Tragic Endings to Classic Sitcoms (3rd Rock from the Sun)

DICK: Mary, there's something I need to tell you.
MARY: What is it, Dick?
DICK: We're space aliens.

MARY pauses for a second, then laughs.

[laugh track]

DICK: I don't expect you to believe me, but it's true. Sally? Harry? Tommy?

SALLY, HARRY and TOMMY enter.

ALL: It's true. We're aliens. Yup, etc.
MARY: Oh my God, it all makes perfect sense.

[laugh track]

DICK: But now--we have to leave you. Guys? Can we have a moment alone?

SALLY, HARRY and TOMMY recognize the poignance of the moment and exit.

MARY: Dick, I want you to know that whoever, or whatever, you are, I love you.
DICK: Oh, Mary. I'm sorry, but--our assignment is over.
MARY: What do you mean?
DICK: We're going back to our home planet.
MARY: You are?
DICK: Yes. The Big Giant Head is calling us back. We have to go.
MARY: The Big Giant Head can bite my big giant ass!

[laugh track]

DICK: Oh, Mary. I would do anything to take me with you.
MARY: Maybe I can go! I'll come with you, and we'll get married on your planet. I'm ready!
DICK: You haven't even seen our natural form.
MARY: Is it bad?
DICK: That depends. How do you feel about tentacles?

[laugh track]

SALLY enters.

SALLY: Dick?
DICK: I know, Sally. I'm coming.
SALLY: No, it's not that. We have one more mission. Here.

SALLY hands DICK a piece of paper. SHE begins to say something, but just walks off quickly. DICK reads it. HE stares at MARY, stunned.

MARY: Dick, what does it say?

DICK begins sobbing, then crying uncontrollably.

MARY: Oh, Dick, what is it? What is it?
DICK (barely intelligible through the tears): One more mission, Mary! One more goddamn mission!
MARY: Dick, calm down! It can't be that bad.

Tears pour out of DICK's eyes. HE holds his face. Suddenly, HE composes himself.

DICK (cold): There's one more mission, Mary.
MARY (a little afraid): What is it, Dick?
DICK: We have been conducting research on Earth. But there is one thing that we have not yet studied. Death.
MARY: Oh. Oh no, Dick. Oh no.

DICK pulls a pistol out of his pocket.

[gasp track]

DICK: I'm sorry, Mary. I'm so sorry.
MARY: Dick, please. Let me live. Even just another day. Another half hour, please. Let's make love one more time. I'm not ready to die.
DICK (crying again, screaming): NO MORE, MARY! NO MORE!

DICK puts the gun right up to MARY's temple and, without hesitating, shoots her. HE puts down the gun, calm.

DICK: So this is what it feels to murder. [he laughs] What a world this is. Death comes so easy, so quickly, so unexpectedly--and yet, it's so difficult for these humans to accept.

DICK sighs. HE picks up what remains of MARY's head and finds her lips.

DICK: Oh, Mary.

DICK begins crying again.

DICK: "I kissed thee ere I killed thee. No way but this, / Killing myself, to die upon a kiss."

DICK kisses her. HE puts the gun in his own mouth, pauses for a second and sighs, and pulls the trigger. HE falls over, dead. TOMMY, SALLY and HARRY enter.

TOMMY: O bloody period!
HARRY: Holy moly!
SALLY: Let's go, guys.
HARRY: Well what about these guys?
TOMMY: We need to leave.
HARRY: Aw, I hate this stupid planet.

[pensive laugh track.]

TOMMY: I know, Harry. I know.

They exit.