Smile, you three

Badoomba

Kind of interesting

The head that was removed from Manar had been capable of smiling and blinking but not independent life, doctors said.

However, doctors pointed out that the head was only capable of smiling at the Hulk Hogan blockbuster "Santa With Muscles" which research has shown is capable of resurrecting the dead and animating plants, stones, and other inanimate objects in sheer pleasure and awe.

Tim:

"I got touched by a gay man down by the river and my nipple twitched"

It gets better and better

I'm wasting time on Wikipedia and I came across an article for List of movies that have been considered among the worst ever. One truly stood out.

It's called "Santa With Muscles."

Now that alone is spectacular. I could walk away from my computer right now and have a good laugh that there ever existed a movie that went by the name "Santa With Muscles."

But then it gets better.

The description:
"Features professional wrestler Hulk Hogan in a Santa Claus outfit,"

OK, OK. Now you probably think that's the peak, right? It's not over yet though.

"fighting with Ed Begley, Jr"

Pause...

"for control of mysterious crystals"

...you think I'm done, don't you.

"beneath an orphanage"

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH FUCKING GOD! HULK HOGAN IN A FUCKING SANTA OUTFIT FIGHTING WITH ED FUCKING BEGLEY JR. OVER MYSTERIOUS CRYSTALS HIDDEN BENEATH A FUCKING ORPHANAGE! That REAL description tops the very best of the best of Balderdash.

Oh, and I forgot.

"Featuring a Clint Howard cameo"

MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP!

Just picture this movie in your mind. Close your eyes and envision an orphanage. Kids are tucked tightly in their beds while Ed Begley Jr. sneaks around dressed in black holding a bag, digging underneath. He comes across the mysterious crystals he's been looking for, gives an evil smirk and laughs to himself when suddenly over his shoulder he hears a deep voice dramatically say "Not...so...fast..." His grin turns to a look of comedic dread, he slowly turns around....

AND IT'S FUCKING HULK HOGAN IN A FUCKING SANTA CLAUSE OUTFIT!!!!!!

Then I can picture Clint Howard as the local cop pulling up to the orphanage, seeing Hulk Hogan dressed up as Santa Claus beating on Ed Begley Jr. with all the kids cheering Santa Hogan on, getting out of his car, scratching his head, and doing that squinty look I've seen him do. Then he walks up to Hogan and Hogan turns around and says "Don't worry, Officer. Everything's under control here. HO HO HO!"

THIS IS SO FUCKING CLEAR IN MY MIND I COULD DIRECT THIS MOTHERFUCKER AND IT WOULD BE FRAME BY FRAME IDENTICAL TO THIS ONE.

Look at this poster! Just look at it! This is art. This is art.

(An odd aside, on the first page of Google Image results for Santa With Muscles is this beauty entitled "Beefcake 2")

This is amazing. This may top Paul Anka. Before you gasp, let me remind you what we're talking about here.

HULK HOGAN AND ED BEGLEY, JR. FIGHTING OVER CRYSTALS UNDERNEATH AN ORPHANAGE. AAAAAHHHHHH!!!

I TOLD YOU, I SEE THIS MOVIE IN MY MIND UPDATE: I swear to God I only saw this site after I wrote the above.

Thorne gets into a game of paintball, ends up being chased by a cop (played by Ron Howard's brother)

I told you, I fucking KNOW this movie.

CONTEMPLATION UPDATE: Hulk Hogan made a movie called Mr. Nanny where he plays a big tough guy who has to be a nanny or something along those lines. Now think about this for a second. Hulk Hogan as Mr. Nanny...AND IT DOES NOT EVEN BEGIN TO COMPARE TO SANTA WITH MUSCLES.

Horoscopes (and reader help politely requested)

A blatant ripoff to be sure, but that's because it's for the Pedestrian and, well, that's what I'm supposed to do.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): People will begin to question the saying "lightning never strikes the same place twice" when you gain a kind of local celebrity for managing to fall down the same manhole dozens of times.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): You'll finally find the motivation you've been looking for to lose a few pounds, but you'll wish it didn't have to come in the form of a having a massive hole torn in your roof so you can be lifted out of the house by forklift.

GEMINI (May 21-Jun. 21): Your joy at putting your banker in his place will turn to shock and regret when he hangs himself in front of you, giving you a whole new understanding of the tagline “Lost another one to Ditech.”

CANCER (Jun. 22-Jul. 22): You'll finally learn how disliked you really were when you're forced to call off your hunger strike because people seem to be enjoying watching you starve.

LEO (Jul. 23-Aug. 22): Your faith in God will be shaken when you see that Subway’s Jared Fogle has a hotter girlfriend than you could ever hope to get.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You won’t question your commitment to doing the right thing no matter what others think when they lock you in the refrigerator, but you’ll begin to reconsider when you’re thrown in the Arctic Ocean.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Convincing your husband to usurp the throne through cold-blooded murder thereby fulfilling the witches’ prophecy may be bad for your conscience, but it will sure help you nail that paper on Lady Macbeth’s psychology for British Lit.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): You won’t learn if a tiger could beat a bear in a fight like you wanted, but you will learn that they’re capable of surprising teamwork when they come across an overcurious human.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): David Letterman sure looks different in person, but maybe that’s just because you’ve never seen him flip over the hood of your car and fly headfirst through your windshield on TV.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You’ve seen enough episodes of America’s Funniest Home Videos to see piñata accident coming from a mile away, but you’ve been left ill-prepared for the boulder that will crush you inside your car later that afternoon.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): If you sit perfectly still, it might not see you.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): You won’t be appreciated by the art world until after your death, but that’s only because your only contribution to it will be some serendipitous splatters on a blank canvas when you blow your brains out.

I gave my favorite to Sagittarius with Pisces running a close second.

But I'm asking for some help. What do you think? Are any garbage? Are some unclear or grammatically awkward? It's not like I've spent weeks on this; I banged these out in an hour or so. Are there any two that are too similar to be run in the same horoscope? I think a couple might have this problem, but I don't want to influence the results so to speak by telling you which ones if you didn't notice right away.

AND A HILARIOUS ONION ONE I REMEMBER UPDATE: Your continued insistence that no one could possibly know how you feel only serves to emphasize how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded ladies in a row.

ANOTHER ONION ONE UPDATE: You'll disprove the old chestnut about nice guys finishing last by losing consistently while being a gigantic prick.

NASCAR in a nutshell

"Tonight on SportsCenter, the connection between NASCAR and hard liquor."

DALE EARNHARDT UPDATE: Still dead.

The book I hope to someday write

Dr. X and the Hot Hot Shrapnel Zone (With Cobras)

Think The Andromeda Strain with cobras and giant gorillas. It'll be class.

Michael Jackson: needs a new lawyer

Bryant, Taylor Among Jackson Witnesses

SANTA MARIA, Calif. (AP) - The defense witness list in Michael Jackson's trial includes Jackson's own children and a variety of celebrities, among them Kobe Bryant and Elizabeth Taylor, his lawyer told jury prospects Monday.

Michael Jackson's attorney, Thomas J. Mesereau Jr., told the prospects that the defense witness list includes NBA star Bryant, Taylor, illusionist David Blaine, TV newsman Ed Bradley, Backstreet Boy Nick Carter and relatives of actor Marlon Brando.

Yup, there's no one like an accused rapist to help you out with those child molestation charges.

Lori Beth Denberg update: they're getting mean now

I'm #2 on a Yahoo search for Lori Beth Denberg fat ass. Now I never called Lori Beth Denberg a fat ass; as with the first Lori Beth Denberg hit I ever received, it was merely an unfortunate coincidence based on what I posted during that week (though Freud would say there really are no coincidences and posting on Lori Beth Denberg just moved fat asses to the forefront of my subconscious).

Ashlee Simpson reference

At halftime of the UConn-UNC game (which UConn is currently winning without leading scorer Rashad Anderson, LET'S GO HUSKIES):

BRYANT GUMBEL: No one's getting embarrassed out there, at least not Ashlee Simpson embarrassed.
SETH DAVIS: Well that's a pretty high standard you're setting there.

I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP