Dating service video questionnaire

OK, why don't you start off by telling us a little bit about yourself.

All right, my name is Danny Kannberg. I am 25 years old. I dropped out of Northwestern University, uh, a few years ago. The government thinks I'm unemployed, but, heh, that's not exactly the case. As of right this moment, I am trying to make it big on the Hearts circuit.

The--the what?

Oh, the Hearts circuit. You know, the card game?

Oh, right, right. I've played that on my computer--that one?

Well, yes and no. I mean the rules are the same, but of course you're not really playing against the championship calibre of the opponents I see in any average Hearts tournament. I mean, even the bottom rung is pretty much head and shoulders above the casual computer Hearts player. It's like thinking you can be a professional basketball player because you played NBA Jam.

Well, I didn't mean to--

Oh, I know. It's just--I'm sorry, I get a little defensive sometimes, because people don't really take it seriously. Which is awful, you know? Because it's a real thing. And Hearts is my passion, really.

Sure, sure.

Although I should say, I don't necessarily need a girl--uh, woman who's interested in Hearts. I mean, I can separate--those two parts of my life, easily. I have no trouble with that. That's my career--or I'd like it to be my career someday, haven't really made much change off it yet, you know. But I don't need to take it home with me or anything like that. Even if you tried, you probably wouldn't be able to beat me anyway so--no worries there.

Uh--great. So you've told us a little bit about yourself. Now why don't you describe your perfect mate.

Oh, perfect mate, perfect mate, sure. Uh--she needs to be smart. Or--quick, at least. Quick on her feet. And she needs to be strong, emotionally strong. And I'd like her to be respectful.

All right. If you could have dinner with any three people, who would they be?

Living or dead?

Either way.

So, could I also have a mixed group then?

Um, yes. Just--answer the question in any way you please. There are no right or wrong answers.

All right. Dinner party. I would choose--Gandhi. Shakespeare. And the Wright Brothers.

That's--you know what, never mind we'll just--

What?

No, no, it's nothing. Let's--

Oh, wait. I get it, that's four isn't it.

It's fine, you don't--

No, I want to get this right, after all. Uh--I guess I would only need one Wright brother. Hmm. I'll take Wilbur.

OK. Great. So--what do you think your personal heaven would be like?

I don't believe in God, to be honest. I think he's a crutch. Upon whom the weak depend to get them through this clusterfuck of a world.

Please, no profanity.

Oh, sorry, right. What was the question again?

Your personal heaven.

I don't believe in heaven. I think that after we die, our brain shuts down, and everything we think of as our self, or our consciousness, or whatever word you want to use--uh--it all just ceases to exist. And we just crumble into dirt and dust.

Well but--just--what would your heaven be like?

I don't believe--

I understand that, but let's say there is an afterlife.

Why?

Just--

What's the point, you know? That's what I say. What's the point in fooling ourselves?

It's not meant to fool you, it's just--trying to get an idea of what kinds of things you enjoy. What would your--if you could fashion your eternal paradise and live there for the rest of eternity after you've died--what would your personal heaven be like?

To tell you the truth, I'm very much looking forward to nonexistence. I embrace the release of death.

OK. Let's just move--what was your worst date?

Ran her over.

--I'm--I'm sorry?

I ran her over in my car.

Oh. Uh--how did that--

You know, could we just move on to the next one?

Yes, sure.

Because it's just--it was a bad moment, I'd rather forget it.

I understand, I understand. So why don't you describe your best date instead.

Oh. Uh--well before I ran her over, we had a really nice time. We played mini golf.

All right--last question. Why would someone want to date you?

Oh, a little bit of a softball, eh? [long pause]

Yes?

No, I'm thinking. [long pause] I'm a really good singer.