Burglar

When I was three years old, my family and I lived in Middletown, Connecticut. We lived in a pretty nice neighborhood with a lot of families but much of Middletown is urban and it can be a dangerous town if you end up in the wrong place. I liked riding my Big Wheel up and down the sidewalk in front of our house but my mother would only let me go outside if she was watching me the whole time.

I quickly got tired of this. One night, I tied some of my sheets together and rappelled out of my window down the side of my house like I had seen in the cartoons. I pulled my Big Wheel out of the garage (which I was able to open because I had stealthily placed a brick under the door that afternoon) and had fun.

My plan was not perfect. The roaring of the Big Wheel on the sidewalk (along with my own frenzied giggling) woke my mother, who is a light sleeper. When I saw her room suddenly light up, I rushed back to the window and crawled back into bed.

"Were you just outside?" she asked, coming into my room.

"No."

"Who was riding your Big Wheel?"

"Burglar."

"A burglar was riding your Big Wheel?"

"Yes. He wanted to steal my Rocky Raccoon so I told him to ride my Big Wheel instead." My mother looked at me skeptically.

"I can prove it," I said. "He ate a cupcake in the basement. The wrapper is still down there." As my mother descended into the basement, I unwrapped a cupcake, inhaled it and put the wrapper into the kitchen.

"There's no wrapper in the basement," my mom said.

"That's because I said he ate it in the kitchen. Why would anyone eat a cupcake in the basement?"

My mother went into the kitchen, found the wrapper, and brought it back to my room. She still wasn't satisfied.

"He was here," I said. "I can prove it. After he ate the cupcake in the kitchen, he went into the living room and watched C-SPAN." As my mother checked the living room TV, I crept into the basement with another cupcake, inhaled that one as well, left the wrapper in the basement, and left the TV on C-SPAN.

"The TV wasn't on C-SPAN," my mom said.

"That's because you didn't go to the basement. Don't you remember? He ate the cupcake in the basement and watched TV down there." My mother returned to my room from the basement with the cupcake wrapper after having seen a repeat of Congress voting for the use of force to liberate Kuwait. She was still less than convinced.

"Why are your sheets tied together?"

"I like sleeping under knots," I said. Feeling I was losing my grip on the situation, I looked out the window nervously just as a burglar serendipitously walked down the street with a sack full of stolen goods eating a cupcake. He saw my Big Wheel sitting in the yard and walked over to it, giving the wheel a kick and trying to decide if he wasn't too big to give it a ride. I pointed and my mom gasped. She ran out of the room, grabbed our rifle, and shot him in the leg.

"I'm sorry I didn't believe you, honey."

"That's OK."

"Let me tuck you in." She snaked my knotted sheets around my body. "Goodnight."