Saturday, July 16, 2005
Thursday, July 14, 2005
The new Harry Potter book ends in one of the following three ways
a. Professor Snape is the Half-Blood Prince of the title and kills Professor Dumbledore
b. Harry finds his real parents are still alive and has a reunion with them
c. Arthur Weasley bends Harry over a table and rapes him for hours
b. Harry finds his real parents are still alive and has a reunion with them
c. Arthur Weasley bends Harry over a table and rapes him for hours
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Top Four Posts That Never Got Past The Conceptual Stage
4. I talk to my haircut.
3. Equal Time: the countless virtues of Scottywood
2. A twenty-page assessment of American foreign policy in Eastern Europe.
1. Ashlee Simpson and Jared Fogle...like...do something, I don't know.
3. Equal Time: the countless virtues of Scottywood
2. A twenty-page assessment of American foreign policy in Eastern Europe.
1. Ashlee Simpson and Jared Fogle...like...do something, I don't know.
Monday, July 11, 2005
The Juice
Everyone's so afraid of OJ Simpson. I don't get it. He only killed once. It's not like he has a history of killing. His murders weren't particularly brutal. He killed two people one time, it was a crime of passion. Give the guy a break.
In fact, I'd feel very safe around OJ Simpson. He's not killing anyone again. The entire country thinks--knows, really--that he got away with killing two people. You think he's going to be dumb enough to try it again? Of course not. If someone winds up dead within a fifteen mile radius of OJ, he's instantly the number one suspect. Everyone suspects him. He's not going to try it again. He got away with murder once, you think he's going to go for two? No.
If I'm with a stranger, I don't know what I'm going to get. What's to stop him from saying, "you know what? I think today's the day I try to get away with murder." OJ's done that already and he couldn't do it again. His murdering days are behind him. I know what I'm getting with OJ. I feel very safe around OJ.
I tell you who I wouldn't feel safe around. Jesus. Because nobody would ever suspect Jesus. You could walk into a room with one door, no windows, a dead body in one corner and Jesus holding a smoking pistol in another corner and you still wouldn't suspect him.
"Oh my God, Jesus, what happened here?"
"I don't know, man. I don't know. There was this guy--and he just--like, shot this other guy--and then he, like--threw the gun at me and then he ran away."
"But Jesus, I was by the door the whole time, I didn't see anyone run out."
"I know, that's the thing. He went over to the--wall, and found like a secret brick or a secret door or something--and I swear, he just, like, walked through the door. I was looking for the brick cause I was trying to chase after him, but I can't find it. Messed up shit, man. Messed up."
"Wow. Well we have to find this guy."
"I know, you're telling me!"
In fact, I'd feel very safe around OJ Simpson. He's not killing anyone again. The entire country thinks--knows, really--that he got away with killing two people. You think he's going to be dumb enough to try it again? Of course not. If someone winds up dead within a fifteen mile radius of OJ, he's instantly the number one suspect. Everyone suspects him. He's not going to try it again. He got away with murder once, you think he's going to go for two? No.
If I'm with a stranger, I don't know what I'm going to get. What's to stop him from saying, "you know what? I think today's the day I try to get away with murder." OJ's done that already and he couldn't do it again. His murdering days are behind him. I know what I'm getting with OJ. I feel very safe around OJ.
I tell you who I wouldn't feel safe around. Jesus. Because nobody would ever suspect Jesus. You could walk into a room with one door, no windows, a dead body in one corner and Jesus holding a smoking pistol in another corner and you still wouldn't suspect him.
"Oh my God, Jesus, what happened here?"
"I don't know, man. I don't know. There was this guy--and he just--like, shot this other guy--and then he, like--threw the gun at me and then he ran away."
"But Jesus, I was by the door the whole time, I didn't see anyone run out."
"I know, that's the thing. He went over to the--wall, and found like a secret brick or a secret door or something--and I swear, he just, like, walked through the door. I was looking for the brick cause I was trying to chase after him, but I can't find it. Messed up shit, man. Messed up."
"Wow. Well we have to find this guy."
"I know, you're telling me!"
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Best of Balderdash: I'm bad at poker edition
“Terror of Tiny Town”
A tall man, after being ridiculed by mean teenagers, takes out his anger on a neighborhood populated only by superintelligent toddlers.
The Fork
RHS
Rock Holding Strap
The Fork
Frantling
You know those guitars that are like, double guitars?
Me
Dec. 17th, 1969
A lizard crawls into the Queen of England’s mouth
Rioux
Feb 13, 1989
A Russian Communist party official is arrested after being caught wearing Nike Air Jordans.
The Fork
A tall man, after being ridiculed by mean teenagers, takes out his anger on a neighborhood populated only by superintelligent toddlers.
The Fork
RHS
Rock Holding Strap
The Fork
Frantling
You know those guitars that are like, double guitars?
Me
Dec. 17th, 1969
A lizard crawls into the Queen of England’s mouth
Rioux
Feb 13, 1989
A Russian Communist party official is arrested after being caught wearing Nike Air Jordans.
The Fork
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)