Friday, September 30, 2005
Synopsis of my new 326 page spy-thriller "The Knotted Noose" followed by an excerpt from page 323
1. We meet Rainier and Randall, members of supersecret NSA division known as Black Matter Ops (their existence cannot be proven but their force on the world stage is irresistible) who are sent to Syria to investigate Islamist elements taking control of the government
-Introduced to Randall's love interest who fears his career is ruining their relationship
-Rainier worries he is losing his edge
-The Syria Mission (code-named Operation: Steely Condor) is an easy one designed to get the rookie Randall acquainted with BMO missions and to usher the aging Rainier into an early retirement
-Rainier expresses resentment at his superiors for his treatment after years of loyal service
2. Randall and Rainier arrive in Syria
-Randall's love interest stops talking to him, Rainier tries to keep him focused on the mission
-Nothing seems out of the ordinary is taking place in Syria, Randall and Rainier become frustrated and make plans to go home
-Just before they are about to leave, Randall intercepts a communique from the highest levels of Syrian government about a shipment of nuclear weapons from an unnamed Russian satellite state
-Randall sends this information back to Washington who directs them to keep on the trail
-Rainier commits a crucial blunder, exposing Randall and Rainier to danger and they escape the country just in time
3. Back in Washington
-Rainier faces harsh criticism from his boss
-Rainier is only saved from a disgraceful firing by Randall's passionate plea for sympathy
-Randall is upset that Rainier does not seem more grateful that he had put his own young career on the line to save his mentor
-Since they cannot place another plant in Syria, the two spies are relegated to pouring over communication from the Syrian embassy along all communication from the Russian embassy and the embassies of former Soviet states
-Randall discovers a message speaking of a Syrian agent working in a shadowy NSA organization, Rainier says "why didn't I see this first?" and takes the information to his superiors
-Randall becomes frustrated at a seeming lack of action on the part of the higher-ups in the BMO, Rainier assures him that his bosses are concerned and are looking into it but must remain quiet about the situation so as not to arouse suspicion and hope the mole makes a mistake
-Randall tries to break the code himself but fails time and time again. Frustrated, he seeks Rainier for advice but finds him handing documents to the Ukranian ambassador
-Randall begins to distrust Rainier and follows him to the Syrian embassy. Randall stakes him out behind the embassy but Rainier sneaks up on him and puts a gun to his head. Rainier admits he is the double agent and prepares to kill Randall, but he gets away. This starts a citywide chase that ends inside the Pentagon where Rainier corners Randall.
"It's over, Randall," said Rainier, panting. He had to catch his breath and sighed, already relieved it was done. It was really done. He had won. "It's over," he finally summoned the strength to say agin. Sweating and breathing heavily, he cocked the hammer of his gun and raised it to Randall's forehead. He closed his eyes and took a breath -- he thought he might be too exhausted to finish it after all -- but his finger gripped the trigger and then CRASH he was hit by a comet.
It happened that quick. One second Randall was staring at his death down the barrel of a handgun and the next he was sitting in front of a smoldering comet that had crashed through the ceiling and landed directly on Rainier's head. His badge was the only thing that peeked out from underneath the space rock. Randall picked it up and tore it into little pieces.
It was done.
-Introduced to Randall's love interest who fears his career is ruining their relationship
-Rainier worries he is losing his edge
-The Syria Mission (code-named Operation: Steely Condor) is an easy one designed to get the rookie Randall acquainted with BMO missions and to usher the aging Rainier into an early retirement
-Rainier expresses resentment at his superiors for his treatment after years of loyal service
2. Randall and Rainier arrive in Syria
-Randall's love interest stops talking to him, Rainier tries to keep him focused on the mission
-Nothing seems out of the ordinary is taking place in Syria, Randall and Rainier become frustrated and make plans to go home
-Just before they are about to leave, Randall intercepts a communique from the highest levels of Syrian government about a shipment of nuclear weapons from an unnamed Russian satellite state
-Randall sends this information back to Washington who directs them to keep on the trail
-Rainier commits a crucial blunder, exposing Randall and Rainier to danger and they escape the country just in time
3. Back in Washington
-Rainier faces harsh criticism from his boss
-Rainier is only saved from a disgraceful firing by Randall's passionate plea for sympathy
-Randall is upset that Rainier does not seem more grateful that he had put his own young career on the line to save his mentor
-Since they cannot place another plant in Syria, the two spies are relegated to pouring over communication from the Syrian embassy along all communication from the Russian embassy and the embassies of former Soviet states
-Randall discovers a message speaking of a Syrian agent working in a shadowy NSA organization, Rainier says "why didn't I see this first?" and takes the information to his superiors
-Randall becomes frustrated at a seeming lack of action on the part of the higher-ups in the BMO, Rainier assures him that his bosses are concerned and are looking into it but must remain quiet about the situation so as not to arouse suspicion and hope the mole makes a mistake
-Randall tries to break the code himself but fails time and time again. Frustrated, he seeks Rainier for advice but finds him handing documents to the Ukranian ambassador
-Randall begins to distrust Rainier and follows him to the Syrian embassy. Randall stakes him out behind the embassy but Rainier sneaks up on him and puts a gun to his head. Rainier admits he is the double agent and prepares to kill Randall, but he gets away. This starts a citywide chase that ends inside the Pentagon where Rainier corners Randall.
"It's over, Randall," said Rainier, panting. He had to catch his breath and sighed, already relieved it was done. It was really done. He had won. "It's over," he finally summoned the strength to say agin. Sweating and breathing heavily, he cocked the hammer of his gun and raised it to Randall's forehead. He closed his eyes and took a breath -- he thought he might be too exhausted to finish it after all -- but his finger gripped the trigger and then CRASH he was hit by a comet.
It happened that quick. One second Randall was staring at his death down the barrel of a handgun and the next he was sitting in front of a smoldering comet that had crashed through the ceiling and landed directly on Rainier's head. His badge was the only thing that peeked out from underneath the space rock. Randall picked it up and tore it into little pieces.
It was done.
The Letter People
In kindergarten, we were taught to read using the Letter People. The Letter People were 26 balloons, each of which represented a different letter of the alphabet. Each consonant was a man and each vowel a woman and each Letter Person had traits that corresponded to his or her letter (for example, Mr. M had a munching mouth and Mr. B had beautiful buttons). The balloons were hung around the ceiling and stared down at us forbiddingly all day and sometimes it was hard to shake the feeling that one of them would come to life and brutalize us were we ever to get out of line. (I still have nightmares about Mr. T, lifeless eyes rolling around in his head, slowly chomping his gigantic teeth closer and closer until I wake up.)
I don't know if this is the most effective way to teach kids how to read. More often than not, the Letter People only raised more questions than they answered. This was especially true when it was announced that, as part of a lesson to teach us that Q is always followed by a U, Mr. Q and Miss U were to be married. Would Miss U take Mr. Q's name? If so, would words like and blue and queen become blqe and qqeen? Or perhaps she would hyphenate her name and become Mrs. U-Q, which would present all sorts of problems in itself.
It turns out that Miss U was one of those feminist types and did not take Mr. Q's name, but that was not the end of the questions that arose from this odd situation. We understood why Q was marrying U - after all, he never goes anywhere unless she drags him along. But why would Miss U settle down with a born loser like Mr. Q? There were so many options out there for her - it seemed to me that Mr. R always had an eye for her. Was she getting that desperate and frightened of ending up alone that she settled down with the first letter who threw himself at her?
There was no doubt in anyone's mind that Miss U could do better than a pitiful outcast known only for being Quiet. I'm sure Miss U herself knew it; she never looked so scared and hesitant as she did walking down the aisle to her oblivious husband at her wedding, which we celebrated with the entire kindergarten.
But it was quickly evident that little had changed. Miss U continued to gallivant about the English language caring little if at all for who she was seen with. I felt awful for Mr. Q. I imagined that, desperately in love with Miss U, the only way he could get her to agree to marriage was to term it an "open relationship." While Miss U had the time of her life, Mr. Q was of course too timid to do anything but sit at home, hoping that she would eventually fall in love with him and only him. It never happened, of course, and Miss U continued making a fool of her poor faithful husband.
Mr. Q probably took a stand and convinced himself that he was going to go out and have a good time of his own. But he's really nothing more than a social defect. Nobody wants to be put in the uncomfortable position of being seen with Q, the most awkward letter in the alphabet. At least X is fun and unpredictable; Mr. Q really has nothing to recommend him. So he just started sticking himself places where he didn't belong like at the end of Iraq and waited for someone else to come along while I, R and A stood to themselves and tried to figure out why Q had followed them there and why he wouldn't leave when they'd rather be hanging out with Mr. N. And when that didn't work out for him he started proposing unwieldy alternate spellings like one of the hundreds of ways you could write Moammar Gadhafi's name. Miss U probably felt bad for him and tried to cajole her friends into going out with him, but that all ended after Miss A was mortified to find herself stuck next to him at the beginning of Al Qaeda.
A few years later, my elementary school cancelled the Letter People program amid complaints that it was sexist for only having five women versus 21 men. But I think there's probably more to the story than everyone let on. Mr. Q most likely just got tired of it all and leapt off his perch atop the classroom, ending his life. Everyone must have wondered how the quiet guy they'd all known had been able to do this. The only trace he left behind was a note that simply read: "Forget about me." At least that's the way I imagine it.
I don't know if this is the most effective way to teach kids how to read. More often than not, the Letter People only raised more questions than they answered. This was especially true when it was announced that, as part of a lesson to teach us that Q is always followed by a U, Mr. Q and Miss U were to be married. Would Miss U take Mr. Q's name? If so, would words like and blue and queen become blqe and qqeen? Or perhaps she would hyphenate her name and become Mrs. U-Q, which would present all sorts of problems in itself.
It turns out that Miss U was one of those feminist types and did not take Mr. Q's name, but that was not the end of the questions that arose from this odd situation. We understood why Q was marrying U - after all, he never goes anywhere unless she drags him along. But why would Miss U settle down with a born loser like Mr. Q? There were so many options out there for her - it seemed to me that Mr. R always had an eye for her. Was she getting that desperate and frightened of ending up alone that she settled down with the first letter who threw himself at her?
There was no doubt in anyone's mind that Miss U could do better than a pitiful outcast known only for being Quiet. I'm sure Miss U herself knew it; she never looked so scared and hesitant as she did walking down the aisle to her oblivious husband at her wedding, which we celebrated with the entire kindergarten.
But it was quickly evident that little had changed. Miss U continued to gallivant about the English language caring little if at all for who she was seen with. I felt awful for Mr. Q. I imagined that, desperately in love with Miss U, the only way he could get her to agree to marriage was to term it an "open relationship." While Miss U had the time of her life, Mr. Q was of course too timid to do anything but sit at home, hoping that she would eventually fall in love with him and only him. It never happened, of course, and Miss U continued making a fool of her poor faithful husband.
Mr. Q probably took a stand and convinced himself that he was going to go out and have a good time of his own. But he's really nothing more than a social defect. Nobody wants to be put in the uncomfortable position of being seen with Q, the most awkward letter in the alphabet. At least X is fun and unpredictable; Mr. Q really has nothing to recommend him. So he just started sticking himself places where he didn't belong like at the end of Iraq and waited for someone else to come along while I, R and A stood to themselves and tried to figure out why Q had followed them there and why he wouldn't leave when they'd rather be hanging out with Mr. N. And when that didn't work out for him he started proposing unwieldy alternate spellings like one of the hundreds of ways you could write Moammar Gadhafi's name. Miss U probably felt bad for him and tried to cajole her friends into going out with him, but that all ended after Miss A was mortified to find herself stuck next to him at the beginning of Al Qaeda.
A few years later, my elementary school cancelled the Letter People program amid complaints that it was sexist for only having five women versus 21 men. But I think there's probably more to the story than everyone let on. Mr. Q most likely just got tired of it all and leapt off his perch atop the classroom, ending his life. Everyone must have wondered how the quiet guy they'd all known had been able to do this. The only trace he left behind was a note that simply read: "Forget about me." At least that's the way I imagine it.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
The Fork's Away Message Challenge
Change of Plans: I will give a bright shiny 5 dollar bill to anyone who can compose an away message in 30 words or less that hits all the major away message cliches. It must include:I've been thinking about this and it's tough. I don't know if it can be done to be quite honest with you.
1. A paradoxically extroverted statement about how introverted you are
2. A reference to one of your jerkoff friends and what you are doing with them for the next 9 hours
3. It must be happy beyond all belief.
4. It must somehow be the song lyrics from either a shitty rapper or a shitty emo band.
5. It must be superficially profound in a big way.
6. it must be retardedly dramatic so as to arrouse unnecessary sympathy for the writer.
7.it must end in an ellipsis(...)
Sunday, September 25, 2005
More like Titanically awkward, am I right?
Mary and Will saw each other in the pharmacy. It had only been three days and Mary quickly averted her eyes and sped down the greeting card aisle to avoid Will but he was not to be deterred. He stomped after her defiantly.
"Mary. Hello. How are you?"
"Uh--fine. You?"
"How's James?" he asked, cutting straight to the point.
"James?" Mary shuffled nervously.
"Yes, James, you know? The little guy you dumped me for last weekend?"
"He died." Will was stunned like a prizefighter unsuspectingly pounded in the jaw and he was too confused to remain angry.
"He--what?"
"He died." Will suddenly stood up straight and tried to regain his righteous indignation.
"Uh huh. And when did that happen?"
"Um, about three hours after I dumped you."
"Really. Three hours."
"Yes." Mary took a breath and looked at the ground.
"That's rough."
"Thank you."
"So then," Will said, "are you seeing anyone...or what?"
Mary sighed. "No, I suppose not."
"Great!" Will said clapping his hands. "Let's go grab lunch, yeah?" Mary nodded, choking back sobs.
"Mary. Hello. How are you?"
"Uh--fine. You?"
"How's James?" he asked, cutting straight to the point.
"James?" Mary shuffled nervously.
"Yes, James, you know? The little guy you dumped me for last weekend?"
"He died." Will was stunned like a prizefighter unsuspectingly pounded in the jaw and he was too confused to remain angry.
"He--what?"
"He died." Will suddenly stood up straight and tried to regain his righteous indignation.
"Uh huh. And when did that happen?"
"Um, about three hours after I dumped you."
"Really. Three hours."
"Yes." Mary took a breath and looked at the ground.
"That's rough."
"Thank you."
"So then," Will said, "are you seeing anyone...or what?"
Mary sighed. "No, I suppose not."
"Great!" Will said clapping his hands. "Let's go grab lunch, yeah?" Mary nodded, choking back sobs.
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