Home Depot preemployment quiz

I had to fill out something like this a couple years ago when I was applying to be a parking lot attendant. I think it was supposed to test your ethics, but you figure that's just intuitive, and there were no obvious right or wrong answers on this test. Most of the time, it seemed like this should have been given to me after I had been trained and actually learned all this stuff. I did not pass.

MULTIPLE CHOICE:
Q: You see a forklift driver carrying what you believe to be too large a load for the forklift to handle. What do you do?
a) Tell your supervisor about the problem.
b) Warn the forklift driver that his load is too large.
c) Warn the forklift driver's supervisor, so that he can consider the problem.
d) Do nothing, because you know nothing about forklifts or their ideal loads.
e) Throw yourself in front of the forklift to save the life of a small baby who has fallen in front of it.

Q: A co-worker tells you that he has been stealing merchandise and asks if you would like to help. What should you do?
a) Tell your supervisor immediately.
b) Tell your co-worker's supervisor immediately.
c) Tell your co-worker that stealing is wrong, and warn him that you are going to tell either your or his supervisor.
d) Tell every supervisor in the store.
e) Agree to take part in the operation, gain his trust, spend several months collecting evidence and breaking through the ring's inner circle so that you can bring down the kingpin. And then, when the case gets lost in the overwhelming bureaucracy of the local police department, kill the mob boss and a bunch of his cronies yourself before you are cut down in a blaze of glory fighting for what's right.

Q: A customer asks you what kind of sink she should buy. You are not sure, because you have never had to buy a sink, because people rarely have to buy sinks, especially teenagers working for minimum wage such as yourself. What do you do?
a) Point the customer to a more knowledgeable employee who can help your customer find what she needs.
b) Point the customer to the kind of sink you have in your house, since you know it works well.
c) Recommend Home Depot's most expensive sink, even though you don't work on commission, because this will be the best for Home Depot, and the most expensive sink is likely the best anyway.
d) Point the customer to a more knowledgeable employee who can help your customer find what she needs, and then go home and read your goddamn "Home Depot Complete Merchandise Guide" a little more closely so you won't make such an ass of yourself the next time, yeah?
e) Ask the woman if she needs to buy a door, since you know all about different kinds of doors.

Q: You notice an awful smell coming from the bathroom. What do you do?
a) If you clean it, because that is the courteous thing to do, turn to page 32 in your test book.
b) If you get the janitor, because cleaning the mess is his job and you are not on break, turn to page 97 in your test book.
c) If you take your break now so that you can spend it helping the janitor clean the mess, turn to page 14 in your test book.

[32
You walk towards the stall from which the awful stench is emanating. Halfway across the bathroom door, you see a candlestick. "That's strange," you think, and you pick it up and put it next to the trash can.

You open the stall door. Sitting on the toilet is a rotting corpse. His head has been bludgeoned. Just as you back away from the stall in shock, the police break into the bathroom.

"You're under arrest for the murder of this man!" shouts one of the officers.

"But I didn't do it!" you protest. "I just got here and found the body!"

"A likely story," the police sneer. One of the officers picks up the candlestick. "We've got your fingerprints all over the murder weapon!"

Back at the station, you are beaten mercilessly and die several days later from internal bleeding.

THE END]

[97
"Excuse me, janitor?" you say.

"What is it, kid?"

"There's a horrible smell coming from the bathroom," you say. "I have to get back to work, so I think you'd better take a look."

Suddenly, the janitor begins shaking strangely. He grabs onto the wall.

"What's happening?" you yell.

The janitor explodes...or so it appears! The smoke clears and you see that it was not a janitor at all--it was the spider-alien-robot thing from your dream!

"RECEIVING TRANSMISSION FROM HOME PLANET," says the spider-alien-robot in his spider-alien-robot voice.

"What is this?" you call out, scared. "Where's Mr. Watkins?"

"THE ONE YOU CALL MR. WATKINS IS ONE OF US," says the spider-alien-robot. Suddenly, he grows an octopus tentacle and grabs you and eats you, just like in your dream.

THE END]

[14

"Mr. Watkins?" you say. "I'm taking my break right now. If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom, helping the janitor clean up.

"Great!" says Mr. Watkins. "Thanks for letting me know, and thanks for your considerate and responsible attitude!"

You head back to the bathroom so you can get back to that mess when a lawnmower falls from the top shelf and kills you on the spot.

THE END]

SHORT ANSWER:
Q: List six easy ways that you can make Home Depot 200% more profitable in the coming business quarter as a parking lot attendant.

Q: How can you quell the sectarian violence in Iraq, all while reducing troop levels to near-zero in the region, destroying what remains of Al Qaeda and the Taliban and Afghanistan, appease our alienated European allies, sustain zero casualties or civilian deaths and contain the threat posed by a nuclear Iran?

Q: When did you stop beating your wife?

REFERENCES:
Please list twenty-five references (at least ten character references, ten professional references and ten people you have never met or spoken to with no overlaps. DO NOT LIST MORE THAN TWENTY-FIVE PEOPLE.)

MISSION STATEMENT:
Please affix your personal mission statement (15000-20000 words) here.

Your test will be evaluated by a panel of 200 employment experts from major universities around the country. If your application is expected, expect to hear back from us in 12-18 months, at which point you will begin our 15-step interview process. Thank you for applying, and we look forward to having you on our Home Depot team!