Are you there, Satan?

CHRISTIAN
We did not know this, but one of the members of our crew claims to be a bit of a mind-reader. So we figured, what the hell, we’ll give her a shot to show her stuff, so everyone give a warm round of applause for Wanda.

WANDA
Thanks, Christian.

CHRISTIAN
OK, just tell me, what should I do?

WANDA
I want you to clear your mind, and then choose any letter of the alphabet, and focus on that letter with all the powers of your mind.

CHRISTIAN
Uh—OK, got it.

WANDA
I’m now going to enter into a psychical channel to hear the letter that your mind is speaking.

CHRISTIAN
If you say so.

WANDA closes her eyes and focuses intently.

WANDA
Hostis humani generis. Laetificat gloria, Ad Satanis!

CHRISTIAN
Whoa, whoa, what was that last thing?

WANDA
Quiet, you’ll disturb the process.

CHRISTIAN
What are you doing right now?

WANDA
I’m channeling Satan, shut up.

CHRISTIAN
Wait a minute, you’re channeling Satan? On my show?

WANDA
Well, I’m trying.

CHRISTIAN
That’s completely inappropriate! I don’t want Satan on my program.

WANDA
Well don’t worry, because you just blew the whole communication.

CHRISTIAN
Oh, well good. I didn’t know Satan was involved.

WANDA
How do you think mind-reading works? Magical pixies and fairy dusts?

CHRISTIAN
I don’t know.

WANDA
Don’t be so naïve. It’s just a little elementary black magic, I don’t know what you’re so scared of.

CHRISTIAN
Satan. I’m scared of Satan. I don’t want Satan peering into my soul, what if he doesn’t leave?

WANDA
What do you think, Satan’s just going to lounge around in your mind? He’s a busy demon, he’s got better things to do than watch you imagine what people would look like if they weren’t wearing clothes.

CHRISTIAN
How did you know I’m doing that?

WANDA
Oh my God, really? You do that? I had no idea, I was just trying to insult you.

CHRISTIAN
Oh God! It’s like you can see directly into my soul!

WANDA
It was just a hunch. Wait, wait, let me try again. Are you thinking of—pizza?

CHRISTIAN
No. Thank God. Wait a minute. I am now! Oh no!

WANDA
Yes! Yes, I can do it! Thank you, Satan, thank you!

CHRISTIAN
Don’t you thank Satan on my show!

CHRISTIAN reaches under his desk and pulls out a crucifix. WANDA is indifferent.

WANDA
What?

CHRISTIAN
Doesn’t this work?

WANDA
I was raised Catholic.

CHRISTIAN
Oh. Uh—could you please leave, then?

WANDA
Ask Satan.

CHRISTIAN
Do I have to?

WANDA
Yes.

CHRISTIAN
Fine. Are you there, Satan? It’s me, Christian. Could you please ask Wanda to leave?

WANDA
He says he wants the mug.

CHRISTIAN
Fine, just take it and go.