Honest Abe

CHRISTIAN
Tonight’s a very special show for us here at BU Tonight. This marks our 200th anniversary. Thanks. So to celebrate 200 years of late night comedy, we decided to dip into our vaults and show you one of the clips that we’re most proud of in the history of the show. Here’s a little something from 1862.

CUT TO

CHRISTIAN, with a Civil War moustache, sitting across from ABRAHAM LINCOLN, wearing his trademark stovepipe hat.

CHRISTIAN
The South wants to secede. Why are you fighting so hard to keep the Union together?

LINCOLN
Well, Christian, the strength of both the northern and southern states depends on our staying together. I truly believe that a house divided against itself cannot stand.

CHRISTIAN
Mmm hmm. That’s a nice hat.

LINCOLN
(laughing sheepishly)
Well thank you.

CHRISTIAN
I’ve never seen you without it. It’s kind of your trademark.

LINCOLN
I guess so.

CHRISTIAN
Can I try it on?

LINCOLN
I—I don’t think so.

CHRISTIAN
Why not? Just for a second.

LINCOLN
I said no!

There is a struggle for the hat. Finally, CHRISTIAN pulls off the hat, revealing a second head on top of LINCOLN’s.

CHRISTIAN
Oh my God! There’s another head in there!

HEAD
(panting)
Ah! Aaah! Emancipation!

LINCOLN
Give me that hat!

HEAD
Long live the Confederacy! Jefferson Davis for President!

LINCOLN
(swatting at the head, trying to shut it up)
Quiet! You’ll ruin everything!

HEAD
Robert E. Lee is an American hero! Lincoln’s a queer!

LINCOLN
I am not! Stop!

HEAD
(starting to lean to one side)
I’m tilting. I’m tilting. Help me.

LINCOLN’s body starts to sway along with the head. Lincoln falls over, out of his chair. CHRISTIAN helps him up, balancing the head.

LINCOLN
I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life! As soon as I suspend habeas corpus I’m coming after you, Lynch.

HEAD
Mary Todd’s a Confederate spy!