Hasheem Thabeet scouting report

[nbadraft.net currently projects Thabeet as the #10 overall pick, by the Chicago Bulls. This means either nbadraft.net has a very low opinion of the Chicago Bulls front office, or that the fine people at nbadraft.net are morons who have never seen a second of Hasheem Thabeet basketball. To help make their projections more accurate, here is my scouting report of Hasheem Thabeet.]

HASHEEM THABEET
Center
7'3", 265 lbs.
Age: 20
Hometown: Tanzania

SIMILARITIES: Life-size cardboard cutout of Dikembe Mutumbo; Mop
STRENGTHS: Has good height. His tallness cannot be taught. Two arms; two legs. Outstanding length. When he stands, he is very tall. Quality altitude. Possesses hands. His verticality is a plus. He is tall.
WEAKNESSES: Cannot shoot, pass, set screens, rebound, make an aggressive move to the rim, post-up, run, catch the ball, hold the ball, score or defend. Seems to be unaware of even the most basic rules and strategies of basketball. Often has trouble standing on two feet. Has been known to be knocked over by aggressive centers, inadvertent backhanded slaps to the forehead and particularly powerful blasts of air conditioning. Allowing him to touch the ball in a halfcourt offense seems to rip a hole in the space-time continuum, as the ball instantly appears in the arms of an opposing player who starts a fast break. Was once knocked unconscious by a ladybug. Makes Travis Knight look like a tough motherfucker. Makes Rebecca Lobo look like a tough motherfucker. May be blind.
SUMMARY: As an NBA prospect, Thabeet is perhaps the most highly regarded corpse since Len Bias.