Charity Auction

AUCTIONEER: Good evening, good evening. Welcome to the 8th annual Fireman's Charity Auction, where we auction things to benefit local firefighters.

[Polite applause.]

AUCTIONEER: Before we begin, I'd like everyone to give a warm round of applause to this can of soda pop.

[AUCTIONEER gestures to an empty table. Polite applause.]

AUCTIONEER: Our first item is this hunk of quartz.

[AUCTIONEER holds up a hunk of quartz. Polite applause.]

AUCTIONEER: Do I hear forty cents?
MAN: I'll bid seventy-five cents.
AUCTIONEER: Sold, for fifty dollars.

[AUCTIONEER hands MAN a roll of masking tape and kisses him on the lips.]

AUCTIONEER: Well, the 12th Annual Policeman's Charity Auction is almost over.

[Bemused applause. A buzzer sounds.]

AUCTIONEER: Wuh oh! You know what that means!

[AUCTIONEER throws a handful of keys into the audience.]

AUCTIONEER: All right. Well, the 572nd annual Police and Fireman's Charity Auction is almost over.

[Enraged applause.]

AUCTIONEER: Our next item is these magnetic teeth.

[AUCTIONEER holds up dentures filled with teeth made of magnets.]

WOMAN: I want magnet teeth!

[AUCTIONEER fires a warning shot into the air.]

AUCTIONEER: Let's start the bidding at one dollar.
MAN 2: I'll bid ninety-nine cents!
AUCTIONEER: Sold! To me, for ninety-eight cents!

[AUCTIONEER pockets the teeth. Enraptured applause.]

AUCTIONEER: This is almost the end of the 0th annual Mailman's Charity Auction.

[Silence.]

AUCTIONEER: The final item up for auction is Redemption.

[AUCTIONEER holds up a wicker basket. Unyielding applause. AUCTIONEER turns into a ladybug.]