Horoscopes (and reader help politely requested)

A blatant ripoff to be sure, but that's because it's for the Pedestrian and, well, that's what I'm supposed to do.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): People will begin to question the saying "lightning never strikes the same place twice" when you gain a kind of local celebrity for managing to fall down the same manhole dozens of times.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): You'll finally find the motivation you've been looking for to lose a few pounds, but you'll wish it didn't have to come in the form of a having a massive hole torn in your roof so you can be lifted out of the house by forklift.

GEMINI (May 21-Jun. 21): Your joy at putting your banker in his place will turn to shock and regret when he hangs himself in front of you, giving you a whole new understanding of the tagline “Lost another one to Ditech.”

CANCER (Jun. 22-Jul. 22): You'll finally learn how disliked you really were when you're forced to call off your hunger strike because people seem to be enjoying watching you starve.

LEO (Jul. 23-Aug. 22): Your faith in God will be shaken when you see that Subway’s Jared Fogle has a hotter girlfriend than you could ever hope to get.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You won’t question your commitment to doing the right thing no matter what others think when they lock you in the refrigerator, but you’ll begin to reconsider when you’re thrown in the Arctic Ocean.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Convincing your husband to usurp the throne through cold-blooded murder thereby fulfilling the witches’ prophecy may be bad for your conscience, but it will sure help you nail that paper on Lady Macbeth’s psychology for British Lit.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): You won’t learn if a tiger could beat a bear in a fight like you wanted, but you will learn that they’re capable of surprising teamwork when they come across an overcurious human.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): David Letterman sure looks different in person, but maybe that’s just because you’ve never seen him flip over the hood of your car and fly headfirst through your windshield on TV.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You’ve seen enough episodes of America’s Funniest Home Videos to see piñata accident coming from a mile away, but you’ve been left ill-prepared for the boulder that will crush you inside your car later that afternoon.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): If you sit perfectly still, it might not see you.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): You won’t be appreciated by the art world until after your death, but that’s only because your only contribution to it will be some serendipitous splatters on a blank canvas when you blow your brains out.

I gave my favorite to Sagittarius with Pisces running a close second.

But I'm asking for some help. What do you think? Are any garbage? Are some unclear or grammatically awkward? It's not like I've spent weeks on this; I banged these out in an hour or so. Are there any two that are too similar to be run in the same horoscope? I think a couple might have this problem, but I don't want to influence the results so to speak by telling you which ones if you didn't notice right away.

AND A HILARIOUS ONION ONE I REMEMBER UPDATE: Your continued insistence that no one could possibly know how you feel only serves to emphasize how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded ladies in a row.

ANOTHER ONION ONE UPDATE: You'll disprove the old chestnut about nice guys finishing last by losing consistently while being a gigantic prick.