SAT
I can scarcely believe it. I'm afraid to even write it because I worry if I do then it will all disappear and reveal itself to be nothing more than a beautiful dream, but it's really true. My shrink ray is almost complete! Years and years of toil and research have finally paid off and tomorrow I will test the wonderful device for the first time.
I woke up this morning realizing that I was on the precipice of greatness. There will probably be jokes at first; I'm sure the late night talk shows will have a field day with my passing resemblance to Rick Moranis, but none of that matters. I'll have to remember to just smile and take it all in stride; my magnanimous nature will only hasten my rise to the level of scientific Greatness.
Only a few more adjustments early tomorrow morning, and then it's finished. I must remember to go to RadioShack in the morning to buy a camera with a timer to record the event, and I should run into Shaw's while I'm there and pick up some napkins.
SUN
I could barely sleep, so great was my anticipation. When the sun rose, I leapt out of bed and tore downstairs into the laboratory. I put the finishing touches on the great machine and I was finished! I had built a shrink ray!
The first task was to make sure that it worked. I grabbed the first thing on hand--the napkins I bought yesterday--and placed them under the shrinking device. I paused and took a breath so I would remember the moment and I activated the machine. And the napkins were shrunk! (shrank?) An unmitigated success! The napkins were now one fortieth of their original size, which makes them almost impossible to use as napkins, but I did not let this ultimately irrelevant fact get me down.
The next task was to test the shrink ray's effect on biological organisms. I grabbed the first living thing at hand, my cat Plinko, and placed him under the device. He was shrunk as well, just as the napkins were! Alive and well with no discernible detrimental effects of any kind (beside the tininess)! I danced with joy. I have begun compiling all the most important information about the machine which I will send off to scientific journals within the week. I must remember to buy more napkins.
MON
I slept in today, because I was not awoken as I normally am by Plinko's sandpappery tongue on my cheek. He is still shrunk, of course, which made me very sad. I wish now I hadn't gotten caught up in my excitement and had instead shrunk something like a plant or horsefly. When I have sold the patent for my shrink ray and all that is taken care of, I must remember to invent either a growth ray or some high-protein cat food.
TUES
I am becoming increasingly disenchanted with my shrink ray. I was due to meet some reporters for lunch downtown, after which I would bring them back to my house for some pictures, so I was tidying up my laboratory when I thoughtlessly tossed my keys underneath the ray and I think I accidentally shrunk them. It's hard to know for sure; forty times smaller, they're basically invisible. At one point I picked them (or some other very tiny object) up and placed them carefully in my pocket, but they later fell out, which leads me to believe they slipped either between the cushions of my sofa or through a pore in my skin and are currently circulating through my blood stream.
After the dispiriting losses of my cat, keys and my Dark Shadows VHS set, I decided to make a list of shrink ray pros and cons, which I will reproduce here.
PROS:
a) shrink luggage to save room on airplanes
b) shrink and domesticate dangerous animals
c) shrink (evil) people--more humane than capital punishment
d) solve world hunger (?), smaller people are easier to feed
CONS:
a) accidental shrinking (napkins, keys, etc.)
b) an evil person might shrink innocents
c) really hard (impossible?) to unshrink things
d) things that are shrunk smell like sulfur
e) a pervert could shrink himself and walk up women's skirts
At this moment, the CONS outweigh the PROS. I need to do a lot of thinking about whether the world is truly ready for my breakthrough.
WED
I shrunk my fucking toothbrush. Wonderful. My mouth smells of rotted fruit and I can't brush my teeth because I only had one toothbrush and I can't drive to the store to get a new one because I shrunk my fucking keys. And I can't send my elderly cleaning woman Melanie out to get a new toothbrush for me because I accidentally shrunk her three hours ago and I think I may have vacuumed her up when I was cleaning up the tiny mess made when my tiny cleaning woman slashed my tiny pillow and spread hundreds of tiny feathers all over my regular sized floor. I hate this stupid fucking shrink ray.
THURS
I've sadly decided to abandon my shrink ray. It was a difficult decision, but I feel I had no other choice. I ripped it apart this afternoon to make sure its components aren't reassembled by someone who is not equipped to handle it. Tomorrow, I will begin work on a more practical invention. Maybe a bifocal windshield for my car so I can drive without my glasses, which I shrunk.
Speaking of, there's a little bit of good news: I found my keys! I hadn't shrunk them at all; they were in my shirt pocket! Isn't that always the way?
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