Mail! Room! Mitch!

CHRISTIAN
It’s about time for one of your favorite regular segments. So tonight, let’s open up the BU Tonight Mailbag!

We hear a whistle.

CHRISTIAN
Wuh oh! I know that whistle. It’s—

AUDIENCE
Mail! Room! Mitch!

NEW MAILMAN enters.

CHRISTIAN
Wait just a gosh durned second. You’re not Mailroom Mitch.

AUDIENCE
Mail! Room! Whoooo?

MAILMAN
Mailroom Mitch couldn’t be here. He was stung by a bee.

CHRISTIAN
Is he OK?

MAILMAN
He’s dead.

We hear another whistle. MAILMAN drops the mail on CHRISTIAN’s desk.

CHRISTIAN
Thanks, Mitch! Wherever you are. All right, let’s see what we’ve got here. Electrical bills, bills, more bills, Netflix, hmm, not too much BU Tonight mail—oh here we go! Here’s one from a CGS student. “Stop making fun of us. We’re—smrat?" Wuh oh, check that spell checker, CGS kid!

CHRISTIAN laughs almost uncontrollably. He falls out of his chair.

CHRISTIAN
Well it looks like that’s it.

AUDIENCE
Awwww.

CHRISTIAN
Let’s keep going anyway!

AUDIENCE
Sto! Len! Mail!

CHRISTIAN
That’s right, folks! Here’s a letter for our stage manager Maryann!

MARYANN
What? Give me that.

CHRISTIAN
Wuh oh! It says here, your boyfriend doesn’t want to pay for the abortion!

MARYANN
That’s my mail!

AUDIENCE
A! Bor! Tion! Stone! The! Whore!

CHRISTIAN
OK, moving right along. Here’s a letter for our own Mailroom Mitch!

Whistle.

AUDIENCE
Mail! Room! Mitch!

CHRISTIAN
It’s from Mitch’s doctor. “Dear Mitch. Your tests came back and you are in fact very allergic to bees. Do not take the trip to Beeville Honey Farm this weekend.”

Whistle.

AUDIENCE
Mail! Room! Mitch!

CHRISTIAN eats the letter.

CHRISTIAN
OK, our last piece of mail is a package with no return address! Let’s open it up here. Wuh oh!

Whistle.

CHRISTIAN
It’s Mailroom Mitch’s head!

AUDIENCE
Mail! Room! Mitch! Mail! Room! Mitch!

CHRISTIAN pulls the severed head out of the box. He holds it above his head and begins a primitive pagan dance.

CUT TO

The audience, howling and dancing and swaying back and forth. They scream and bow, worshiping Mitch as their god. Someone begins speaking in tongues, another falls into a convulsive fit.

COMMERCIAL