Liability issue

CHRISTIAN
All right, we've got a great guest tonight, but first...but first...

CHRISTIAN smiles. He pauses. He is clearly waiting for something.

CHRISTIAN (continued)
Uh...but first...

CHRISTIAN smiles again expectantly. When nothing happens, he withers.

CHRISTIAN (continued)
Well, shit.

He has nothing to say.

CHRISTIAN (continued)
Uh, sorry, folks. It's just, it's not time to bring out the next guest yet, and usually--uh, Jeff?

PRODUCER
What's the problem, Champ?

CHRISTIAN
Well, I don't mean to telegraph it, but isn't this usually the point in the show where someone breaks into the studio and there's a wacky interruption and there's some banter back and forth--you know what I mean?

PRODUCER
Oh, yeah. We took care of that problem. We installed a steel security door in the studio. Now no one can get in and interrupt the show anymore.

CHRISTIAN
Oh.

PRODUCER
It's all you, Champ.

CHRISTIAN
Oh, that's great, I guess. So we still have another two minutes. Um...anyone see the news today?

AUDIENCE
This is boring. Boo. Do something irreverent, etc.

CHRISTIAN
Uh, Jeff?

PRODUCER
What is it, Slugger?

CHRISTIAN
Could we, uh, could we just open the door, see if someone's out there?

PRODUCER
No can do. The door can only be opened by keypad from outside the studio.

CHRISTIAN
You mean we can't get out? What if there's a fire?

PRODUCER
Don't worry about it, Slugs. Your suit is fireproof.

CHRISTIAN
What about my flesh?

PRODUCER
Now you're being ridiculous.

CHRISTIAN
Well, I think I hear knocking. Can we at least see if there's someone on the other side of the door?

PRODUCER
I think we do have a shot of the control room. Can we see that?

CUT TO:

The control room. A crowd of strange characters, including a KILLBOT, a GIRAFFE, MR. MONOPOLY, a GIANT WALKING TELEPHONE, etc. are all pounding at the door, frantically pulling at the knob, trying to get into the studio. The people in the control room continue to work, oblivious.

CUT TO:

CHRISTIAN
Oh, see? Some of those guys look pretty funny. Can we let them in?

PRODUCER
Look, it's not just the interruptions. It's a liability issue. If that giraffe got in here and started knocking those lights around with his long neck, we're responsible.

CHRISTIAN
All right, fine. Well is there anyone strange in the audience who can disrupt the show in some wacky and amusing manner?

Pan across the audience. Everyone looks normal, sitting still, completely unamused.

CHRISTIAN
Let's see. No, no, no. Wait!

At the edge of the audience is a man with two heads.

CHRISTIAN (continued)
You! The guy with two heads! Come up here for a second.

MAN WITH TWO HEADS
Excuse me?

CHRISTIAN
Yeah, I think this could work. Come up here and do something funny. Or just stand there and look silly.

MAN WITH TWO HEADS
This is a serious disability! I've had to live with this burden for years and--

MAN WITH TWO HEADS runs out of his seat, crying. He knocks over PRODUCER and, with a great effort, opens the door. The WACKY CHARACTERS enter and sprint into the studio at full speed. They are on a mission. They dance around the desk, waving their arms, commanding attention. CHRISTIAN grins like a fool and starts dancing with them in his seat. One of the CHARACTERS punches CHRISTIAN in the mouth and immediately they are all pummelling him. MR. MONOPOLY pulls out a lead pipe. The beating continues as CHRISTIAN falls to the floor.

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