Christian's Skydiving Adventure

CHRISTIAN
All right, everyone, we’re back. Tonight, as you can tell, we have a very special segment, this is Christian’s Skydiving Adventure. I’m here with Brian Young, he’ll be my instructor for the day. All right, Brian, tell me, just how dangerous is this?

BRIAN
Don’t worry about that, Christian. As long as you do what we tell you and take this seriously, you’ll be fine.

CHRISTIAN is not listening. He grabs a suit and starts pulling things.

CHRISTIAN
What’s this do?

BRIAN
It keeps your heart beating.

CHRISTIAN puts it in his mouth.

BRIAN (continued)
You really shouldn’t do that. It’s dangerous.

CHRISTIAN
Danger? I laugh at danger. I’m young and invincible! I’m gonna live forever! Yeah! Yeah! Ah hahaha! Ah ha—

CUT TO

A grim NEWSCASTER in a studio.

NEWSCASTER
We interrupt this prerecorded program to bring you a live update with some tragic news. Christian Lynch, host of BU Tonight, has died. We’ll give you more details as they come in. Back to the program.

CUT TO

CHRISTIAN holding a helmet in front of the camera, knocking on it annoyingly.

CHRISTIAN
Look. Look, it’s the Roethlisberger. The Roethlisberger, am I right Brian?

BRIAN
That joke doesn’t make sense.

CHRISTIAN rolls his eyes at the camera and makes a mildly obscene gesture.

CUT TO

The NEWSCASTER.

NEWSCASTER
We interrupt again, we’re receiving more news on the Christian Lynch tragedy. Preliminary reports say he died in a skydiving accident. Though investigators warn against coming to any premature conclusions, they are currently examining the possibility that Christian was given a faulty parachute. More news as it comes in. Back to the program.

CUT TO

CHRISTIAN’S skydiving adventure. CHRISTIAN is now wearing a parachute like a sheet over his entire body and waving his arms like a ghost.

CHRISTIAN
Look at me! I’m a ghost!

BRIAN
You really shouldn’t be tearing that.

CUT TO

BRIAN handing CHRISTIAN a legal document.

BRIAN
All right, we just need you to sign this hold harmless form, stating you know the risks—

CHRISTIAN (taking the form)
Well I can’t sign my name. But is it all right if my friend “Bill Butt” signs it?

CHRISTIAN proudly displays his handiwork to the camera.

CUT TO

Another news update.

NEWSCASTER
More information on the Christian Lynch tragedy. At the time of his jump, weather stations reported wind gusts of 40 miles per hour, considered wildly unsafe by skydivers. It is unclear why Lynch was allowed to jump. More info as it comes in.

CUT TO

BRIAN and an ASSOCIATE at a computer. CHRISTIAN enters with his parachute hanging out of his bag, a cigarette dangling out of his mouth.

CHRISTIAN
Hey Maverick, let’s get this plane off the ground before nightfall.

BRIAN
We’ve got a wind advisory, we might have to close for a while.

CHRISTIAN
Oh. What are you. Chicken?

CHRISTIAN begins clucking and acting like a chicken. He walks up to BRIAN and starts pecking his face.

BRIAN (to ASSOCIATE)
He signed the form. If he dies he dies.

CUT TO

Newscaster.

NEWSCASTER
One final update in the Christian Lynch tragedy. His family is telling the press that if he ever died on tape, he requested that the footage be destroyed, and that BU Tonight run clips of Robert Turbovsky wearing a dress instead. So without further ado, Turbo in a dress. We’ll miss you Christian.

CUT TO

TURBOVSKY in a dress. A sentimental love song plays softly in the background. Fade to white.