What happened to Jamster?

Maybe I just haven't watched enough TV lately, but it's been a long time since I've seen a Jamster commercial.

Jamster commercials made me feel very very sad. They were just so obviously the work of people who had absolutely no idea how to market to young people or what kind of products young people would want. Who could get excited by the Bling Bling Rims? Who sees this lame Sh*t Happens (censored no less!) and says "I must have it!" And then the ringtones. Sad. Loud black men shouting about how you should pick up the phone. Who wants to hear that every time somebody calls them?

I can't imagine a single person has ever called Jamster and purchased one of their services. Who would? To tell you the truth, I almost feel so bad for them I want to call them and buy something myself and give them some empty words of encouragement so they don't completely lose their spirits. This almost makes me think that Jamster is using some kind of brilliant antimarketing dependent on sympathy...but no. Their products are far too useless for them to try a risky scheme like that.

The Jamster people are obviously good people. I'm sure of this. There are only really two options for the kind of people who would start a company like Jamster: good people who truly believe they can provide someone with a service they will appreciate and cynical bastards trying to suck money off of spoiled teenagers consumed with their image. So how do I know the Jamster people aren't just cynical profit seekers?

Have you seen the commercials?

Cynical profit seekers do their research. They pour thousands, even millions of dollars into test markets and consumer research to try and exploit our weaknesses so we feel we have no choice but to by their product. The Jamster people have obviously done no research. They set up their company, bought a shitload of advertising time on MTV, and waited for the calls to start.

I can see the Jamster offices in my mind. It's sad. I see a huge expansive room filled with cubicles. Every cubicle is full with a worker sitting in front of their computer and their phone just looking at the clock. The guys who started the company, good-hearted I know, stand outside their offices everyday waiting for someone to call. Occasionally someone's phone will ring and there will be a buzz of excitement in the air, but more often than not, it's just a wrong number. "Tomorrow people will call," one investor will say to his partner. "Have you seen the new ads that are going out tomorrow? They're great. We got Sir Mix-A-Lot. We can't lose." The partners will look at each other, both forcing a smile, but both knowing that tomorrow won't be any different.

I know how Jamster was founded too. It was some wealthy businessman whose family resents him. He has a fifteen or sixteen year old daughter that he's trying to make a connection with. Jamster was his attempt to try and forge an unlikely bond and reclaim the love of his family. It didn't work of course. At dinner, he'll make tentative attempts at reconciliation. "So did you see any of our commercials today honey?" he'll ask. She'll roll her eyes and continue eating silently as his wife looks up nervously and his ten year old son (too young to know exactly what's going on, God bless him) keeps eating obliviously. "That frog is something else, huh? You should meet the guy who does the voice. He's great. Of course we sped the voice up on tape, but he's still hilarious. I could set up a meeting if you're interested. Or an autograph--"

"No thanks, Dad," she grunts. Her father sighs and sadly looks back down at his dinner, praying that the new Jamster commercial with the P.I.M.P. wallpaper to be what it takes for his business to take off so his daughter can respect him.