Dear children of America

CHRISTIAN
We’ll be right back with our guest, but first, we have a public service announcement.

ADVERTISER
Thank you, Christian. Dear children of America. Santa Claus is not real. The workshop at the North Pole, the flying sled, the elves—all made up. Your parents are lying to you. Go ask them about it.

CHRISTIAN
Hey! What’s wrong with you? You can’t say that! You’re ruining Christmas for kids everywhere.

ADVERTISER
Au contraire, Christian. I paid for the airtime, I can say what I want. Observe. Dear history professors of America. This week, BU Tonight host Christian Lynch was heard referring to your esteemed department as “full of nerds and queers.”

CHRISTIAN
Come on now, that’s not even true.

ADVERTISER
Dear Ukrainians of America. The dishes are broken. The vegetables must be transported elsewhere.

CHRISTIAN
That doesn’t even make sense. Are you speaking in code?

ADVERTISER
That’s for the Ukrainians to decide.

CHRISTIAN
Look, this is absurd. We’re going to commercial. We’ll be right back.

CUT TO

ADVERTISER sitting motionless on his bench.

CHRISTIAN
Go to commercial. (pause) Hello?

ADVERTISER
Dear Civil War enthusiasts of America. Stonewall Jackson was ugly.

CHRISTIAN
What does that—

ADVERTISER
Dear audiences of America. We’ll be right back.