Socialist realism

A few writers are around a table, making their finishing touches on the script.

WRITER 1
So we’re going to cut the greasy Italian joke and the one-legged hypnotist joke, OK?
The writers grumble in reluctant agreement.

WRITER 2
I love that greasy Italian joke.

WRITER 1
I know, but it’s no good. OK, so we’re set, where’s Christian?

CUT TO

CHRISTIAN in the bathroom, staring into the mirror looking terrified.

SPY (V.O.)
(in a thick Russian accent)
Is the earpiece working?

CHRISTIAN
Yes.

SPY (V.O.)
Good.

CHRISTIAN
Look, what do you want with me?

SPY (V.O.)
Never mind! If you ever want to see your wife and your son and your three daughters and your ex-wife and your stepchildren and your niece and nephew again, you’ll do exactly as I say, understand?

CHILD (V.O.)
Please, Uncle Christian! Do what he says!

CHRISTIAN
All right! Just tell me what you want to do.

CUT TO

Back to the writers.

WRITER 3
The sketch isn’t impractical, I’m telling you, I know a guy who keeps iguanas, they’re docile creatures, they’d wear a pair of wings.

WRITERS
Oh, that’s ridiculous! No way, etc.

CHRISTIAN enters, standing stiffly at the door. The writers look up at him.

WRITER 1
Here’s the script Christian.

CHRISTIAN
How—how’s it look?

WRITER 1
It’s looking pretty good.

WRITER 2
It could be better.

WRITER 4
Shut up.

CHRISTIAN takes the script and flips through it, obviously not reading anything.

CHRISTIAN
Uh huh. Uh huh. Well it’s good, but—I think it needs something else.

WRITER 1
What’s that?

CHRISTIAN
Socialist realism.

WRITER 4
Socialist realism?

CHRISTIAN
Yeah. You know, praising the virtue of the proletariat, encouraging spontaneous revolution, honoring to our hero Lenin, stuff like that.

WRITER 2
That doesn’t sound funny.

WRITER 5
Proletariat? Socialist realism? What happened to you, Christian? The Communists haven’t gotten to you, have they?

CHRISTIAN
Uh—

SPY (V.O.)
Kill him.

CHRISTIAN
(whispering)
What?

SPY (V.O.)
You heard me! He is an enemy of the people.

WRITER 5
Christian what’s going o—

CHRISTIAN punches WRITER 5 in the face. Writer 5 drops quickly.

WRITER 5
Ow! Jesus, what was that, man?

CHRISTIAN
Hey! Don’t question my authority, just write it!

CHRISTIAN exits awkwardly.

WRITER 1
So—what are we going to do?

Pause

WRITER 3
How about Lenin and Trotsky sock puppets?

The writers agree enthusiastically.