The Ugly One

A group of waiters, sitting around a table in an empty restaurant before it opens.

SAM
So why did Mr. Middlefield call this meeting?

ARTHUR
I don't know. He just told me it was an emergency, and didn't tell me anything else.

HARRY
Yeah, same here.

TY
Where's Zach?

SAM
He had this week off, I haven't seen him since the last time he was in.

MIDDLEFIELD enters.

MIDDLEFIELD
Gentlemen.

WAITERS
Hi, Mr. Middlefield.

SAM
What's this about?

MIDDLEFIELD
Where's Zach?

TY
He's not in yet.

MIDDLEFIELD
Well we can't wait for him. I just got this review in from the Globe.

HARRY
Why should we care about the reviews?

MIDDLEFIELD
Because, it's about you.

ARTHUR
Us?

SAM
The wait staff?

MIDDLEFIELD
"Service was punctual and the wait staff was receptive to our needs and quick to react."

TY
That's good, isn't it?

MIDDLEFIELD
There's more. "This somewhat mitigated the fact that the staff at 'M's' is by far the ugliest in the city."

HARRY
What's that supposed to mean?

TY
That's kind of a low blow.

SAM
Ugliest?

MIDDLEFIELD
The ugliest in the city.

HARRY
Well those people can just go to hell.

MIDDLEFIELD
No they can't, this is a serious problem.

TY
This is a joke, right?

MIDDLEFIELD
Here's the thing. Studies show that if a restaurant hires just one hunky employee, that changes the public perception of the entire staff. So I hired some dumb model type this morning, but we don't have the budget for another waiter. So the ugliest one of you has to go.

WAITERS look at each other, trying to determine who among them is the ugliest. Eventually, everyone settles their gaze on ARTHUR.

ARTHUR
Don't look at me. I'm the ugly one! That's my thing!

CUT TO

MIDDLEFIELD, acting as host.

MIDDLEFIELD
OK, just the two of you? We can seat you right now, follow me.

MAN
Actually, can we get a table with the ugly waiter?

MIDDLEFIELD
That'll be a 50 minute wait.

WOMAN
No problem!

Back to the meeting.

ALL
That's true. He is the ugly one. That's his gimmick, etc.

MIDDLEFIELD
OK, you're safe, Arthur. We know you're the ugly one. But I've hired this meathead and now one of you uggos has to go.

TY
Well, that just doesn't sound fair!

HARRY
Ty should go.

SAM
I say Ty.

ARTHUR
Agreed.

TY
Hey!

MIDDLEFIELD
Boys! Take this seriously! We're going to have a secret ballot to determine who really is the ugliest. Now take these slips of paper--

The bell on the door rings. ZACH enters.

ZACH
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late for the meeting.

Everyone looks at ZACH to say hello, and suddenly stops. They look at him. ZACH has two black eyes, a fat lip, large cuts on his cheeks and blood that has dried out of one nostril and around his mouth, down onto his chin. His hair is disheveled. He is missing a tooth or two. He smiles, oblivious.

TY
Good God, Zach!

HARRY
Did you get into a car accident?

ZACH
What are you guys talking about?

MIDDLEFIELD
Are you OK? Sit down, sit down.

ZACH
I'm fine, really. What are you guys fussing about?

ARTHUR
You don't know?

ZACH
Are you guys messing with me?

MIDDLEFIELD
What happened to your face? Did you fall? Or get in an accident?

ZACH
No! I've just been sitting around the house, I got ready for work and I walked here.

SAM
What's that blood from?

ZACH
What blood?

HARRY
What do you mean, "what blood?"

ARTHUR
Out of your nose, and around your mouth! And you're cut, and you have black eyes!

ZACH, confused, reaches up to his face. He touches the dried blood, which cracks.

ZACH
Oh my God, what happened?

MIDDLEFIELD
It's all right, we'll just clean you up. Did you get into an accident on the way to work?

ZACH
No, I told you. No. I don't--I don't know what it is.

HARRY
Did you get into a fistfight?

ZACH
No. Well, yeah--three days ago.

ARTHUR
Three days ago?

ZACH
Yeah. At a bar, after work. I got beat up pretty bad, but--

SAM
You haven't looked in a mirror for three days?

ZACH
Of course I have!

MIDDLEFIELD
Zach, how is that possible?

ZACH
I'm sure of it! Of course, I look in the mirror every day to comb my hair.

ZACH, just thinking of something, reaches into his hair. He finds it dry and out of place. He pulls a piece of straw out of it.

ZACH
Gah!

MIDDLEFIELD
You must have hit your head, Zach.

ZACH
No. No, I didn't.

SAM
Well what happened?

HARRY.
Oh. Oh.

MIDDLEFIELD
What is it, Harry?

HARRY
I think I might know what happened. Remember how you had us over for drinks on Thursday?

ZACH
Yeah?

CUT TO

HARRY, in ZACH's bathroom, giggling. He takes the mirror off the wall and replaces it with a (much smaller) photograph of ZACH, looking his best, smiling.

LATER

ZACH checks his hair in the mirror. The part is crooked, but he sees the picture and decides his hair is perfectt. He winks at himself and exits.

LATER

ZACH, waking up in the morning, with incredible bedhead. Again, the mirror says otherwise. He smiles and exits.

LATER

ZACH wearing a baseball hat. He checks to see if there is anything between his teeth.

ZACH
Wasn't I wearing a hat just now?

LATER

ZACH, right after the fight. In addition to his scrapes, he is dripping with beer and there are three chicken wings and a shrimp in his hair. He sees the picture and slicks back the hair, effectively moving the shrimp.

ZACH
You sly dog, you. Guess you got the best of that guy.

Back in the restaurant.

ZACH
This is all your fault!

HARRY
It was just a prank.

ZACH
Oh my God. I saw my parents this weekend. My mother started crying when she saw me. I had a date, you know!

HARRY
Well, when was it?

ZACH looks at his watch.

MIDDLEFIELD
All right, that's enough. Zach, you're clearly the ugliest person here. You're fired.

ZACH
What?

Everyone looks down. ZACH throws acid in MIDDLEFIELD's face and moves to the roof of the restaurant, where he builds a nest and subsists off birds who are unfortunate enough to land near his new home.