CHRISTIAN
Tonight’s a very special show for us here at BU Tonight. This marks our 200th anniversary. Thanks. So to celebrate 200 years of late night comedy, we decided to dip into our vaults and show you one of the clips that we’re most proud of in the history of the show. Here’s a little something from 1862.
CUT TO
CHRISTIAN, with a Civil War moustache, sitting across from ABRAHAM LINCOLN, wearing his trademark stovepipe hat.
CHRISTIAN
The South wants to secede. Why are you fighting so hard to keep the Union together?
LINCOLN
Well, Christian, the strength of both the northern and southern states depends on our staying together. I truly believe that a house divided against itself cannot stand.
CHRISTIAN
Mmm hmm. That’s a nice hat.
LINCOLN
(laughing sheepishly)
Well thank you.
CHRISTIAN
I’ve never seen you without it. It’s kind of your trademark.
LINCOLN
I guess so.
CHRISTIAN
Can I try it on?
LINCOLN
I—I don’t think so.
CHRISTIAN
Why not? Just for a second.
LINCOLN
I said no!
There is a struggle for the hat. Finally, CHRISTIAN pulls off the hat, revealing a second head on top of LINCOLN’s.
CHRISTIAN
Oh my God! There’s another head in there!
HEAD
(panting)
Ah! Aaah! Emancipation!
LINCOLN
Give me that hat!
HEAD
Long live the Confederacy! Jefferson Davis for President!
LINCOLN
(swatting at the head, trying to shut it up)
Quiet! You’ll ruin everything!
HEAD
Robert E. Lee is an American hero! Lincoln’s a queer!
LINCOLN
I am not! Stop!
HEAD
(starting to lean to one side)
I’m tilting. I’m tilting. Help me.
LINCOLN’s body starts to sway along with the head. Lincoln falls over, out of his chair. CHRISTIAN helps him up, balancing the head.
LINCOLN
I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life! As soon as I suspend habeas corpus I’m coming after you, Lynch.
HEAD
Mary Todd’s a Confederate spy!
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Friday, February 10, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Clippers
PRITCHARD: Timothy, come in here!
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I need some nail clippers.
TIMOTHY: To clip your nails, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes, they’re getting a bit long and I think it’s time for a clipping. Where do we keep the clippers?
TIMOTHY: I’ll bring them right to you, sir.
PRITCHARD: That should be fine.
[TIMOTHY sprints offstage at top speed and returns, also at top speed, almost immediately, holding two pairs of clippers.]
TIMOTHY: Here you are, sir. There are two pairs here for you to choose from.
PRITCHARD: Two pairs? Well how am I supposed to choose?
TIMOTHY: Whichever one you’d like, sir.
PRITCHARD: Are they identical?
TIMOTHY: Almost. I don’t think it would matter much either way which one you chose to tell you the truth.
PRITCHARD: Mmm hmm. Now you said they were almost identical—is that correct?
TIMOTHY: Yes. Their design appears to be the same.
PRITCHARD: Well what is this difference? I only ask because I need something on which to base my decision, and any difference will help make the decision easier and will ensure that I make the best decision.
TIMOTHY: I understand. The only difference I can see is that this one says “Mexico” and this one says “Made in Korea.”
PRITCHARD: The first one says “Made in Mexico?” Or just “Mexico?”
TIMOTHY: Just “Mexico,” sir. But the second one says “Made in Korea” in full.
PRITCHARD: I suppose the inclusion or exclusion of the “Made in” doesn’t make much of a difference. Although if it was a significantly large “Made in,” it could affect the overall feel and design of the clippers. Does the “Made in” appear large enough to affect the clipping itself, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: If there is a difference, it’s only negligible, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. I suppose the decision then comes down to the country itself. Korea and Mexico did you say?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. In that case, I’m going to have to choose Korea.
TIMOTHY: Because they’re manicurists, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes. Very good, Timothy. Bring over the Korean clippers, please.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. Here you are, sir. Shall I dispose of the Mexican clippers?
PRITCHARD: No, we’d better hold on to those. Perhaps we can barter them later in town.
TIMOTHY: I’ll put them back in the drawer, sir. But in the lower drawer so we don’t get confused.
PRITCHARD: An excellent idea, Timothy.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I need some nail clippers.
TIMOTHY: To clip your nails, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes, they’re getting a bit long and I think it’s time for a clipping. Where do we keep the clippers?
TIMOTHY: I’ll bring them right to you, sir.
PRITCHARD: That should be fine.
[TIMOTHY sprints offstage at top speed and returns, also at top speed, almost immediately, holding two pairs of clippers.]
TIMOTHY: Here you are, sir. There are two pairs here for you to choose from.
PRITCHARD: Two pairs? Well how am I supposed to choose?
TIMOTHY: Whichever one you’d like, sir.
PRITCHARD: Are they identical?
TIMOTHY: Almost. I don’t think it would matter much either way which one you chose to tell you the truth.
PRITCHARD: Mmm hmm. Now you said they were almost identical—is that correct?
TIMOTHY: Yes. Their design appears to be the same.
PRITCHARD: Well what is this difference? I only ask because I need something on which to base my decision, and any difference will help make the decision easier and will ensure that I make the best decision.
TIMOTHY: I understand. The only difference I can see is that this one says “Mexico” and this one says “Made in Korea.”
PRITCHARD: The first one says “Made in Mexico?” Or just “Mexico?”
TIMOTHY: Just “Mexico,” sir. But the second one says “Made in Korea” in full.
PRITCHARD: I suppose the inclusion or exclusion of the “Made in” doesn’t make much of a difference. Although if it was a significantly large “Made in,” it could affect the overall feel and design of the clippers. Does the “Made in” appear large enough to affect the clipping itself, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: If there is a difference, it’s only negligible, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. I suppose the decision then comes down to the country itself. Korea and Mexico did you say?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. In that case, I’m going to have to choose Korea.
TIMOTHY: Because they’re manicurists, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes. Very good, Timothy. Bring over the Korean clippers, please.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. Here you are, sir. Shall I dispose of the Mexican clippers?
PRITCHARD: No, we’d better hold on to those. Perhaps we can barter them later in town.
TIMOTHY: I’ll put them back in the drawer, sir. But in the lower drawer so we don’t get confused.
PRITCHARD: An excellent idea, Timothy.
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