Philip Morris USA's guide to talking with your kids about smoking

We at Philip Morris know that talking with your kids about smoking can be difficult. That's why we've come up with this list of Frequently Asked Questions to help you deal with the issue.

When should I bring it up?
The hardest part of the conversation is starting it. That's why we suggest you bring it up when your child is asleep or otherwise unconscious. That way, you can be sure your child won't ask any difficult questions and you can be over and done with as quickly as possible.

Where can I find information on the dangers of smoking?
Don't look in any credible scientific journals--you'll find nothing discrediting smoking in there. The best place to look is in our helpful brochure "Lies About Tobacco" which the folks at Philip Morris have been using since the '50s. There, you'll find all the popular theories and pseudoscience you're looking for to scare your kids off any legitimate product that we produce. And if you mention this FAQ in your brochure-request form, we'll send you a free pack of Virginia Lights!

My child says "It's a free country and I'll do what I want." How do I respond to this?
Well, your child is right. This is America and he or she is free to do whatever he or she feels is in his or her best interest. That's what makes America great. If your child brings this up, the best strategy is to concede the point and try to make an argument somewhere else.

My child says that most of the bad things I have heard about cigarettes are nothing but propaganda spread by the powerful anti-tobacco lobby--mostly composed of terrorists. Is this true?
In a word, yes. Every bit of it. You should be proud that you are raising such an intelligent and well-informed child. Tobacco does help America prosecute the war on terror, but hey. What does that do, really?

You make a pretty strong case for smoking. Where can I find a pack of your fine products?
We thought it might come to this. If you'd like to begin smoking after reading this FAQ, please head to your nearest convenience store and ask the attendant for only the finest Philip Morris products. And don't forget a pack for your kids!