Letters of Mary, mother of Jesus, written to her sons

Joses,
I got your letter. I'm sorry to hear you're not enjoying college. Before you even mention it, no, you may not drop out. Your father and I have worked too hard to get you into that place, you're not about to ruin it now. Don't give me the "it's too hard" malarkey. If your brother Jesus can raise a man from the dead, surely you can earn your Bachelor's in Hospitality. Also, regarding your request that we send money, I am going to have to say no. Get a job if you need some extra money. I know you think you're too good to work a minimum wage job like everyone else, but you're wrong. Maybe if you start showing some responsibility, your father and I wouldn't be so quick to reject you. It's not my problem you have to eat out at all kinds of fancy restaurants all the time. Your brother Jesus fed five thousand people with five loaves of bread and a few fish and the rest of the bunch can't make themselves a damn sandwich. I know you've heard that one many times before but it's true. Study hard and prove us wrong.

Simon,
Congratulations on your gold medal! You were definitely one of the best waterskiers there, and I'm not just saying that! I always knew you loved the water. You always used to splash around when you were in the bath. I'm sorry I didn't get to see you right after the competition, but you were so swarmed with other people you didn't seem to have time for you mother. I understand. You have a lot of friends now. That happens where you're as good at something as you are. I was impressed. I remember when your brother Jesus did that only without the boat and without the skis, but your show was good too. In a different way, but still good. I'm sure all the other waterskiers were very impressed. We're very proud!

Jesus,
How are you, my dear? It's been too long since the last time we saw you. Always work work work with you. You take after your father that way. I think you work yourself too hard, dear, and I'm not just saying that because I want to see more of you. You should take some time off, for your own good. When are you going to settle down and get married? You've done this preaching thing for a while, but it's time you bought a house somewhere and started a family. Hanging around with all those other grown men, unemployed, all the time. It's not healthy and I don't think they're a very good influence for you. I only ask because Joses is too busy worrying about school and I think your brother James might be you-know-what. I know, I know, I'm being annoying, that's what all my children tell me, but a mother worries. Love you lots!

Jude,
I'm sorry you weren't able to visit your old mother this weekend. I don't mean to be a nag, but it would have made my day, and your father's too, who hasn't been getting around well lately with his bad back. I'm sorry if you were working all week and you're tired on the weekends, Jude, but I'm afraid I just don't have a lot of sympathy for that excuse. I hope we'll see you next weekend. Even if you just drop by for an hour, that would make such a difference. If you're not too tired, of course. Your brother Jesus was dead, that didn't stop him from dropping by on Sunday. I'm sure I'll see you soon.