So you've been tied to some train tracks

OK. So you've been abducted by a sinister man with a handlebar moustache and tied to a desolate stretch of train tracks. You can get out of this situation. The most important thing to remember is that you must remain calm. You're going to need to summon all of your intelligence and judgment if you're going to get out of the way of that speeding train, and it won't do a bit of good if you're too hysterical to help yourself. But you can be freed, and more importantly, you can free yourself.

First of all, it is important that you do not assume that you are going to be rescued. If your disappearance has been reported and if your villain was spotted leaving the train tracks, then it is likely that there are indeed mounties on their way to untie you just in the nick of time. But if the villain has gotten away undetected and your screams cannot reach a solitary mountain man in his log cabin who hasn't ventured into civilization for years but who is still intelligent enough to know right from wrong and tell when a person needs help, then you must rescue yourself. This is important to remember.

Try rolling. It sounds silly, but almost 60% of all such incidents are resolved immediately because the dastardly scoundrel has simply forgotten to secure your ropes to the tracks. If this is the case, then roll off the tracks immediately and then try to make your way to safety. It is important, however, to wait until the villain is out of sight and a safe distance away before you try this lest he realize his mistake and fasten you completely.

If you are indeed secured to the tracks and you cannot escape by simply rolling away, then it's time to try something else. To the extent that your hands can move, feel around yourself on the ground. Is there anything sharp on the ground--like a stone or a discarded pocketknife--that can be used to cut away at the ropes? Can you reach something in your pocket--say a clipper or a file--to wield? Are there any small animals who against whom you might deploy your feminine wiles to convince to gnaw through the twine?

You might hear the train bearing down on you at any moment or you might be waiting for hours--such is the unique psychological torture of being tied to train tracks. This pressure is something you're going to have to get past if you are going to get free.

Next, try to create a signal so any plane flying overhead can see you are in danger. Your breezy pastel summer dress and your blonde Germanic hair will probably not be spotted from high above. You are going to need bolder, more visible colors. If possible, try cutting yourself. Let the blood spread. This will get someone's attention, even if they believe they are only clearing a corpse off the tracks, and you can get help that way.

If the train does start approaching, there is only one thing left to do: try to wriggle free of the ropes. Shimmy your body back and forth to loosen the ropes and slide out if possible. Don't give up just because it looks like it's hopeless. Remember, evildoers never triumph. Even under the unfortunate circumstance that you are crushed by a train, it will only be a temporary victory and he will surely lose the war against the forces of good. In your last moments, know that your death is noble one that will ensure the safety of other fair maidens when your particular knave is brought to justice. Good luck freeing yourself from your unenviable position and keep reaching for the sun!