Comedy 101: Unit 2: Seed

Seed as a comedic tool originated at the turn of the twentieth century and reached its peak at the height of the Dust Bowl. Traveling entertainers would roam the impoverished countryside, pretending to sell seed before diving headfirst into a slapstick act of feigned incompetence, often ending with a large sack of “100% Premium Quality Seed” torn open and scattered in the dust, to the delight of onlookers. The performer would then pull a pistol out of his coat and demand a dime from each member of the unsuspecting audience.

Comedy has come a long way since its early days of debauchery and armed robbery, and the seed has come a long way with it. The seed has seen its ups and its downs—it almost disappeared from comedy forever in the ‘60s when counterculturalists decided that its “mockery” was a “symptom of the oppressive industrialized machinery of power exploiting and denigrating the agrarian ideal of an open, loving, sharing communistic society”—but today it is enjoying an unprecedented renewal. But its somewhat checkered history means that using it correctly is more important than ever. This unit will teach you how.

2.1 How does the plural form work?
The magic of seed lies mostly in its plural form. “Seed” is just one seed, “seeds” are a handful, but a large mass of the stuff is also “seed.” Whenever possible, avoid using “seeds” and stick to “seed.” It is funnier every time.

DON’T SAY:
My mother-in-law’s constant harassment makes me feel like I’m drowning in seeds.
DO SAY:
My mother-in-law’s constant harassment makes me feel like I’m drowning in seed.

Can you hear the difference just reading those sentences for yourself? If you still don’t see, try reading them out loud. Using “seeds” makes it sound a bathtub full of seeds. Using “seed” makes it sound like the whole world is seed. Much funnier.

2.2 How much seed is too much seed?
Amateurs and those unpracticed in comedy writing often grow tentative working with seed for the first time. One of the most common seed-related mistakes is to worry that “I’ve already made a lot of seed jokes in a very short period of time. How do I know when to stop?”

Here’s a helpful rule of thumb: DON’T STOP. If you are writing a play, don’t stop referencing seed until the managers of the theater close the curtains and turn up the house lights. If you are writing a novel, fill the pages with seed after seed after seed. If you are writing a sitcom, you shouldn’t go more than three pages without having a character say, “is there any seed around here?” or “I’ll bet you a barrow of seed!”

Writers who are attached to their original idea may find that this dedication to seed is disheartening, and that the original intention of the piece has been lost. To these writers, I say: so what? The most important part of the writing process is reappraising your work as you go along, so that you can find the most effective way to make your audience laugh. And the simple fact is, there is nothing that will make your audience laugh more than seed.

2.3 I’ve followed your advice and added a lot of seed. Would it be a good idea to mix things up with few nuts?
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.

2.4 Examples
“I never liked airplane food until they stopped giving it to me. Last time I had a flight, they didn’t even give me a snack. I went nuts. I grabbed a flight attendant by the shirt and started screaming, ‘I KNOW THERE’S A STOCKPILE OF SEED IN THE BACK OF THIS PLANE! LEAD ME TO THE SEED!’”

“DEBRA
Ray, why are you eating your mother’s lasagna? I’m making dinner!

RAY
Oh, I—forgot.

[laugh track]

MARIE
Debra, Raymond is hungry. He’s a growing boy and he needs to eat!

RAY
I'm a growing boy.

[laugh track]

MARIE
(to RAY)
Here, dear. Would you like some seed?

ROBERT
Ma, I asked for seed an hour ago and you never gave me a thing!

[laugh track]

RAY
With a gut like that, the last thing you need is more seed. You’ve got more seed than a silo.

[prolonged laugh track with scattered clapping]"

“CHRISTIAN
Jeff, why don't you come up and give a speech about how great I am?

JEFF
Uh…

CHRISTIAN
Do it. Do it now, Jeff!

JEFF, frightened, walks up to the podium.

JEFF
Um. Well. Christian sure is a self-center—

MUSIC cuts off JEFF.

CHRISTIAN
Wow, thanks Jeff! You sure are a backstabbing jerk who is ungrateful for all the things I've given you!

CHRISTIAN hands JEFF a gift basket.

CHRISTIAN
Here's your gift basket. It's full of seed!

JEFF
[Upset]
There’s no seed in this basket!

CHRISTIAN
All right, take your seat.

JEFF
Take my seed?

CHRISTIAN
Your SEAT!

JEFF
So there won't be any seeds.

CHRISTIAN
No.

JEFF leaves, seedless.

CHRISTIAN
Our next award goes to the BU Tonight staffer who has consumed the most seed over the past year. And the winner is—Christian Lynch!

BEN
(storming out of his seat, approaching the podium)
Bullshit! I’ve eaten more seed in the past hour than you have in your entire life!

CHRISTIAN
Forget it, Ben. I bet you don’t even know what a seed looks like.

BEN
Of course I know what a seed looks like, shithead!

CHRISTIAN
Oh yeah? Well then draw one!

DANCER enters, holding a large pad and a marker, a’la ‘Win, Lose or Draw.’

CHRISTIAN
All right, Ben. You have thirty seconds to draw a seed, starting—now!

BEN takes the marker and stares at the pad. He is stumped. Uneasily, he begins drawing something. It is a sun. He looks at CHRISTIAN, who starts shaking his head and smiling. BEN gives the sun a pair of sunglasses.

CHRISTIAN
Get the hell out of here, Ben! And don’t come back until you’ve gotten me a big package of ‘I’m sorry’ seed!

BEN leaves, ashamed.”

2.5 End of Unit Quiz
1) If you are presented a large pad and a marker, which should you draw?
a. sun
b. sun with sunglasses
c. seed with sunglasses
d. seed

2) How much seed is too much?
a. any seed
b. a silo’s worth
c. no such thing as too much seed
d. SEED SEED SEED SEED

3) Which setting is the best for a gripping crime drama?
a. seed farm
b. seed trough
c. seed silo
d. seedy nightclub
e. all of the above