Impressive guests

CHRISTIAN prepares for the show alone in a hallway. DEAN ELMORE approaches.

DEAN ELMORE
Oh. Hello—Christian is it?

CHRISTIAN
Oh, yes! Dean Elmore, good to see you, how are you doing?

DEAN ELMORE
Oh, you know. OK, I guess.

CHRISTIAN
Oh that’s good. What have you been up to?

DEAN ELMORE
I was just watching some of your episodes from season three.

CHRISTIAN
Oh yeah?

DEAN ELMORE
(with a touch of resentment)
Impressive guests! Pauly Shore, Randy from the Real World, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin—

CHRISTIAN
Well, we never had Steve Austin bu—

DEAN ELMORE
(increasingly hostile)
Oh no? Who then? Joan Rivers? Elton John? Stevie Wonder?

CHRISTIAN
No, we never had any of those people. Why do you—

DEAN ELMORE
Well you must have had some amazing guests if you didn’t have time to invite me back!

CHRISTIAN
Oh. Well you were great the first two times you were here, but—

DEAN ELMORE
But what?

CHRISTIAN
Well, I don’t know.

DEAN ELMORE
I just happen to have an episode guide right here. You’re telling me you couldn’t have squeezed me in anywhere here?

CHRISTIAN
Well—

DEAN ELMORE
“Comedian Bobby Turbovsky?” Who the hell is that?

CHRISTIAN
Dean Elmore, really—

DEAN ELMORE
You’re telling me I don’t have the star power of “comedian Bobby Turbovsky?” You think I can’t do comedy? Listen to this! What’s the deal with pajamas? Are—

CHRISTIAN
Look, Dean Elmore, I’m sorry—

DEAN ELMORE
(grabbing CHRISTIAN by the collar)
All right, listen you little punk. There are gonna be some changes around here. First of all, it’s not BU Tonight with Christian Lynch anymore. It’s Dean Elmore Tonight, with Dean Elmore and the Dean Elmore Dancers. And another thing—

CHRISTIAN
Please. I don’t have any power here. I’m only the host because I’m the only one here with a suit.

ELMORE slaps CHRISTIAN across the face.

DEAN ELMORE
Did I tell you to talk, worm?

VOICE OF BROWN
Is there a problem, Dean Elmore?

The camera pans and we see PRESIDENT ROBERT BROWN for the first time.

DEAN ELMORE
(suddenly frightened, bowing subserviently)
Oh. No! No, sir, no problem at all! This young student and I were just having a little discussion about—the dining hall! Isn’t that right, Mr. Lynch!

BROWN
(cracking his knuckles)
Listen to me, Elmore. If there’s one more problem out of you, we might have to get together for another round of the Pain Game. Understand me?

ELMORE
(shaking)
No. Oh, no. Please, President Brown. There won’t be anymore problems. Honest!

BROWN
That’s what I thought. And you. Curly.

CHRISTIAN
Me?

BROWN
Yes. Get me a glass of water.

CHRISTIAN
What?

PRESIDENT BROWN points with emphasis and a malevolent scowl on his face. CHRISTIAN sprints away.

CHRISTIAN
(while running away)
Water! Water! The man needs water!

BROWN smiles. He glares at ELMORE, who slinks away. BROWN starts laughing to himself.

BROWN
It’s good to be King. (correcting himself) Ah, President. President. That’s right. You’re not King yet, Robby. Not. Yet.