Ben

Me (1:43:42 AM): yo don't forget the weathervane tomorrow
Ben (1:43:54 AM): ???
Me (1:44:04 AM): the weathervane
Me (1:44:16 AM): the inlaws are coming over, if i don't get it tomorrow i'm fucked
Ben (1:44:24 AM): okay terrific
Me (1:45:04 AM): thanks dude
Me (1:45:18 AM): how long did it take to glue it back together
Me (1:46:39 AM): you there?
Me (1:46:56 AM): badhat?
Ben (1:48:25 AM): sorry I was talking to Pat O'Brien
Me (1:48:48 AM): is that the guy at the hardware store?
Ben (1:49:25 AM): He's on coke you dumb fuck. Aren't you listening?
Me (1:49:28 AM): i told you, he's ripping you off on that glue
Me (1:49:31 AM): ???
Me (1:49:44 AM): are you drunk again badhat?
Me (1:50:08 AM): come on, man, you jsut got sober
Ben (1:50:09 AM): Hold on, Betsy is on the phone
Me (1:50:18 AM): who is betsy?
Me (1:50:29 AM): that's not the girl from phoenix, is it?
Me (1:50:33 AM): does cindy know you're talking to her?
Me (1:51:42 AM): you need to pull it together and stop drinking
Me (1:51:51 AM): remember what happened last time? you hit bobby
Ben (1:52:06 AM): I'm bored with this already, thanks though.
Me (1:52:08 AM): you could barely looka t yourself in the mirror
Me (1:52:14 AM): what?
Ben signed off at 1:52:17 AM.

Fun with my new screen name, round 2

Let's see how long I can keep this up before people I know start catching on.


My new secret screen name (1:24:55 AM): hey can you put fernando on please?
My new secret screen name (1:25:01 AM): i need to talk to him and his cell is off or something
Steve (1:25:09 AM): sorry whos this?
My new secret screen name (1:25:19 AM): come on, man, just put fernando on
My new secret screen name (1:25:20 AM): it's important
Steve (1:25:30 AM): ur nuts
My new secret screen name (1:25:37 AM): did he say that?
My new secret screen name (1:25:47 AM): tell him i just need to ask him a quick question about the swan
Steve (1:25:56 AM): ok
My new secret screen name (1:26:01 AM): thanks man
Steve (1:26:12 AM): he says that the swan would like to fuck you in the ass
My new secret screen name (1:26:45 AM): tell him to stop being stupid and i just need to know how he got the swan to stay out of the yard
My new secret screen name (1:26:47 AM): is he drunk?
Steve (1:27:31 AM): yo, honestly, I have no idea who fernando is or how you got my sn, so stop talking to me, I can make up a bunch of stories about the swan, lol
My new secret screen name (1:28:45 AM): is this mario?
Steve (1:28:52 AM): no its luigi
My new secret screen name (1:29:10 AM): all right, really?
My new secret screen name (1:29:13 AM): cause i know a luigi
My new secret screen name (1:29:18 AM): but i don't know if you're just joking with the whole mario thing
Steve (1:29:26 AM): yea, and princess toadstool is sucking my dick
My new secret screen name (1:29:50 AM): ?
My new secret screen name (1:29:54 AM): oh, this is tj, isn't it
Steve (1:29:57 AM): if youre just fuckin around, cool, i like to do that, but honestly, you got the wrong sn
My new secret screen name (1:30:33 AM): i wish i was fucking around, there's a fucking huge swan prancing around my yard and i can't leave the house
Steve (1:30:41 AM): where are you
My new secret screen name (1:30:47 AM): ga
Steve (1:30:58 AM): ok, well im in pennsylvaina, alright
My new secret screen name (1:31:03 AM): so this isn't tj?
Steve (1:31:20 AM): no sir
Steve (1:31:26 AM): look at my info, damn
My new secret screen name (1:31:42 AM): i can't read greek
Steve (1:31:55 AM): well is TJ in a frat?
My new secret screen name (1:31:57 AM): tj is greek though, are you just fucking around with me?
My new secret screen name (1:32:01 AM): no but he's greek
Steve (1:32:25 AM): oh, well you got the wrong guy bro hymn
My new secret screen name (1:32:54 AM): http://community.webshots.com/photo/252645454/252647126KXSCLe
My new secret screen name (1:32:57 AM): wait i know that guy though
My new secret screen name (1:33:07 AM): he sold me an amplifier
Steve (1:33:15 AM): who
My new secret screen name (1:33:20 AM): the one in the picture
My new secret screen name (1:33:22 AM): murray i think?
Steve (1:33:32 AM): dude, youre crazy
Steve (1:33:37 AM): this is sooooooo shane
My new secret screen name (1:33:57 AM): no, sean
Steve (1:34:04 AM): sean...
My new secret screen name (1:34:45 AM): well i'm not telling you my name until you level with me
Steve (1:34:51 AM): haha, ok
My new secret screen name (1:34:53 AM): this is mario, right?
Steve (1:34:56 AM): what do you wanna know
Steve (1:35:00 AM): no, this is steve
My new secret screen name (1:35:18 AM): steve abhoud-miller?
Steve (1:35:29 AM): wow, that is a bad made-up name
My new secret screen name (1:35:57 AM): so that's not you?
My new secret screen name (1:36:04 AM): his mom didn't want to drop her name
Steve (1:36:06 AM): no
Steve (1:37:03 AM): ur lucky im bored and actually typing back to this
My new secret screen name (1:37:06 AM): all right, so i guess i don't know who you are then
My new secret screen name (1:37:16 AM): look, i'm just trying to find fernando
Steve (1:37:18 AM): howd you get the sn
My new secret screen name (1:37:24 AM): fernando gave it to me
My new secret screen name (1:37:46 AM): he said that's where he'd be tonight
My new secret screen name (1:38:19 AM): are their people over there? could you ask around for me?
Steve (1:38:30 AM): no Im in my dorm room, hahahaha
My new secret screen name (1:39:15 AM): do you go to college with murray?
My new secret screen name (1:39:18 AM): or whoever that kid was
My new secret screen name (1:40:38 AM): hello?
Steve (1:41:39 AM): nope

A conversation with Chris

My new secret screen name (1:17:42 AM): you'd better give me back my car you fuck
My new secret screen name (1:18:01 AM): i'm not even fucking joking, all right? let's just put an end to this already
My new secret screen name (1:18:39 AM): xavier
Coleman (1:18:55 AM): what
My new secret screen name (1:19:07 AM): i told you i want my car back
Coleman (1:19:25 AM): who are you
My new secret screen name (1:19:29 AM): i need it for work
My new secret screen name (1:19:32 AM): oh shut the fuck up
My new secret screen name (1:19:35 AM): don't play dumb with me
Coleman (1:19:43 AM): whats my name
My new secret screen name (1:19:50 AM): xavier
Coleman (1:20:04 AM): no
My new secret screen name (1:20:20 AM): i know you're xavier, shithead, drop the act
Coleman signed off at 1:20:29 AM.

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg died on Wednesday. He was hilarious. Here are some quotes.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

My near-perfect analogy

My burrito was falling apart on both sides. Tending to one side caused me to lose focus on the other side, so when one was fixed the other was hurt. I likened myself to Hitler fighting a two-front war. I think that's pretty damn accurate.

Mr. Crameri, to the trumpet section of the eighth grade symphonic band, Apr. 1, 1999

If some sort of divine creature, some angel could come down from Heaven and sit on top of your music stands and change color if you didn't know what you were doing...there would be a whole lot of angels changing color right now.

Best of Balderdash: Return to Regular Blogging Edition

July 2, 1989
The maiden voyage of the world’s first rocket powered canoe.
The Fork

NAHP
Norwegian Americans for Higher Prices
Me

“Tourist Trap”
3 men on vacation become trapped in a glue factory.
The Fork

“Tourist Trap”
A giant spider spins a surprisingly strong web across Hollywood Boulevard.
Me

“Tourist Trap”
Three American teenagers are caught in a giant bear trap while touring the English countryside.
Kevin