As CHRISTIAN speaks, there is a strange chattering sound that can be distinctly heard.
CHRISTIAN
OK, we’re back. Now next up—wait, wait a minute. What is that sound? Does anyone else hear that?
JOE
(standing offstage, looking directly above him)
Looks like there’s a squirrel in the back of the studio.
CHRISTIAN
Squirrel in the studio? Can you take care of that?
JOE
No.
CHRISTIAN
Well—why not.
JOE
Squirrel’s not hurting anybody.
CHRISTIAN
Well you don’t have to kill it, just move it out of the studio. It’s kind of distracting, we’re shooting here.
JOE
Who’s to say you’re not distracting the squirrel?
CHRISTIAN
It’s a squirrel.
JOE
(no longer concerned with Christian)
He’s real cute. Look at him. Heh heh.
CHRISTIAN
Joe, you can move him outside—
JOE
(to the person operating the camera next to him)
Hey. Hey you. Get the squirrel on tape.
CUT TO
A (stuffed) squirrel capering about somewhere in the studio. JOE laughs throughout.
CHRISTIAN
(offscreen)
Joe, we have to—this is not the time to be taping a squirrel. Hey. Hey!
JOE
Little squirrel! So cute! Heh heh.
Suddenly, the squirrel notices people are looking at him. He goes behind a wall and reemerges holding a sign reading “ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND STEVE!”
CHRISTIAN
Ugh, Joe! That squirrel is a right-wing ideologue!
JOE
No he’s not. Look at him dance! Heh heh.
CHRISTIAN
Look at his sign! Get him out of here!
JOE
No.
CHRISTIAN
Come on, now, cut to commercial, we’ll be right back.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
The two editors of my sister's "Understanding the Film: An Introduction to Film Appreciation" textbook
Jan Bone
Ron Johnson
AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
WOO!
WOO!
He he he. He. Heh.
Wow.
Ron Johnson
AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
WOO!
WOO!
He he he. He. Heh.
Wow.
Monday, March 06, 2006
The Cult, Act I
SCENE: An angular boardroom with a desk, a couch, several chairs and a large window. The desk is covered with only a few odds and ends. All the objects in the room are bright white except for the strangely light brown wooden desk and everything looks brand new, though it is all simple. The only thing remarkable about the furniture of the room and the surroundings is the sheer simplicity of it all. A sheer white curtain hangs loosely over the window, covering little glass and blocking no light. In the corner of the room, there is a water cooler filled to the very top. All props should have this same sterile, lifeless, simple look.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, come in here!
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I need some nail clippers.
TIMOTHY: To clip your nails, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes, they’re getting a bit long and I think it’s time for a clipping. Where do we keep the clippers?
TIMOTHY: I’ll bring them right to you, sir.
PRITCHARD: That should be fine.
[TIMOTHY sprints offstage at top speed and returns immediately, holding two pairs of clippers.]
TIMOTHY: Here you are, sir. There are two pairs here for you to choose from.
PRITCHARD: Two pairs? Well how am I supposed to choose?
TIMOTHY: Whichever one you’d like, sir.
PRITCHARD: Are they identical?
TIMOTHY: Almost. I don’t think it would matter much either way which one you chose to tell you the truth.
PRITCHARD: Mmm hmm. Now you said they were almost identical—is that correct?
TIMOTHY: Yes. Their design appears to be the same.
PRITCHARD: Well what is this difference? I only ask because I need something on which to base my decision, and any difference will help make my choice easier and will ensure that I come to the correct conclusion.
TIMOTHY: I understand. The only difference I can see is that this one says “Mexico” and this one says “Made in Korea.”
PRITCHARD: The first one says “Made in Mexico?” Or just “Mexico?”
TIMOTHY: Just “Mexico,” sir. But the second one says “Made in Korea” in full.
PRITCHARD: I suppose the inclusion or exclusion of the “Made in” doesn’t make much of a difference. Although if it was a significantly large “Made in,” it could affect the overall feel and design of the clippers. Does the “Made in” appear large enough to affect the clipping itself, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: If there is a difference, it’s only negligible, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. I suppose the decision then comes down to the country itself. Korea and Mexico did you say?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. In that case, I’m going to have to choose Korea.
TIMOTHY: Because they’re manicurists, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes. Very good, Timothy. Bring over the Korean clippers, please.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. Here you are, sir. Shall I dispose of the Mexican clippers?
PRITCHARD: No, we’d better hold on to those. Perhaps we can barter them later in town.
TIMOTHY: I’ll put them back in the drawer, sir. But in the lower drawer so we don’t get confused.
PRITCHARD: An excellent idea, Timothy.
[TIMOTHY exits and almost immediately reenters, no longer holding the clippers.]
TIMOTHY: Sir, we have reason to believe the press has been snooping around the commune.
PRITCHARD: Do we? What is the reason?
TIMOTHY: Well a number of the new members have been seen discretely taking notes.
PRITCHARD: Notes? With what?
TIMOTHY: With a pen and a pad, sir.
PRITCHARD: Such implements are against regulations!
TIMOTHY: I know, sir. We believe they smuggled them under their robes.
PRITCHARD: These damnable robes! Why do we wear these things anyway?
TIMOTHY: Well the reasons are twofold. Firstly, you believe that conformity breeds brotherhood, which is one of the founding principles of Dairyview. Secondly, they symbolize the purity of soul that we strive for as members of Dairyview.
PRITCHARD: That’s a fine explanation, Timothy.
TIMOTHY: I’m only reciting from the Leadership Guide that you wrote.
PRITCHARD: Well done!
TIMOTHY: And if I may, sir, I could venture a third reason.
PRITCHARD: Yes, yes, go ahead. If you truly believe you have another justification then I would love to hear it.
TIMOTHY: Thank you, sir. I was just thinking that these robes are dirt cheap.
PRITCHARD: And they are! Well done, Timothy!
TIMOTHY: Thank you, sir. But what are we to do about the press?
PRITCHARD: Expel them from the premises. But be nice about it.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. I’ll send Christoph and Madigan to do it.
PRITCHARD: Sounds fine.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately.]
TIMOTHY: Sir, we have a few concerned citizens who wish to file an informal petition with your office.
PRITCHARD: What about?
TIMOTHY: I’m not sure, sir.
PRITCHARD: Send them in.
TIMOTHY: Well there are two groups.
PRITCHARD: Two groups? Already?
TIMOTHY: That’s about the average, sir.
PRITCHARD: Is it?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: Yes, I supposed you’re right as always, Timothy. Well send in the first group.
TIMOTHY: Which group should be the first group, sir?
PRITCHARD: Whichever group arrived first, I supposed.
TIMOTHY: They both arrived at the same time, sir.
PRITCHARD: At exactly the same time, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: More or less, sir.
PRITCHARD: What do you mean more or less, Timothy? Was there any discernable difference?
TIMOTHY: Presumably there was, sir, but I was detained in your office when they arrived.
PRITCHARD: Did Heller see anything?
TIMOTHY: She didn’t, sir. She was reading at the time.
PRITCHARD: And why was she reading, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: You allowed her to bring a book from the Approved Reading List to work with her because, by giving her a diversion during her many downtimes, her morale would be boosted and her output efficiency would be increased.
PRITCHARD: Sound reasoning, I’d say. Thank you Timothy.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. But there’s still the problem of the first group to attend to.
PRITCHARD: Ah, yes. We need some sort of tiebreaker, don’t we?
TIMOTHY: It would seem so, sir.
PRITCHARD: Uh huh. Well how about you take the group that is positioned closest to my door.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. That sounds like a fine idea, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately]
PRITCHARD: Where’s the first group?
TIMOTHY: There’s a problem, sir.
PRITCHARD: What’s the problem?
TIMOTHY: Well the groups are not together. They are spread across the lobby.
PRITCHARD: The lobby is small, Timothy.
TIMOTHY: I understand that, sir, but they are spread to the extent they can be spread.
PRITCHARD: Please, explain the situation to me, Timothy.
TIMOTHY: Well, sir, both groups are composed of a man and a woman.
PRITCHARD: What are their relations?
TIMOTHY: You mean the relation between the two groups or the relations between the constituent members of each individual group?
PRITCHARD: Naturally the relations between the constituent members of each individual group.
TIMOTHY: I am not sure, sir. But I don’t think it has an effect on the situation at hand.
PRITCHARD: Yes, I believe you are correct, Timothy. Go on.
TIMOTHY: Well, sir, the man from one party is positioned closest to the door, followed by the woman from the other party, then the man from the same party as the aforementioned woman and then, farthest from the door is the woman who goes with the man who is closest to the door.
PRITCHARD: That is quite the situation.
TIMOTHY: Quite, sir.
PRITCHARD: I can understand how you would be unable to come to a decision based on my earlier directives alone. Nevertheless, a decision must be made. What are the names of the parties?
TIMOTHY: I’ll check, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately with a clipboard.]
PRITCHARD: Do you have an answer in reference to my earlier question regarding the names of the parties in the lobby?
TIMOTHY: No, sir.
PRITCHARD: And why not?
TIMOTHY: In the time of our conversation, a third party has entered the lobby and also wishes to file a petition.
PRITCHARD: And these people just arrived?
TIMOTHY: Just this minute, sir, a bit after the other two parties arrived several minutes ago.
PRITCHARD: Well send in the third party. We’ll worry about the other two later.
TIMOTHY: A wise choice, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately behind a man and a woman both named ALLYN, no longer holding the clipboard. The ALLYNS rush up to PRITCHARD’s desk and bow with their foreheads on the floor and their palms up by their side. PRITCHARD nods approvingly. They bow silently for about twenty seconds.]
PRITCHARD: Thank you, you may stand up.
MR ALLYN: Thank you, Prophet.
MRS ALLYN: Yes, infinite thanks for your time and patience.
[The ALLYNS bow again as before and PRITCHARD waits another twenty seconds.]
PRITCHARD: Please, stand up. I understand you would like to file a petition.
MR ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. Yes, Prophet
PRITCHARD: Well please, let me hear the details of your petition.
MRS ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. Thank you, Prophet.
MR ALLYN: We’d like to apologize in advance, Prophet. Our petition is frivolous and a waste of your important time—
PRITCHARD: [Jovially, loudly] Nonsense! [The ALLYNS cower and PRITCHARD hesitates and speaks softer.] Every concern of everyone at Dairyview is of the utmost importance to me. Nothing is more important to me, in fact.
MRS ALLYN: That is truly a testament to your benevolence, Prophet.
PRITCHARD: Please, proceed.
MR ALLYN: Well, Prophet, I believe that we represent a sizable portion of Dairyview when we express our concerns regarding the glorious mess hall.
PRITCHARD: [innocuously] Is there a problem with the mess hall.
MR ALLYN: [flinching, frightened and rushed] Ah! No, no Prophet. It’s just—
MRS ALLYN: It’s just that you recently added grape juice next to the orange juice in the juice line.
MR ALLYN: A wise choice, Prophet.
MRS ALLYN: Undoubtedly! Undoubtedly! But the problem is just—with two juices—many of your acolytes are having trouble deciding.
PRITCHARD: I’m not sure I understand.
MR ALLYN: Well it’s just that your unquestionable benevolence might be—and please don’t take offense—certainly I make no pretensions to— [he struggles to stifle sobs.]
MRS ALLYN: We can’t choose, Prophet.
PRITCHARD: Can’t choose? Between the juices?
MR ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. It’s difficult to decide. Both are—so good. And both are—so well-chosen.
PRITCHARD: They both have their pros and cons.
MR ALLYN: Aaah, yes, that’s true Prophet. But their pros and cons, it seems to us, are about equal, and making a decision—
PRITCHARD: It’s difficult for you.
MRS ALLYN: Yes! Yes, Prophet! Yes!
PRITCHARD: Your problem is understandable. I can sympathize quite well, in fact.
MR ALLYN: You are truly generous, Prophet. You truly, truly are.
PRITCHARD: Perhaps it would help if I produced a memorandum outlining the pros and cons as I see them.
MRS ALLYN: That would be truly helpful, Prophet.
PRITCHARD: Yes, I believe that is what I’ll do. Thank you very much for your petition.
MRS ALLYN: Prophet, if I may—
[MR ALLYN gasps in horror and begins shaking noticeably.]
PRITCHARD: Yes, of course. Go on.
MRS ALLYN: What should we drink until then?
PRITCHARD: Well let’s just go over the pros and cons right now. Timothy, perhaps you should take this down as our conclusions here may help us in shaping our memorandum.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately holding a clipboard and pen.]
PRITCHARD: Let’s begin with grape juice. The taste is stronger.
MR ALLYN: That it is.
MRS ALLYN: Undoubtedly!
PRITCHARD: I prefer a stronger taste. It’s more concentrated. A con though, when spilled it stains easily.
MR ALLYN: Yes, it does, Prophet.
MRS ALLYN: Unquestionably. And with these white robes—
MR ALLYN: Immaculate! Perfectly chosen!
MRS ALLYN: Undoubtedly. But their whiteness makes them easily stained.
PRITCHARD: Yes. Which unfortunately undercuts their symbolization of the purity we strive to achieve at Dairyview.
TIMOTHY: On the other hand, they are easy to replace because they are so cheap.
PRITCHARD: An excellent point, Timothy. Nevertheless, I believe that still earns a place in the Con column, don’t you?
TIMOTHY: I think that’s a wise choice, sir.
PRITCHARD: OK, then. Moving on to orange juice. It’s lighter, which is also good if you’re in the mood for a lighter beverage.
MR ALLYN: Absolutely, Prophet. Absolutely.
PRITCHARD: But orange juice does have pulp, which I don’t like.
MRS ALLYN: Actually, Prophet, this orange juice is pulp-free.
[MR ALLYN shudders and looks as if he vomits a bit in his mouth and swallows it quickly. He swoons, looking as if he might faint.]
PRITCHARD: Ah! That’s wonderful, then. I would have to recommend orange juice for the time being. At least until we release our official memorandum.
MRS ALLYN: Thank you, Prophet! Thank you for your guidance!
[They bow as before.]
PRITCHARD: Think nothing of it. And, of course, mine is only one man’s opinion. Feel free to continue drinking grape juice if you wish. Expect our memorandum within the month.
ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. We will take your wise words into advisement.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, you may show them the way out.
[TIMOTHY shows the ALLYNS the way out and returns almost immediately.]
TIMOTHY: Well decided, sir.
PRITCHARD: Thank you, Timothy. Please add the juice memorandum to our to-do list.
TIMOTHY: I’ve already done it, sir.
PRITCHARD: You’re a marvel, Timothy! Now else is there to attend to?
TIMOTHY: There are still two groups waiting for their petitions to be heard.
PRITCHARD: As I remember it, we never decided which group was to be allowed an audience first. Am I correct?
TIMOTHY: You are, sir.
PRITCHARD: So that problem needs to be attended to. You say they arrived at the same time?
TIMOTHY: More or less, sir.
PRITCHARD: Ah yes, I remember now. Well what are the names of the parties?
TIMOTHY: One is Sheffer and the other Armstrong.
PRITCHARD: Perhaps, since there seems to be no real rational reason to pick one over the other, we should use a purely arbitrary means of selection to make our decision all the easier.
TIMOTHY: What did you have in mind, sir?
PRITCHARD: Perhaps we attend to the groups in alphabetical order.
TIMOTHY: Alphabetical order?
PRITCHARD: It’s arbitrary, I know.
TIMOTHY: Once one has exhausted all the rational options, he must turn to the arbitrary.
PRITCHARD: Wise words, Timothy. I believe that is the best way to proceed. Please send in Armstrong.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately trailing a man and a woman both named SHEFFER. They bow for about twenty seconds.]
PRITCHARD: Thank you. You may stand. You two are Armstrong, correct?
[The man and the woman look at each other nervously.]
MRS SHEFFER: Uh—
MR SHEFFER: Yes. Yes we are, Prophet.
TIMOTHY: Actually, sir, this is the Sheffer party.
PRITCHARD: It is? But Timothy, I thought we came to the decision to let the Armstrong party in first. Based on the alphabetical order of their names.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir, that is correct. But the Armstrong party left.
PRITCHARD: I see. Well, let me hear what you two have to say.
MR SHEFFER: Well, Prophet, it’s our son, you see.
PRITCHARD: Your son?
MR SHEFFER: Yes, Prophet. He’s disappeared.
PRITCHARD: Disappeared? That’s queer.
MRS SHEFFER: Yes, Prophet. We’re concerned as I’m sure you understand.
PRITCHARD: Of course, of course. I have a daughter of my own.
MR SHEFFER: Yes, Prophet. Our son is about her age.
PRITCHARD: So you say he disappeared. Did you mean this literally? As in disappearing into thin air? Or perhaps he disintegrated into a mysterious mist?
MR SHEFFER: No, Prophet. Forgive me. It was merely a poorly chosen figure of speech.
PRITCHARD: No, no. I understand. So do you have any ideas where he is or might be?
MR SHEFFER: No—no, Prophet.
MRS SHEFFER: Well, uh—
MR SHEFFER: Don’t—
MRS SHEFFER: We think he may have run away and left Dairyview grounds.
[There is a weighty silence. MR SHEFFER groans as if he is expecting PRITCHARD to sentence them to death at any second. Pritchard looks shocked and hurt. TIMOTHY looks surprised as well, but does not let this fact shake him.]
PRITCHARD: Of course, anyone is free to leave at any time. Timothy?
TIMOTHY: That’s right, sir.
PRITCHARD: But no one ever has before.
TIMOTHY: That’s right, sir.
[There is another pause. Suddenly, PRITCHARD remembers his position and speaks with importance and decisiveness in his voice, a bit haughtily.]
PRITCHARD: Well, then, we will examine the situation and act accordingly. Timothy, please show these people the door.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
[But the SHEFFERS have already moved quickly towards the door, trying to get out before PRITCHARD becomes angry. TIMOTHY shuts the door behind them and returns to his post. Pritchard paces around the room and looks out the window. He puts his hands on his head and sighs deeply, then returns to his chair.]
PRITCHARD: What did I do wrong?
TIMOTHY: Sir?
PRITCHARD: Dammit, Timothy, I take this personally. You know? I take this personally. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s dumb, but I do.
TIMOTHY: I don’t think it’s dumb, sir.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, what did I do wrong? I provide for these people. I don’t—I’m not self-serving. I always look out for their best interests. You know that, don’t you Timothy?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: Of course you know it! Dammit, Timothy, you know it better than anyone! Me and you, we’re always looking at every decision from every angle trying to do what’s best by these people. So what’s this kid’s problem? Why did he run away? What could I have done.
[There is a short pause.]
TIMOTHY: I don’t know. Maybe nothing, sir.
PRITCHARD: Then why?
TIMOTHY: They said she was your daughter’s age. Perhaps it was just meaningless rebellion. A pointless assertion of individuality.
PRITCHARD: He could have done that here, Timothy! But he left.
TIMOTHY: Dairyview has been operational for more than thirty years, sir. It was bound to happen eventually, no matter how wonderful a commune you have built and maintained. And it is wonderful, sir. Look how many people stay.
[PRITCHARD ponders this for a moment. He seems to take to it, then suddenly frowns.]
PRITCHARD: They’re afraid of me, aren’t they Timothy. [TIMOTHY says nothing.] That’s all it is. They’re afraid of me.
TIMOTHY: You’ve given them no reason to be afraid of you, sir.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, is this a cult? [TIMOTHY says nothing again.] God. Sometimes I just don’t know, Timothy. Why am I in charge? What if I make a wrong decision? I mean, I try, but—
TIMOTHY: You’ve made many fine decisions, sir. Your people are happy.
PRITCHARD: And what if I make a mistake? My God, Timothy, nobody would be able to tell me I was wrong.
TIMOTHY: Sir, I would tell you if I believed you were wrong.
PRITCHARD: But what if we were both wrong, Timothy? Don’t you see? Who’s to know.
[There is a long pause. PRITCHARD stands up as if to resume pacing, but after a few seconds, sits down again.]
TIMOTHY: There’s still the matter of the boy, sir.
PRITCHARD: [weakly] Yes, the boy. Send someone out to find him.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: Wait!
TIMOTHY: Sir?
PRITCHARD: Maybe we should just let him be. Maybe he’s better off.
TIMOTHY: Is that your decision, sir?
PRITCHARD: Well what do you suggest, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: I don’t know.
[There is another silence.]
PRITCHARD: Maybe he’ll come back.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, come in here!
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I need some nail clippers.
TIMOTHY: To clip your nails, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes, they’re getting a bit long and I think it’s time for a clipping. Where do we keep the clippers?
TIMOTHY: I’ll bring them right to you, sir.
PRITCHARD: That should be fine.
[TIMOTHY sprints offstage at top speed and returns immediately, holding two pairs of clippers.]
TIMOTHY: Here you are, sir. There are two pairs here for you to choose from.
PRITCHARD: Two pairs? Well how am I supposed to choose?
TIMOTHY: Whichever one you’d like, sir.
PRITCHARD: Are they identical?
TIMOTHY: Almost. I don’t think it would matter much either way which one you chose to tell you the truth.
PRITCHARD: Mmm hmm. Now you said they were almost identical—is that correct?
TIMOTHY: Yes. Their design appears to be the same.
PRITCHARD: Well what is this difference? I only ask because I need something on which to base my decision, and any difference will help make my choice easier and will ensure that I come to the correct conclusion.
TIMOTHY: I understand. The only difference I can see is that this one says “Mexico” and this one says “Made in Korea.”
PRITCHARD: The first one says “Made in Mexico?” Or just “Mexico?”
TIMOTHY: Just “Mexico,” sir. But the second one says “Made in Korea” in full.
PRITCHARD: I suppose the inclusion or exclusion of the “Made in” doesn’t make much of a difference. Although if it was a significantly large “Made in,” it could affect the overall feel and design of the clippers. Does the “Made in” appear large enough to affect the clipping itself, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: If there is a difference, it’s only negligible, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. I suppose the decision then comes down to the country itself. Korea and Mexico did you say?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. In that case, I’m going to have to choose Korea.
TIMOTHY: Because they’re manicurists, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes. Very good, Timothy. Bring over the Korean clippers, please.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. Here you are, sir. Shall I dispose of the Mexican clippers?
PRITCHARD: No, we’d better hold on to those. Perhaps we can barter them later in town.
TIMOTHY: I’ll put them back in the drawer, sir. But in the lower drawer so we don’t get confused.
PRITCHARD: An excellent idea, Timothy.
[TIMOTHY exits and almost immediately reenters, no longer holding the clippers.]
TIMOTHY: Sir, we have reason to believe the press has been snooping around the commune.
PRITCHARD: Do we? What is the reason?
TIMOTHY: Well a number of the new members have been seen discretely taking notes.
PRITCHARD: Notes? With what?
TIMOTHY: With a pen and a pad, sir.
PRITCHARD: Such implements are against regulations!
TIMOTHY: I know, sir. We believe they smuggled them under their robes.
PRITCHARD: These damnable robes! Why do we wear these things anyway?
TIMOTHY: Well the reasons are twofold. Firstly, you believe that conformity breeds brotherhood, which is one of the founding principles of Dairyview. Secondly, they symbolize the purity of soul that we strive for as members of Dairyview.
PRITCHARD: That’s a fine explanation, Timothy.
TIMOTHY: I’m only reciting from the Leadership Guide that you wrote.
PRITCHARD: Well done!
TIMOTHY: And if I may, sir, I could venture a third reason.
PRITCHARD: Yes, yes, go ahead. If you truly believe you have another justification then I would love to hear it.
TIMOTHY: Thank you, sir. I was just thinking that these robes are dirt cheap.
PRITCHARD: And they are! Well done, Timothy!
TIMOTHY: Thank you, sir. But what are we to do about the press?
PRITCHARD: Expel them from the premises. But be nice about it.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. I’ll send Christoph and Madigan to do it.
PRITCHARD: Sounds fine.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately.]
TIMOTHY: Sir, we have a few concerned citizens who wish to file an informal petition with your office.
PRITCHARD: What about?
TIMOTHY: I’m not sure, sir.
PRITCHARD: Send them in.
TIMOTHY: Well there are two groups.
PRITCHARD: Two groups? Already?
TIMOTHY: That’s about the average, sir.
PRITCHARD: Is it?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: Yes, I supposed you’re right as always, Timothy. Well send in the first group.
TIMOTHY: Which group should be the first group, sir?
PRITCHARD: Whichever group arrived first, I supposed.
TIMOTHY: They both arrived at the same time, sir.
PRITCHARD: At exactly the same time, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: More or less, sir.
PRITCHARD: What do you mean more or less, Timothy? Was there any discernable difference?
TIMOTHY: Presumably there was, sir, but I was detained in your office when they arrived.
PRITCHARD: Did Heller see anything?
TIMOTHY: She didn’t, sir. She was reading at the time.
PRITCHARD: And why was she reading, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: You allowed her to bring a book from the Approved Reading List to work with her because, by giving her a diversion during her many downtimes, her morale would be boosted and her output efficiency would be increased.
PRITCHARD: Sound reasoning, I’d say. Thank you Timothy.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. But there’s still the problem of the first group to attend to.
PRITCHARD: Ah, yes. We need some sort of tiebreaker, don’t we?
TIMOTHY: It would seem so, sir.
PRITCHARD: Uh huh. Well how about you take the group that is positioned closest to my door.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. That sounds like a fine idea, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately]
PRITCHARD: Where’s the first group?
TIMOTHY: There’s a problem, sir.
PRITCHARD: What’s the problem?
TIMOTHY: Well the groups are not together. They are spread across the lobby.
PRITCHARD: The lobby is small, Timothy.
TIMOTHY: I understand that, sir, but they are spread to the extent they can be spread.
PRITCHARD: Please, explain the situation to me, Timothy.
TIMOTHY: Well, sir, both groups are composed of a man and a woman.
PRITCHARD: What are their relations?
TIMOTHY: You mean the relation between the two groups or the relations between the constituent members of each individual group?
PRITCHARD: Naturally the relations between the constituent members of each individual group.
TIMOTHY: I am not sure, sir. But I don’t think it has an effect on the situation at hand.
PRITCHARD: Yes, I believe you are correct, Timothy. Go on.
TIMOTHY: Well, sir, the man from one party is positioned closest to the door, followed by the woman from the other party, then the man from the same party as the aforementioned woman and then, farthest from the door is the woman who goes with the man who is closest to the door.
PRITCHARD: That is quite the situation.
TIMOTHY: Quite, sir.
PRITCHARD: I can understand how you would be unable to come to a decision based on my earlier directives alone. Nevertheless, a decision must be made. What are the names of the parties?
TIMOTHY: I’ll check, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately with a clipboard.]
PRITCHARD: Do you have an answer in reference to my earlier question regarding the names of the parties in the lobby?
TIMOTHY: No, sir.
PRITCHARD: And why not?
TIMOTHY: In the time of our conversation, a third party has entered the lobby and also wishes to file a petition.
PRITCHARD: And these people just arrived?
TIMOTHY: Just this minute, sir, a bit after the other two parties arrived several minutes ago.
PRITCHARD: Well send in the third party. We’ll worry about the other two later.
TIMOTHY: A wise choice, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately behind a man and a woman both named ALLYN, no longer holding the clipboard. The ALLYNS rush up to PRITCHARD’s desk and bow with their foreheads on the floor and their palms up by their side. PRITCHARD nods approvingly. They bow silently for about twenty seconds.]
PRITCHARD: Thank you, you may stand up.
MR ALLYN: Thank you, Prophet.
MRS ALLYN: Yes, infinite thanks for your time and patience.
[The ALLYNS bow again as before and PRITCHARD waits another twenty seconds.]
PRITCHARD: Please, stand up. I understand you would like to file a petition.
MR ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. Yes, Prophet
PRITCHARD: Well please, let me hear the details of your petition.
MRS ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. Thank you, Prophet.
MR ALLYN: We’d like to apologize in advance, Prophet. Our petition is frivolous and a waste of your important time—
PRITCHARD: [Jovially, loudly] Nonsense! [The ALLYNS cower and PRITCHARD hesitates and speaks softer.] Every concern of everyone at Dairyview is of the utmost importance to me. Nothing is more important to me, in fact.
MRS ALLYN: That is truly a testament to your benevolence, Prophet.
PRITCHARD: Please, proceed.
MR ALLYN: Well, Prophet, I believe that we represent a sizable portion of Dairyview when we express our concerns regarding the glorious mess hall.
PRITCHARD: [innocuously] Is there a problem with the mess hall.
MR ALLYN: [flinching, frightened and rushed] Ah! No, no Prophet. It’s just—
MRS ALLYN: It’s just that you recently added grape juice next to the orange juice in the juice line.
MR ALLYN: A wise choice, Prophet.
MRS ALLYN: Undoubtedly! Undoubtedly! But the problem is just—with two juices—many of your acolytes are having trouble deciding.
PRITCHARD: I’m not sure I understand.
MR ALLYN: Well it’s just that your unquestionable benevolence might be—and please don’t take offense—certainly I make no pretensions to— [he struggles to stifle sobs.]
MRS ALLYN: We can’t choose, Prophet.
PRITCHARD: Can’t choose? Between the juices?
MR ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. It’s difficult to decide. Both are—so good. And both are—so well-chosen.
PRITCHARD: They both have their pros and cons.
MR ALLYN: Aaah, yes, that’s true Prophet. But their pros and cons, it seems to us, are about equal, and making a decision—
PRITCHARD: It’s difficult for you.
MRS ALLYN: Yes! Yes, Prophet! Yes!
PRITCHARD: Your problem is understandable. I can sympathize quite well, in fact.
MR ALLYN: You are truly generous, Prophet. You truly, truly are.
PRITCHARD: Perhaps it would help if I produced a memorandum outlining the pros and cons as I see them.
MRS ALLYN: That would be truly helpful, Prophet.
PRITCHARD: Yes, I believe that is what I’ll do. Thank you very much for your petition.
MRS ALLYN: Prophet, if I may—
[MR ALLYN gasps in horror and begins shaking noticeably.]
PRITCHARD: Yes, of course. Go on.
MRS ALLYN: What should we drink until then?
PRITCHARD: Well let’s just go over the pros and cons right now. Timothy, perhaps you should take this down as our conclusions here may help us in shaping our memorandum.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately holding a clipboard and pen.]
PRITCHARD: Let’s begin with grape juice. The taste is stronger.
MR ALLYN: That it is.
MRS ALLYN: Undoubtedly!
PRITCHARD: I prefer a stronger taste. It’s more concentrated. A con though, when spilled it stains easily.
MR ALLYN: Yes, it does, Prophet.
MRS ALLYN: Unquestionably. And with these white robes—
MR ALLYN: Immaculate! Perfectly chosen!
MRS ALLYN: Undoubtedly. But their whiteness makes them easily stained.
PRITCHARD: Yes. Which unfortunately undercuts their symbolization of the purity we strive to achieve at Dairyview.
TIMOTHY: On the other hand, they are easy to replace because they are so cheap.
PRITCHARD: An excellent point, Timothy. Nevertheless, I believe that still earns a place in the Con column, don’t you?
TIMOTHY: I think that’s a wise choice, sir.
PRITCHARD: OK, then. Moving on to orange juice. It’s lighter, which is also good if you’re in the mood for a lighter beverage.
MR ALLYN: Absolutely, Prophet. Absolutely.
PRITCHARD: But orange juice does have pulp, which I don’t like.
MRS ALLYN: Actually, Prophet, this orange juice is pulp-free.
[MR ALLYN shudders and looks as if he vomits a bit in his mouth and swallows it quickly. He swoons, looking as if he might faint.]
PRITCHARD: Ah! That’s wonderful, then. I would have to recommend orange juice for the time being. At least until we release our official memorandum.
MRS ALLYN: Thank you, Prophet! Thank you for your guidance!
[They bow as before.]
PRITCHARD: Think nothing of it. And, of course, mine is only one man’s opinion. Feel free to continue drinking grape juice if you wish. Expect our memorandum within the month.
ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. We will take your wise words into advisement.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, you may show them the way out.
[TIMOTHY shows the ALLYNS the way out and returns almost immediately.]
TIMOTHY: Well decided, sir.
PRITCHARD: Thank you, Timothy. Please add the juice memorandum to our to-do list.
TIMOTHY: I’ve already done it, sir.
PRITCHARD: You’re a marvel, Timothy! Now else is there to attend to?
TIMOTHY: There are still two groups waiting for their petitions to be heard.
PRITCHARD: As I remember it, we never decided which group was to be allowed an audience first. Am I correct?
TIMOTHY: You are, sir.
PRITCHARD: So that problem needs to be attended to. You say they arrived at the same time?
TIMOTHY: More or less, sir.
PRITCHARD: Ah yes, I remember now. Well what are the names of the parties?
TIMOTHY: One is Sheffer and the other Armstrong.
PRITCHARD: Perhaps, since there seems to be no real rational reason to pick one over the other, we should use a purely arbitrary means of selection to make our decision all the easier.
TIMOTHY: What did you have in mind, sir?
PRITCHARD: Perhaps we attend to the groups in alphabetical order.
TIMOTHY: Alphabetical order?
PRITCHARD: It’s arbitrary, I know.
TIMOTHY: Once one has exhausted all the rational options, he must turn to the arbitrary.
PRITCHARD: Wise words, Timothy. I believe that is the best way to proceed. Please send in Armstrong.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately trailing a man and a woman both named SHEFFER. They bow for about twenty seconds.]
PRITCHARD: Thank you. You may stand. You two are Armstrong, correct?
[The man and the woman look at each other nervously.]
MRS SHEFFER: Uh—
MR SHEFFER: Yes. Yes we are, Prophet.
TIMOTHY: Actually, sir, this is the Sheffer party.
PRITCHARD: It is? But Timothy, I thought we came to the decision to let the Armstrong party in first. Based on the alphabetical order of their names.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir, that is correct. But the Armstrong party left.
PRITCHARD: I see. Well, let me hear what you two have to say.
MR SHEFFER: Well, Prophet, it’s our son, you see.
PRITCHARD: Your son?
MR SHEFFER: Yes, Prophet. He’s disappeared.
PRITCHARD: Disappeared? That’s queer.
MRS SHEFFER: Yes, Prophet. We’re concerned as I’m sure you understand.
PRITCHARD: Of course, of course. I have a daughter of my own.
MR SHEFFER: Yes, Prophet. Our son is about her age.
PRITCHARD: So you say he disappeared. Did you mean this literally? As in disappearing into thin air? Or perhaps he disintegrated into a mysterious mist?
MR SHEFFER: No, Prophet. Forgive me. It was merely a poorly chosen figure of speech.
PRITCHARD: No, no. I understand. So do you have any ideas where he is or might be?
MR SHEFFER: No—no, Prophet.
MRS SHEFFER: Well, uh—
MR SHEFFER: Don’t—
MRS SHEFFER: We think he may have run away and left Dairyview grounds.
[There is a weighty silence. MR SHEFFER groans as if he is expecting PRITCHARD to sentence them to death at any second. Pritchard looks shocked and hurt. TIMOTHY looks surprised as well, but does not let this fact shake him.]
PRITCHARD: Of course, anyone is free to leave at any time. Timothy?
TIMOTHY: That’s right, sir.
PRITCHARD: But no one ever has before.
TIMOTHY: That’s right, sir.
[There is another pause. Suddenly, PRITCHARD remembers his position and speaks with importance and decisiveness in his voice, a bit haughtily.]
PRITCHARD: Well, then, we will examine the situation and act accordingly. Timothy, please show these people the door.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
[But the SHEFFERS have already moved quickly towards the door, trying to get out before PRITCHARD becomes angry. TIMOTHY shuts the door behind them and returns to his post. Pritchard paces around the room and looks out the window. He puts his hands on his head and sighs deeply, then returns to his chair.]
PRITCHARD: What did I do wrong?
TIMOTHY: Sir?
PRITCHARD: Dammit, Timothy, I take this personally. You know? I take this personally. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s dumb, but I do.
TIMOTHY: I don’t think it’s dumb, sir.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, what did I do wrong? I provide for these people. I don’t—I’m not self-serving. I always look out for their best interests. You know that, don’t you Timothy?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: Of course you know it! Dammit, Timothy, you know it better than anyone! Me and you, we’re always looking at every decision from every angle trying to do what’s best by these people. So what’s this kid’s problem? Why did he run away? What could I have done.
[There is a short pause.]
TIMOTHY: I don’t know. Maybe nothing, sir.
PRITCHARD: Then why?
TIMOTHY: They said she was your daughter’s age. Perhaps it was just meaningless rebellion. A pointless assertion of individuality.
PRITCHARD: He could have done that here, Timothy! But he left.
TIMOTHY: Dairyview has been operational for more than thirty years, sir. It was bound to happen eventually, no matter how wonderful a commune you have built and maintained. And it is wonderful, sir. Look how many people stay.
[PRITCHARD ponders this for a moment. He seems to take to it, then suddenly frowns.]
PRITCHARD: They’re afraid of me, aren’t they Timothy. [TIMOTHY says nothing.] That’s all it is. They’re afraid of me.
TIMOTHY: You’ve given them no reason to be afraid of you, sir.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, is this a cult? [TIMOTHY says nothing again.] God. Sometimes I just don’t know, Timothy. Why am I in charge? What if I make a wrong decision? I mean, I try, but—
TIMOTHY: You’ve made many fine decisions, sir. Your people are happy.
PRITCHARD: And what if I make a mistake? My God, Timothy, nobody would be able to tell me I was wrong.
TIMOTHY: Sir, I would tell you if I believed you were wrong.
PRITCHARD: But what if we were both wrong, Timothy? Don’t you see? Who’s to know.
[There is a long pause. PRITCHARD stands up as if to resume pacing, but after a few seconds, sits down again.]
TIMOTHY: There’s still the matter of the boy, sir.
PRITCHARD: [weakly] Yes, the boy. Send someone out to find him.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: Wait!
TIMOTHY: Sir?
PRITCHARD: Maybe we should just let him be. Maybe he’s better off.
TIMOTHY: Is that your decision, sir?
PRITCHARD: Well what do you suggest, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: I don’t know.
[There is another silence.]
PRITCHARD: Maybe he’ll come back.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
I think Jack Nicholson hires a private camera crew to follow him around when he sits in the front rows of things
No I'm not watching this boring show.
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