The seventh letter in Art Horn's email address followed by the seventh digit in Mr. Nolan's phone number

S8

Natalee Holloway's stepfather

Jug Twitty

Fish are stupid

I don't understand why people keep fish as pets. Fish have no memories. They have no idea who you are. They're not even aware of your existence. But you still have to feed them and you still have to clean up with them. It's all the work of pets without any of the benefits of companionship or home security (unless you use your fish bowl in an over-complicated ineffective security system involving yarn, a spoon, and an alarm clock).

Fish are the only animals that can die by overeating. It takes a special kind of stupid to keep eating until you die. When you get an animal with as low a rung on the evolutionary ladder as a fish, the survival instinct is pretty much the only thing running the show. So you think it would be effective enough to stop the fish from eating everything it sees before it fucking dies.

I was responsible for the death of the family fish once. I never felt better about anything in my life.

ROB DIES, 2

CUT TO

ROB, standing where he reads the monologue.

ROB
Welcome back. Well that’s our show for tonight. This was our first show of the second season of BU Tonight so I just want to thank everyone involved with the show and all of you for watching and I hope you’ll stick around because we’re very excited about this season, it’s going to be great.

DEAN ELMORE enters from backstage.

ELMORE
Hello, Rob.

ROB
Oh, wow. Dean Elmore, everybody. Thanks for dropping by, what brings you here?

ELMORE
Well, I just wanted to congratulate you on a great season of BU Tonight and wish everyone good luck for the second.

ROB
Well thank you. That’s--

An ASSASSIN rushes at ROB and ELMORE.

ASSASSIN
Sic semper tyrannus!

The ASSASSIN takes a shot at ELMORE, but Elmore grabs ROB and hides behind him. Rob takes the bullet in the stomach and falls to the ground, coughing, grimacing, and clutching his stomach. A STAGEHAND tackles the assassin and drags him away.

ELMORE
Thank you, Rob. You saved my life.

ROB
What was that?

ELMORE
What are you talking about?

ROB
You grabbed me! I wasn’t going to take my bullet for you.

ELMORE
Well I’m the Dean of Students. I can’t allow myself to be killed.

ROB
So then move out of the way! Don’t shove a student in front of a bullet meant for you.

ELMORE
Oh, Rob, I wouldn’t have been able to get out of the way. I needed you to take that bullet for me.

ROB
I’m not your bodyguard. You’re the Dean of Students, you’re supposed to be working for us. I don’t have to take a bullet for you if I don’t want to, that’s my prerogative.

ELMORE
That’s where you’re wrong.

ROB
What?

ELMORE
Read your Lifebook, Rob. Page 117: “Should the Dean of Students be in any mortal danger, it is the responsibility of the student to protect him for the good of the University.” You have read the Lifebook, haven’t you Rob?

ROB
…Yes.

ELMORE
I thought so. (looking at the camera) Well again, have a great second season, everyone.

ELMORE exits. ROB continues lying on the ground, moaning. CHRISTIAN enters.

CHRISTIAN
How’re you doing, Rob?

ROB
Oh, well that bullet kind of hurt, I’ve lost a bit of blood, but I think I’m going to be OK.

CHRISTIAN
Uh huh.

CHRISTIAN puts his shoe on ROB’s neck and holds it there. Rob looks up at him in shock, choking.

CHRISTIAN
(con’t)
I’ve been looking for an opportunity like this for months.

ROB
(choking)
What are you doing?

CHRISTIAN
Take a bow, O’Reilly. It’s time for you curtain call!

CHRISTIAN twists his shoe, snapping ROB’s neck. Rob slumps over and dies. Christian looks at him, panting excitedly. He looks at the camera.

CHRISTIAN
Tune in next week when our guests will be _____!

Number of times I've dreamt about Rich Sanzo in the past nine months:

2

HAHA UPDATE: I hope Rich Sanzo does a Google search for his name one day and sees this.

ROB DIES, 1

COMMERCIAL

CUT TO

ROB, standing where he reads the monologue.

ROB
Welcome back. Well that’s our show for tonight. This was our first show of the second season of BU Tonight so I just want to thank everyone involved with the show and all of you for watching and I hope you’ll stick around because we’re very excited about this season, it’s going to be great.

DEAN ELMORE walks out from backstage.

ELMORE
Hello, Rob.

ROB
Oh, wow. Dean Elmore, everybody. Thanks for dropping by, what brings you here?

ELMORE
Well, I just wanted to congratulate you on a great season of BU Tonight and wish everyone good luck for the second.

ROB
Well thank you. That’s very nice of you.

ELMORE
You should be very proud of yourself, Rob.

ROB
Oh, well, again. Thank you very much for dropping by and for the kind words.

ELMORE
I’m sure your parents are very proud of you.

ROB
Uh, yes, I suppose so.

ELMORE
You’ve lived a full life, haven’t you Rob.

ELMORE whips a knife out of his pocket and stabs Rob in the stomach. Rob’s jaw drops in shock and he slowly sinks to his knees, looking up at Elmore. Elmore keeps his hand on the knife jabbed in Rob’s stomach.

ELMORE
We’re very proud of you, Rob. Very, very proud.

ROB tries to say something, but only coughs. He slumps over and dies. With a twist, ELMORE pulls the knife out of Rob’s chest. CHRISTIAN enters from backstage. He looks down at Rob.

ELMORE
The job is done, Mr. Lynch.

CHRISTIAN holds out his hand. ELMORE shakes it.

CHRISTIAN
You’ve done well, Dean Elmore. You’ve done very well.

ELMORE
Thank you, Mr. Lynch. So now that you’re the new host of BU Tonight, what are you going to do?

CHRISTIAN seems to consider the question.

CHRISTIAN
The first thing I’m going to do? Well, Dean Elmore, that would probably be…

CHRISTIAN jabs a knife in ELMORE’S stomach.

CHRISTIAN
…Cover my tracks.

ELMORE’S eyes widen. He looks at the knife and back down at CHRISTIAN, who nods his head as Elmore falls to his knees.

CHRISTIAN
I’m sorry, Dean Elmore. You’ve done well but I’m afraid your usefulness has run out.

ELMORE groans and dies.

CHRISTIAN
Tune in next week, where my guests will be _____!