The Decline of Bob Kaufman, as chronicled by his commercials for Bob's Discount Furniture

MAR 16 2006
[BOB and CATHY, in a luxurious living room, in front of a series of recliners.]
BOB: My Bob's recliners come in oodles of styles, sizes and colors.
CATHY: Plush leather, comfortable cushions, in every color under the sun! If you can make a recliner out of it, we have it! There's just one problem, Bob! I don't know how to choose!
BOB: Why choose? We have not one, not two, not three, not four, not five--but six kinds of recliners, only $299 a piece! Get 'em all and keep 'em for friends and other unexpected guests!
[Children and other happy people rush into the living room, each choosing a recliner.]
BOB: Proof again, I can't be beat, I won't be beat, no way, no how! I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!

APR 1 2006
[A dresser magically opens and closes its drawers over music.]
BOB (V.O.): A dresser like this would cost you at least $799. At my Bob's Discount Furniture, you can get a whole set for $799! And the this thing positively huge! Fit all your shirts in one drawer! And that's before your wife crams her lousy clothes in there because she's "out of closet space." But you won't feel any resentment, because there's plenty of room for anyone! You can count on it.

APR 22 2006
[BOB and CATHY reclining on separate levels of a child's bunk bed.]
CATHY: What a mattress! This is just as comfortable as my own bed!
BOB: That's right. At Bob's Discount Furniture, we believe that your children have as much of a right to a good night's sleep as you or I. That's why we sell bunk beds like this one with only the highest quality mattresses.
CATHY: Kids are little people too.
BOB: That's right. Some people don't understand that kids are a big responsibility. Some people think that you just have kids that raise themselves.
CATHY: Uh--without comfortable mattresses, right?
BOB: What?

MAY 8 2006
[BOB, at a long island counter, sitting on a bar stool with a bottle of whiskey in his hand.]
BOB: THIS BAR STOOL--excuse me, I'm shott--I'm shou--I'm shou-ting. Shouting. Uh--this bar stool, will cost only...I don't f*cking know, twenty hndred bucks. Twenty hn--hundred! And it'll never never ever desert you! It'll never take its sh*t out of yer house and MOVE TO YER MOTHERS AND LAWS! I'm shouting. I'm shouting, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[CATHY rushes on screen.]
CATHY: Uh, Bob? Bob? You hanging in there?
BOB: Who--WHO ARE YOU?
CATHY: This bar stool actually costs $79.
BOB: $79? No sh*t! We're frr--we're fffrrrr--wow, what was I saying?

JUN 3 2006
[Graceful overhead shot of BOB, arms and legs spread, on a king-size mattress. The camera gracefully circles around the bed. BOB's eyes are puffy and his nose is red; he has been crying. When he speaks, he sounds out of breath.]
BOB: My king-size mattress is--so big. So...so big. Bigger than you can handle, if I'm being honest. It's just so--[whispering] I can't see to the other side. I can't see to the other side! [shouting] I CAN'T SEE TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MATTRESS! It's like...it's like a--plateau! God, the space is so vast. WHO NEEDS THIS MUCH BED!
[CATHY rushes to stand next to the bed.]
CATHY: Why don't you tell them about the other features, Bob?
BOB: Oh Cathy. Oh God, Cathy. Please, join me on the bed.
CATHY: Uh, I don't think--
BOB: Please, I just need someone next to me right now.
CATHY: I don't know what my husband would think about--
BOB: No, God no, it's nothing sexual, I could never--you're too thin, I just--just take up space, please. This mattress is so...so...f*cking vast. It never ends. IT. NEVER. EN--
CATHY: OK, Bob.
[CATHY quickly sits on the edge of the bed. BOB beholds her, mouth open, as if he were witnessing the Immaculate Conception.]

JUN 30 2006
[BOB stares into a mirror on top of an oak dresser. Still for ten seconds. His bottom lip quivers ever so slightly. Five seconds. Suddenly, he punches the mirror, shattering it. The glass falls out of the frame.]
BOB: WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[BOB looks at his fist. He notices it is bleeding. He turns to the camera, showing the bloody fingers, smiling maniacally. He begins laughing.]
BOB: Look! Look upon this fist! I BLEED! I AM MAN!

JUL 9 2006
[BOB, sitting on a bare soundstage, in a folding chair. He is under a spotlight.]
BOB: I have nothing left. I have...I sold all my furniture. Empty stores. I own 28 empty stores. But they're all still open! Because I need...God, I don't know. I don't know what I need, you know? I'm just...so lonely. Just so. F*cking. Lonely.
[BOB looks at the ground. He rubs his eyes.]
BOB: Just come on down. Please? I just--I need someone to talk to. Someone to connect with, I need someone to understand me. So...come on down. Please? Come on down?