Hey! How about that Facebook, huh? Boy, it's really something, isn't it? I use it all the time, you know? It's like I'm addicted to Facebook! I should be attending Facebook-Aholics Anonymous! "Hi, my name is Chris S. and I'm addicted to poking and my interests include Dave Matthews Band, liberal politics, Garden State, and other shitty collegiate pop culture phenomena I plant in a cynical ploy for attention from attractive girls!"
And how about poking, huh? What's the deal with that? Like the other day I got poked by a total stranger! What the fuck?
Have you ever noticed that normal people use pictures of themselves while ugly people use pictures of buildings and landscapes? It's like, who do you think you're kidding? We all know you're a dog! That's why I never friend a girl unless her picture shows her chest!
Did you see how I just used "friend" as a verb? Am I a fucking shithead or what?
I'm in so many clubs! I like to think that the clubs I'm in show off my funny and random side (because girls dig random). Like, I'm in the Sour Gummi Worms Appreciation Club. IS THAT FUCKING NUTS OR WHAT???
I wonder if all this time on Facebook is impairing my ability to interact with people in real life. Wouldn't that be fucking surreal? If everyone spent all their time on Facebook that they forgot how to talk to each other? WOULDN'T THAT BE FUCKING OUT OF CONTROL YOU MOTHERFUCKING PRICK?
I'm friends with 195 people! Of course I've never spoken to two thirds of them, but that doesn't matter! It's like junior high all over again where the number of friends you have reflected directly on how cool you were! Have you ever noticed how Facebook is like junior high? Have you? HAVE YOU GODDAMMIT?
And then I'm connected to like 1400 people! Even though I don't know them! Cause they're like, friends of my friends, you know? Sometimes when no one's friended me or messaged me and I haven't done anything on Facebook for like a really long time (for like 15 minutes that is, have I mentioned how I'm so addicted to Facebook? Because I am! I am, like, so addicted to Facebook!) I make friends requests to people I don't even know! Who are just connected to me! And sometimes they message me and go "who are u?" and I go "ur the ex-boyfriend of the girl that sits next to me in french who i asked for a pen once but she didn't have a pen!" And then he friends me! A guy I don't even know! ISN'T THAT FUCKING CRAZY? HOW YOU CAN BE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW? ISN'T IT SO FUCKING CRAZY YOU WANT TO RIP YOUR BALLS OFF AND SHOVE THEM SO FAR DOWN SOMEONE'S THROAT YOU CAN FEEL THEIR GASTRIC JUICES DIGESTING YOUR HAND?
Well I have to go now. I have a lot of work to do. Oh, but I won't really do work, I'll probably waste time on Facebook instead! Have I talked about how I spend so much time on Facebook I don't do work and it hurts my grades? Isn't that so fucking nuts you want to wrap your lips around a revolver and splatter your fucking useless brains all over your wall? Oh well. I'll save that for another column.
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