A semi-incoherent parody of MTV's Made

[Is it supposed to be funny because it transplants an odd situation into a predictable show? Is it lampooning the banalities of the show? Is it doing both? Neither? Is it even possible to lampoon the banalities of the show while simultaneously transplanting an odd situation into it? Is it a complete failure? WHO KNOWS! All I know is I started this three days ago (note I didn’t say I spend three days writing it; give me a little bit of credit) and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to post it on this stupid site. So just shut up about it.
By the way, the following is not the only possible path an episode of Made can follow. There is also the popular kid who needs to prove he or she is more than just a pretty face, but it was enough trouble to get through this one, so don’t hold your breath.]
(shots of kids in front of the school, people pumping gas at Cumberland Farms, standing outside Dunkin’ Donuts, etc.)
This is Burlington, Connecticut. About thirty minutes from Hartford, Burlington is about as sleepy as suburbs get. The most exciting thing to happen to our town of 8,000 in years was the building of a Dunkin’ Donuts next to the gas station in the center of town.
Yeah. It’s kinda dull!
Lewis Mills High School. Serving the towns of Burlington and Harwinton, it’s a pretty nice place to go to school
(shots of band practicing, sports team in gym, kids in cafeteria, drama on stage, etc.)
…Sometimes!
Our school is full of cliques.
(shots of groups of friends talking innocuously, then looking understandably suspicious as they are being filmed by an unfamiliar camera crew which will nevertheless feelings of terror in high schoolers who will automatically be overwhelmed by feelings of exclusion and extreme paranoia whenever they see people other than themselves socializing)
Since the same people have been sticking together since we started at the local elementary school, the cliques can sometimes leave people feeling left out.
(shot of a kid by himself, taking notes at a table alone, then looking up and around the room to see if anyone is willing to be his friend)
That’s me. My name is Jeff and I’m a junior in high school and sometimes I feel left out. Like I don’t have any real place in the school or the social world. Everyone else has their clubs and close friends, but what do I have?
(cut to fat and therefore inadequate and unsatisfactory friend)
FAT FRIEND: Hey, man, are you gonna finish that?
That’s my best friend Murray. We’ve been friends since first grade. We do everything together. Well, almost everything.
(cut to Jeff lying on the grass with a viciously unattractive girl)
That’s my girlfriend Katie. We’ve been going out for almost three weeks and it’s getting pretty serious.
JEFF: So what do you want to do this weekend?
KATIE: I dunno. Watch a movie?
A good friend, a great girlfriend, you might think I have a pretty good life. But I can’t help feeling lost. Like I don’t have an identity. And there’s always one identity I’ve always wanted.
(shots of people on Wall Street, the chaos on the stock market floor, a man in a suit making a phone call, etc.)
I’ve always wanted to be a millionaire investor.
The highs, the lows, the pressure, the money—that’s the life for me. But I don’t know how to get started.
RANDOM KID: I can’t say I know who Jeff is.
RANDOM KID WHO WANTS TO BE ON MTV: Jeff’s a fucking loser. He’s ugly, he breathes through his mouth, I don’t know why anyone would want to be near him, never mind having him in charge of their money.
ANOTHER KID WHO WANTS TO BE ON MTV: He will fail. He doesn’t have what it takes to be an investor, that’s for sure.
I want to prove them all wrong. So MTV, please, I want to be made into an investor.
The next day was another normal day at school, until lunch.
(Jeff pulls a note out of his locker)
JEFF: (reading) Meet me at Ruth’s Chris Steak House tonight at 7:45 PM. Your coach.
I could barely make it though the rest of the day I was so excited to meet my Made coach. At 7:15, I left my house to meet him at the steak house. Unfortunately, I didn’t know where I was going.
(shots of Jeff in his car, fumbling with his directions, realizing he has gone the wrong way, almost getting into an accident, swearing, pulling over and calling for directions, etc.)
Finally, at 8:10, I got to the restaurant.
(Jeff walks into a fancy steakhouse. All of the patrons are wearing jackets and ties while Jeff is only wearing a dirty sweatshirt, ratty jeans and old sneakers)
JEFF: Whoa. This place was pretty ritzy. I didn’t know I was supposed to dress up.
COMPLETELY INSIGNIFICANT MAN AT A BOOTH THAT WILL BE TREATED AS AN EXPERT IN HIS FIELD FOR THE SAKE OF THE EPISODE: Jeff?
Wow. Bob Winslow, giant in the investment world. He’s worth three million dollars and is one of the most powerful men on Wall Street.
BOB: Jeff, over here. Now what are you wearing?
JEFF: Well this is just what I wore to school.
BOB: This is unacceptable. First of all, you’re almost a half an hour late—
JEFF: I’m sorry, I got lost.
BOB: You got lost? Listen, if this was a business appointment, I would have walked out by now and you might have lost out on millions of dollars. And even if I hadn’t left, I certainly wouldn’t stick around for someone who looks as if he just ran a few laps at the gym. Do you understand me?
JEFF: Yes.
BOB: OK, good. Now before you want to be an investor, you have to look like an investor. Right?
JEFF: If you say so.
BOB: All right, let’s go.
Bob took me to Brooks Brothers for some new threads.
(shots of Jeff being dressed in suits and feeling uncomfortable while Bob and the employee tell him he looks great.)
BOB: So what do you like.
JEFF: Nothing.
BOB: Well you have to get something.
JEFF: These clothes aren’t me! OK? I just don’t like them!
(Jeff storms off into a dressing room. Bob rolls his eyes at the camera. Cut to Jeff sobbing in the dressing room. Bob sits next to him.)
BOB: You all right, buddy?
JEFF: Eh.
BOB: Look, I heard you wanted to be an investor. And if that’s not true, then tell me now because I’ve got a lot of other things to do. But if you want to be an investor, then you’re going to have to work with me, OK? Because there are a lot of things I’m going to have you do that are a lot harder than putting on a suit. Now do you want to be an investor?
JEFF: Uh huh.
BOB: OK, then. In six weeks, you’re going to have an interview with a major Wall Street firm. And you’re going to be going up against people with years of experience and college degrees, so you’re going to have to look your best, OK? So we’ve got a lot of work to do. Let’s go, yeah?
Bob convinced me that it was going to take some work to become an investor. And the next day, we got right to work.
BOB: OK. How do you like the suit?
JEFF: It’s all right.
BOB: Yeah. You look good. Well anyway, here’s your first assignment. Tomorrow, I want you to go up to three people in your school whose financial skills you admire and introduce yourselves.
Introduce myself to strangers? Clearly, my Made coach had no idea what it was like to be in high school. Certainly not my high school, where the cliques are simply out of control.
(more shots of kids standing around)
But an assignment was an assignment. So I had to swallow my insecurities and just do it.
(shots of Bob shaking hands with strangers who looked bemused by the spectacle)
To my surprise, they were nice! It’s as if they were actually real humans! Unfortunately, Bob’s assignments were about to get a lot harder.
BOB: OK, here’s what I want you to do. It’s time to do some research. I want five stock tips by tomorrow morning. And I want you to be able to convince me to invest in these companies. Got it?
JEFF: Yeah, I guess so.
But by the time I got home, I found I had a lot of other things to do. Like homework, band practice, and jerking off.
(shots of lazy kid doing nothing)
So the next day, I was a bit worried.
BOB: OK, Jeff, what are your stock tips.
JEFF: Here’s the thing.
BOB: Oh no.
JEFF: Well I was busy last night.
BOB: Busy? Jeff, I thought you wanted this.
JEFF: (hissy fit) I do want this, OK? I just don’t see what the point of your stupid assignments are when I’ve got a lot of other things to do!
BOB: Are you through? (Jeff storms out of the room, sobbing) OK, he walked out.
After that, I knew I had to get into shape. But I had other problems, too.
FAT FRIEND: Jeff, you’ve really changed.
KATIE: Yeah. You never spend time with us anymore. It’s like you think you’re better than us or something.
JEFF: Can’t you see? I am better than you! God. Here’s ten bucks, buy a clue.
My friends and my girlfriend clearly didn’t understand the kinds of sacrifices I had to make for this dream to come true. But I couldn’t worry about that. I had more training.
(uneven and poorly unedited montage of kid struggling with stock picking, then almost instantly becoming much better with no shots of the progress in between)
But as I was becoming a real stockbroker, my world came crashing down around me.
JEFF: (crying) I just heard that my girlfriend was cheating on me. I just feel so used, you know? I mean—God. I’ll tell you this. I’m through with her. Murray too. Not that he did anything, but he’s so fat. I’ve got better friends now.
And I did.
MARGINALLY MORE ATTRACTIVE GIRL: (disinterested) Uh, what was your name again?
That’s Sherry. I’ve had a crush on her since sixth grade. And now, with Bob’s assignment, I had a chance to get close to her.
JEFF: So I need to make a financial presentation to a friend and convince them of my competence. Could you help me?
SHERRY: (realizing that rejecting this dud on the spot would make her look bad on MTV, the only entity whose opinion she values) Uh, I guess so.
Training was going great! Bob was impressed with my progress, I was spending more time with Sherry, and before I knew it, the day of the big interview was here.
(we see a large lobby with marble floors and a grand fountain in the middle of the floor)
This was huge. Suddenly, I was nervous.
BOB: Don’t be nervous, OK? You’re as good as any of them.
CANDIDATE 1: I have a degree in business.
CANDIDATE 2: I got my masters.
CANDIDATE 3: I’ve been in the business for thirty-four years and I just thought it was time for a change.
When it came to the interview, I did the best I could.
JEFF: Well I really like Google.
INTERVIEWER: Yes, everyone likes Google.
(more clips which show that the kid is grossly under qualified for the competition he is in)
Wuh oh! Maybe I wasn’t as prepared as I thought.
BOB: How’d it go?
JEFF: I don’t know. Not so good.
(interviewer steps out of his office as the candidates sit on a couch outside. The interviewer gives the cameraman a nervous look and the camera shakes and the cameraman nods his head)
INTERVIEWER: OK. Uh, before we reveal who we decided to hire, I wanted to give you the—first runner up for the position. Jeff?
(Jeff gasps and hugs his coach as his competition applauds politely and looks at each other skeptically)
BOB: (on the verge of tears) I’m so proud of you. I am so proud of you.
Well I didn’t get a job at a high-powered investment firm. But I sure learned a lot about myself! And since I didn’t get the job, now I have no obligation to do any of the work that I grew such a strong aversion to. Thanks, MTV!