Brian Williams

BRIAN WILLIAMS: Kid! Hey, kid!



HARRIED INTERN: Yes, sir!


BRIAN WILLIAMS: Go get me a raw egg.



HARRIED INTERN: Yes sir, right away.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: WAIT I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING MORE.



HARRIED INTERN: Sir?


BRIAN WILLIAMS: Sorry to shout, my professional newsman's throat is coiled like a snake and sometimes it pounces without warning.



HARRIED INTERN: I understand.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: The more I think of it, the more I would like six to eight raw eggs.



HARRIED INTERN: On my way, Mr. Williams, Sir.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: WAIT!



HARRIED INTERN: Sir?


BRIAN WILLIAMS: Don't call me Sir, or Mr. Williams. We're all friends here. I would like it if you would instead call me Brian Williams.



HARRIED INTERN: Sure thing si--I mean, Brian Williams.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: All right, go on, I need my protein.



HARRIED INTERN: I'll be right back with those eggs, Brian Williams.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: All rightee.

...

I bet I could lift this desk.



HARRIED INTERN: I couldn't find six eggs, so I brought you five eggs and twelve live chickens, Brian Williams.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: Hmm. Are any of these chickens planning on having any eggs before my six o'clock broadcast?



HARRIED INTERN: I'm not sure, but I figure there should be one coming soon, between the twelve of them, Brian Williams.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: I suppose we'll have to wait.



HARRIED INTERN: I guess so, Brian Williams.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: In the meantime, is there anything you'd like to see me lift?



HARRIED INTERN: Uh, what?


BRIAN WILLIAMS: I'm ripped. Watch me lift this large camera.

BRIAN WILLIAMS LIFTS A CAMERA.



HARRIED INTERN: Wow. I had--no idea.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: I lift. Press. On the weekends, and every weeknight as well.



HARRIED INTERN: That's great, Brian Williams.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: I find it very satisfying. It gets my adrenaline flowing. That's why some nights you'll notice it looks like that I am going to slam the news through the camera with sheer brute force. The lifting is why. That and my high protein diet.



HARRIED INTERN: That's great, Brian Williams.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: Yeah. Well while I wait for this sixth egg, you mind scaring up a couple flapjacks?



HARRIED INTERN: Right away, Brian Williams.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: WAIT DON'T GO I HAVE ONE THING MORE TO TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.



HARRIED INTERN: What's that?


BRIAN WILLIAMS: No need to be so formal. We're all friends here. You may call me by my nickname, Tricep Williams.



HARRIED INTERN: What?


BRIAN WILLIAMS: People call me Tricep Williams, because it sounds so much like Brian Williams, all the time. Especially my wife and my two huge children.



HARRIED INTERN: Oh, well if that's OK with you--Tricep Williams.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE. I'm sorry, I like that name a lot and sometimes it makes me laugh.



HARRIED INTERN: I understand, Tricep Williams.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: HEE HEE. Anyway, like I said, my kids are ripped. I bet they could both lift more than you.



HARRIED INTERN: I haven't lifted many things, Tricep Williams.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: Hey, you think I could lift that camera?



HARRIED INTERN: You already lifted that camera, Tricep Williams.

TRICEP WILLIAMS LIFTS THE CAMERA AGAIN.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: OH FUCK YES.



HARRIED INTERN: I'll get those flapjacks for you right away, Tricep Williams.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: WAIT DON'T GO JUST YET I WOULD LIKE TO RUN AN IDEA BY YOU VERY QUICKLY FIRST.



HARRIED INTERN: What's the idea, Tricep Williams?


BRIAN WILLIAMS: I am tired of waiting for these chickens to lay an egg. Perhaps if I selected one at random and squeezed her, I could make the egg process roll along a little faster, because I am so huge. What do you say?


CHICKEN: Cluck.



HARRIED INTERN: I'm not sure if that would work.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: Well what say we give it a try irregardless, yes?


HARRIED INTERN: I suppose.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: Come here, my feathered acquaintance!


CHICKEN: CLUCK.

TRICEP WILLIAMS BEGINS SQUEEZING THE CHICKEN.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: No need to fear, Daisy! I can feel the egg percolating at just this very moment! Only a few more squeezes and we'll be finished.

THE CHICKEN EXPLODES.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: Well golly, that didn't work.



HARRIED INTERN: No, I guess not, Tricep Williams.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: I do believe that was a rooster. Well, no use crying over spilt chickens. Please procure some flapjacks for me, if you would be so kind.



HARRIED INTERN: I'll get right on it.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: You do that. AND ALSO FIND ANOTHER CAMERA FOR ME TO LIFT, IF YOU CAN, OR FAILING THAT A COPIER OR FAX MACHINE.



HARRIED INTERN: Will do, Tricep Williams.


BRIAN WILLIAMS: Boy am I hungry, I should have also asked him for an ear of corn.