Photo IDs: An Illustrated History

Today, I am breaking out the ol' scanner and digging through my junk and wallet to bring you an illustrated history of almost every photo ID I have ever received (I think I am missing one or two from high school, but high school is represented). I will judge haircuts, facial expression, visibility and miscellany to come up with an aggregate General Embarrassment Score following each photo ID. So let's start in the eleventh grade.

ID: Eleventh grade, issued by my high school
HAIRCUT: Somewhere in the awkward middle stages between ugly bowl cuts and the mop I sport today, leaning on the side of ugly bowl cut. A strange look, as the hair is thick up top before disappearing an inch short of my eyebrows, a look which is consistent across my entire head. Though no bowl was ever literally used in any haircut I have ever received, this picture could certainly be used to fool some people into believing otherwise.
FACIAL EXPRESSION: A terribly creepy look, as if just below the picture, I am sexually gratifying myself with the severed head of one of my victims. One eyebrow is even curled up in a sinister arch, almost as if I am winking at the person behind the camera. The area around my mouth is outrageously defined as if it were a gaping chasm.
VISIBILITY: Zero. Though IDs were issued for several years in high school, I never used a single one of them at any time. In fact, Ridgeway stole this ID from me and returned it, if I remember correctly, on the day of our graduation. I never had any idea.
MISCELLANY: This picture suggests one of three things. Either I had acne on my nose and on the right side of my face (left side of the picture), I was blasted with a taser shortly before this photo was taken or someone gouged a couple chunks of my skin off with a screwdriver shortly before the picture was taken. I also still have that shirt, though it is much smaller on me now.
GENERAL EMBARRASSMENT SCORE: Would have been much higher had the ID actually ever been used. As it is, it sits at a relatively low 30%.

ID: Driver's license, issued by the state of Connecticut, Oct. 2002.
HAIRCUT: Starting to make some progress. It sticks out on one side as if there is a fan blowing my hair seductively by my left ear. Though it might just look messy with a close-up shot like this one, from a distance, it looks dreamy, especially since it is such a small picture. Quite possibly the best my hair has ever looked in any photograph ever taken of me.
FACIAL EXPRESSION: Also adds to the dreamy nature of the picture, especially from a distance. I seem to be looking straight through the photographer into the distance with a vague smile on my face. Upon closer inspection, however, my eyes look as if they are not level and my face looks freakishly flat. My nose also seems to have only one consistent width. Overall, though, this is again a relatively flattering picture.
VISIBILITY: Well, it's my driver's license. Though I have not yet been pulled over to date, who would ever give a ticket to such a stud? Also, since I have to carry it everywhere, I have plenty of opportunities to show it off, even in unwarranted or unnatural situations.
MISCELLANY: It almost looks like the same shirt seen above in my eleventh grade ID photo, but I don't think it is. The top half of my horrendous and ever-evolving signature can be seen below. My head is also at a strange angle, as if I were sitting on a tack, but I think that's just a result of the way people tell you to look at cameras for photo ID pictures because a lot of mine seem to look like that.
GENERAL EMBARRASSMENT RATING: Are you kidding me? I'm a hunk. 0%.

ID: Student ID, issued by Boston University.
HAIRCUT: A disaster. Horrible on such a level that it almost makes me consider a nice military-issue buzz cut. In my defense, I knew I needed a haircut at the time and it was also extremely rainy that day which made my hair annoyingly frizzy and soggy, but there is still no excuse. It's clear I never should have let it get to that point. Less like a head of hair than a lampshade. Clearly the bangs would have hung over my eyes, necessitating the awkward part over my right eye. That curl thing that seems to be growing out of my eyebrow is an abomination.
FACIAL EXPRESSION: Mildly disgusted, as if I were seeing my picture in a monitor (I don't remember if this was the case). I also look like I have a brain condition of some kind and, though I had been in the room for a while, was still trying to process everything. In certain lights, it looks as if my mouth was open and I had nothing but gums in there. Of course, none of this is really relevant as the hair distracts from everything else.
VISIBILITY: A nightmare. I need to take this card everywhere. To eat at the dining hall, to buy things at the convenience store, to get into my dorm. It follows me everywhere. I have considered "losing" it so I would be issued another and would get another crack at the ID picture, but I've already lived through three years, so what's another two semesters. It is also disheartening that no one has ever squinted at it, asking "Is this you?" It seems no one ever has trouble identifying me, which suggests I still look like that.
MISCELLANY: What else is there to say. I ask any of you to think of the worst picture ever taken of you. Find that picture. Then, carry it around in your wallet for four years, showing it to friends and strangers alike, dozens of times a day. This is my life.
GENERAL EMBARRASSMENT SCORE: 100%.

ID: Work ID, issued by Lake Compounce.
HAIRCUT: This picture was taken the day before a radical haircut took a couple inches off. Though not great, it is obvious I have learned much from my college ID debacle and have since learned to schedule haircuts promptly before things get out of control. Endearingly sloppy, though the forehead over my right eye exposed as if through a sheer curtain is strange. Not bad, considering this was as long as my hair would get.
FACIAL EXPRESSION: A nice normal smile. Heroic, even, considering I had been sitting in the lobby waiting for my turn for about an hour, something for which I was completely unprepared. A bit distracted, but not to the degree that one would notice it with just a quick glance.
VISIBILITY: To be worn at all times while working and also needed to pick up paychecks, any other Lake Compounce outings, etc. It is a bit disconcerting to have a picture of yourself hanging off your collar but, as we have all seen above, there are worse pictures.
MISCELLANY: This was the second chance as I closed my eyes for the first picture. There was a lot of pressure to get it right because I was the next to last person in line and everyone wanted to get the hell out of that little room since it was already past six and the place was supposed to close at five.
GENERAL EMBARRASSMENT SCORE: We'll see what I think of this haircut in a couple years, but for now, a modest 10%.