
kip
kill
spill
spoil
moil
nick nolte
hawaii
volcano
explode
jared fogle
fat
uncle torso
train
plane
automobile
car
far
bar
drink
beer
foam
pac-man

INKBLOT UPDATE: OK, just clear your mind and tell me what you see.

PRESCRIPTION UPDATE: You name it.

One liners which are woefully unappreciated

My friend Tom Smith had a family reunion. Millions of people attended.

My parents went to the tee shirt store and all I got was this lousy tee shirt.

Excerpt from my screenplay to the Jared Fogle biopic "235"

[Jared, an awkward teenager, walks into his high school gym. There is a large banner hanging above him reading "HIP HOP DANCE GROUP AUDITIONS TODAY." He takes a deep breath and walks into the gym. He nods and smiles to a group of intimidating guys sitting at a long table, looking at him skeptically.]

JARED: Hello, my name is Jared Fogle, and I am going to dance to--
FLYBOY 1: Wait. Are you telling me you think you can be a part of the Flyboyz?
JARED: Yes, sir. I've been working very hard on my dancing and--
FLYBOY 2: Look, Jerry--
JARED: It's Jared.
[The Flyboyz laugh]
FLYBOY 2: Whatever, man. Look. We don't take tubbies into our group.
JARED: Well that's really not fair. I can dance as well as anyone and--
FLYBOY 3: It doesn't matter, lardass. Now find the exit.
[A look of disappointment, restrained anger, and pity flashes across Jared's face. The Flyboyz laugh. He walks away, clenching his fists with a look of determination on his face.]
JARED: I'll show them. I'll show all of them. Weight can be lost and my talent will last forever. They'll be sorry for how they treated me when I go on a diet and become the best hip hop dancer they've ever seen...

Keep reading Shrimp Products for more from my Jared Fogle biopic "235"

I've run out of ideas

for Future Chris Sartinsky, so that's over.

Meanwhile, Slow Children at Play, the sketch comedy group I told you about was amazing. For example...

DOCTOR PERFORMING SURGERY: Bone saw.
(His assistant hands him something. The Doctor drops it in the patient)
DOCTOR: Whoa. Was that a bone saw? Or was that a time bomb set for 17 years?
ASSISSTANT: I'm not sure.
...
DOCTOR: Alright, alright. Just check the table and see if there's a bone saw there.
ASSISSTANT: There's no bone saw.
DOCTOR: OK. At least we know it's a bone saw in there.
ASSISTANT: Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes?
ASSISTANT: There's no time bomb either.