You Can't Do This, Act I

An outdoor café in Hartford on a warm spring day. It is a warm space that would be bustling in most other cities, but this is Hartford, so it is empty. There are a few small tables with two chairs on either side of each. Two policemen enter, having an animated conversation, speaking loudly.

JIM: He’s a bum.
WILSON: Come on, lay off him.
JIM: How am I supposed to lay off? Every time he goes out there, it’s a loss. This division is stacked, we can’t afford a loss every five days.
WILSON: He’s still young, you’ve got to give him time.
JIM: How much time am I supposed to give him? How many losses does he have to rack up before I can give up on him?
WILSON: Oh come on.
JIM: His ERA is almost nine! You can’t be a starter in this league with an ERA over eight.
WILSON: It’s May! Stats mean next to nothing in May. Besides, we just called him up last year, and you want to give up on him. Obviously he’s not there yet, but he’s been our top prospect for years now, you don’t just give up on those guys.
JIM: Yeah? Why not.
WILSON: Obviously he’s not cut out to be a starter yet, so you look for another option, stick him in relief for a while until he finds his confidence.
JIM: Look, I’m not saying cut him. But if you can get something for him from one of these small-market teams. Like a real superstar for him and a couple of prospects.
WILSON: Well what the hell is the use of having a minor league system if you’re just gonna trade them all away?
JIM: So you can trade them away for guys who will help you now! He sucks.
WILSON: Oh, just lay off the kid.
JIM: Yeah, yeah.
WILSON: Look, I’m gonna go get a paper, you want anything?
JIM: Nah, I’m fine.
WILSON: All right.

WILSON exits. JIM paces back and forth absent-mindedly for a few seconds. He starts to whistle an indeterminable tune, then stops. A young couple enters, giggling and hanging all over each other affectionately.

DAVID: You don’t know where you’re going.
JOANNA: Oh, I never said I knew where we were going. I’ve just been consistently adamant that you have had no idea where you were going. At any point.
DAVID: You told me to take a right back when I said we should have kept going. Is that not correct?
JOANNA: Well yeah, but I was just having a little fun.
DAVID: Oh, OK, I see. I’m glad you’re having fun. I hope you’re having a lot of fun.
JOANNA: I am, thank you.

JOANNA and DAVID notice JIM, who has been staring at them without thinking, for the first time. They suddenly stop talking and laughing. JIM smiles at them, embarrassed, in a show of apology. He turns around and resumes his pacing.

DAVID: [loudly, in an insincerely jovial voice] Good morning, Officer!
JIM: Oh, uh, good morning, sir. How are you two doing?
DAVID: Beautiful morning, isn’t it?
JIM: Yes. Yes it is.
DAVID: [gesturing towards JOANNA] How about this little number, huh? Hot one, eh?
JOANNA: David!
JIM: [a bit ominously] What do you mean asking me that.
DAVID: [laughing; the game is over] Nothing. Sorry, Officer. Just having a bit of fun.

[As DAVID speaks, WILSON enters. He immediately senses that something strange is happening and stands just in front of JIM defensively. JOANNA is still smiling, but she looks a little worried.]

JIM: Well I don’t know why you’re picking on me.
WILSON: What’s going on here?
JIM: Nothing, Wilson. Nothing.
DAVID: Look, Officer. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it.
JIM: Yeah. [short pause] Yeah. All right.

[DAVID and JOANNA sit down, consulting a map. They laugh secretly. JIM glares at them. WILSON looks between JIM and DAVID and JOANNA, trying to figure out what’s going on. Seeing JIM staring at them, they pretend to consult the map all the more resolutely, which only makes them laugh harder.]

JIM: [under his breath] They’re laughing at me.
WILSON: What happened?
JIM: This guy, thinks he’s some kind of jokester.
WILSON: Just calm down, Jim, just calm down.
JIM: Who does this asshole think he is?
WILSON: Look. Just calm down, all right? Look what I bought.

WILSON hands JIM a book.

JIM: “101 Real-Life Crazy Laws.”
WILSON: I thought it would be good for a laugh.

JIM loosens up. He looks at WILSON with a grin across his face.

JIM: All right, let’s see what we’ve got here.
WILSON: OK, read them.
JIM: “In Providence, it is against the law to sell a toothbrush and toothpaste to the same person.” [dismissively] Oh, come on, no way that’s real.
WILSON: Of course it is! Look at the cover. “Every law inside is absolutely positively real.”
JIM: Well sure, that’s what the book says.
WILSON: C’mon, read another one already.
JIM: All right. Well it says here “there’s a law on the books in Natoma, Kansas that prohibits throwing knives at men in striped suits.” Heh, that’s a pretty good one.
WILSON: How do you think that got passed? You think it was just a bunch of politician guys messing around?
JIM: Yeah. Like I think you can add something to the end of a bill that’s going to become law. Maybe it’s just that kinda thing.
WILSON: Something like that, I don’t know. Read more.
JIM: Oh, wait a minute. Here’s Hartford. “In Hartford, it is illegal to kiss your wife on a Sunday.”
WILSON: No kidding?
JIM: Yeah, it says it right here.
WILSON: Well how about that. I don’t remember them teaching that one when they were training us.
DAVID: [walking up to JIM and WILSON] Excuse me?
JIM: [a bit wary] Yeah?
DAVID: Yeah, could you tell us how to get to the bus station on Asylum?
WILSON: Yeah, are you driving? Because you could actually walk there from here.
DAVID: We don’t have a car so I guess we’ll be walking.

JOANNA chuckles at something, presumably in the newspaper she has picked up. WILSON doesn’t notice but JIM can’t help but be suspicious.

WILSON: OK, you’re going walk down Capitol Ave, right here, take a left onto Main, OK? Then you follow that for a few blocks, you’ll pass Central Row on your right, and Asylum Street will be just a little after that on your left. So turn down there and just keep walking down Asylum and you can’t miss it.
DAVID: OK, thanks. Did you get that, honey?
JOANNA: What?
DAVID: I said did you get that?
JOANNA: [laughing] I didn’t know you wanted me to write it down.
DAVID: Of course I wanted you to write it down.
JOANNA: Why should we have to write it down? It’s just a few blocks away, right?
WILSON: Yeah, I don’t think it’s that complicated, honestly. I’m sure you’ll find it.
DAVID: OK, well I wasn’t really listening so do you mind repeating yourself for me?
JIM: [unable to keep quiet any longer] And just who the hell do you think you are?
DAVID: [laughing] I’m sorry?
JIM: Yeah, keep laughing. That’s your M.O., isn’t it?
DAVID: My “M.O.?” I’m sorry, am I being accused of a crime?
WILSON: [jumping in to keep the peace] Jim! Look, it’s fine, OK? All right, sir, are you ready this time?
DAVID: Yes, sorry, I’ll listen this time.
WILSON: OK. [as WILSON repeats his directions, DAVID exaggerates listening carefully. This does not bother WILSON, if he even notices, but it angers JIM even more.] What you do. You’re on Capitol Ave right now, you’re gonna follow that until it ends at Main Street—right there. Take a left, just follow Main until you get to Asylum, which will be on your left. Then just take that to the bus station, which will also be on your left.
DAVID: OK, gotcha. Thank you, Officers.
JIM: [under his breath, though clearly meant to be heard by everyone] Unbelievable.
DAVID: Pardon?
WILSON: He didn’t say anything. Just have a nice day.
DAVID: Thank you. Let’s go, hon.

JOANNA gets up and she and DAVID kiss. They start collecting their things and the newspaper in preparation for leaving.

WILSON: Could I ask where you two are headed? Or are you meeting someone?
DAVID: Yeah, we’re leaving. We were visiting family down here.
JOANNA: The in-laws. Awful.
DAVID: Oh stop it, you enjoyed yourself. Anyway, we’re heading back up to Boston this afternoon. To be honest, we couldn’t get out of this putrid city and this dull state fast enough.
JIM: [offended, if only because this criticism is coming from DAVID] And just what is wrong with Hartford? Or Connecticut for that matter?
DAVID: Look, it’s just not our style. I’m sorry.
JIM: Well if you don’t like it, then you can get the hell out and I don’t think any of us will be missing you. Piss off.
WILSON: Jim, come on, calm down.
DAVID: No, Officer, it’s all right. I’m sorry, I didn’t know we were talking with the town welcoming committee, I would have watched my words.
JIM: I don’t need your sarcasm.
DAVID: All right. Look, Jim? Is that your name?
JIM: You can call me Officer Vergadula, thank you very much.
DAVID: [amused more than anything] All right then, Officer Vergadula. Did I do something to offend you? Why do you keep lashing out at me? What exactly is your problem? That’s what I want to know. What is your problem?
JOANNA: [no longer amused] OK, David. That’s enough. We know where we’re going, let’s just get out of here.
DAVID: No, no. I want to hear his answer.
JIM: My problem is people like you. People who think you’re better than other people—I don’t know why. Maybe you have a lot of money, or maybe your grew up in Boston and think that makes you some kind of special guy like a Kennedy or something—like your city is more important than ours. Laughing at a guy like me, who did nothing to you—

It is clear that JIM could go on for hours, making less sense as he goes along. WILSON decides to cut him off.

WILSON: OK, Jim, that’s enough.
DAVID: [laughing openly] No. Hey, let the man speak if he wants to speak.
JOANNA: David, please. That’s more than enough.
JIM: No. I’m through talking to you, you pathetic little worm.
DAVID: Oh ho ho! He played the “I don’t wanna talk to you no more” card! That really trumps everything. Boy, you’ve really beat me, yes you have.
JIM: Get out of my city, worm!
DAVID: My pleasure! Let’s go, honey.

DAVID and JOANNA start to exit. JOANNA seems to want to apologize for her husband’s behavior, but doesn’t. DAVID walks out proudly. But they don’t quite make it all the way. JIM is fuming, and seeing DAVID walk out with his chin up makes him feel like he has lost. He calls out to them in desperation, not knowing what he will do, but hoping for another shot at it anyway.

JIM: Wait!
DAVID: [turning around with great pleasure] Something more, Officer?
JIM: [he figures it out, and then is triumphant] Yes, as a matter of fact there is. The two of you? You’re under arrest.
DAVID: And what are the charges? Irritating an officer with a short fuse? Disliking the state of Connecticut.
JIM: Oh no, it’s much more serious than that. This your wife here?
DAVID: [suddenly angry and defensive] Yes she is, and what the hell does that have to do with it?
JIM: Don’t you swear at me. You’re under arrest. It is against the law to kiss your spouse on a Sunday in Hartford.
DAVID: [laughing again] Oh. Right. Of course. Hey, how about this, we’re just going to get out of here, so nice meeting the two of you.
JIM: [pulling his gun as DAVID starts walking away] Freeze! I said you two are under arrest!
WILSON: Holy God, Jim, put the gun away!

DAVID puts his hands up and doesn’t move. JOANNA does the same a second after him, in shock.

DAVID: Jesus Christ, are you out of your fucking mind?
JIM: Don’t you swear at me, boy. It is forbidden in the state of Connecticut to kiss your spouse on a Sunday in public. And that’s exactly what you did. And it is my job to enforce the law. Every law.
WILSON: [reluctant to embarrass his partner] Jim, be reasonable! We can’t arrest these people! They’ve done nothing wrong.
JIM: They’ve broken the law, Wilson.
WILSON: Have they? And even if they have, it’s only a law that’s broken millions of times a day.
JIM: I was under the impression that we are police officers, and that it is our job to enforce the law. And every law, no matter what we think of them. Is this not true?
WILSON: [genuinely angry now] This is absurd, Jim! You’re not enforcing the law because you believe it’s right. You’re just enforcing it because it’s a convenient way to get back at this guy who you seem to think embarrassed you!
JIM: Do not question my motives, Wilson. I thought you had known me long enough to know—
WILSON: I’m not questioning your motives! But look what you’re doing! You’re holding these people at gunpoint for God’s sake!
DAVID: Yes, thank you, please talk some sense into this nut.
JIM: Shut up! No one asked you to talk, you are a suspect in a crime!
WILSON: [annoyed, to DAVID] You’re really not helping your case. I suggest you just keep quiet.
DAVID: My case! Ha! Case, he says, like you aren’t just a couple of quasi-fascist nuts who need to be stripped of your badges. As if I’ve committed a crime.
JOANNA: David, please? I’m a little scared right now.
DAVID: There’s nothing to be scared of, honey. The nut is going to put away his gun and we’re going to leave them behind.

JIM springs into action. He grabs DAVID by the back of his shirt and throws him onto one of the tables. He grabs his wrists and handcuffs his hands behind his back. WILSON and JOANNA are astonished.

JIM: Wilson, this is a crime scene, as far as I’m concerned, and these two are suspects. Now do your job and arrest this woman.

JOANNA is shocked and looks as if she is personally hurt by this. WILSON looks at JIM with his mouth open and shrugs, unsure of what else he could possibly do. He walks up to JOANNA, who looks only more shocked.

WILSON: I’m sorry.
JIM: Don’t apologize, Wilson.
WILSON: Could you please turn around and put your hands behind your back?

JOANNA looks at DAVID, still pinned onto the table, unable to move. He is furious. JOANNA is suddenly strong. She stands resolutely in front of WILSON and refuses to follow his orders.

JOANNA: If you’re going to arrest me, you’re going to have to do it yourself.
DAVID: Damn right!

WILSON swallows. He does not want to look at JIM, who is staring him down. So he walks over to JOANNA, spins her around, and handcuffs her as well.

WILSON: I’m sorry.
JIM: You have absolutely no reason to apologize. No reason whatsoever.
JOANNA: [a little shocked her gesture didn’t bring the officers to their senses] You can’t do this.
WILSON: I really am sorry.