Ben Vs. Piety (or More The Same Than Ever)

ShrimpSar (11:03:27 PM): getting you into literature can only be a good thing
ShrimpSar (11:03:31 PM): we might turn you into a real boy yet
balexsimpson (11:05:06 PM): i hope not
balexsimpson (11:05:15 PM): I don't want to grow up!
ShrimpSar (11:04:36 PM): well you don't have to be an adult just yet, let's start with giving you a sense of humanity first
balexsimpson (11:06:20 PM): please, I spent an hour fucking around with a relgious nut today
ShrimpSar (11:05:19 PM): haha what do you mean "fucking around"
balexsimpson (11:07:00 PM): I was in line for a book signing, and I wouldn't let up
balexsimpson (11:07:13 PM): I maintained that Superman was better than Jesus
balexsimpson (11:07:30 PM): Jesus could only walk on water, not fly, and didn't have heat vision.
ShrimpSar (11:06:36 PM): my god you're worse than ever
ShrimpSar (11:06:44 PM): was the other guy taking you seriouslY?
balexsimpson (11:08:09 PM): he was trying to see the good in me
ShrimpSar (11:06:57 PM): hahahahahaha
ShrimpSar (11:07:34 PM): i assume he found it to be a futile endeavor
balexsimpson (11:09:15 PM): not even after I sat down on the sidewalk and started reading a comic book
balexsimpson (11:09:27 PM): the mockery went on over an hour and a half
balexsimpson (11:09:34 PM): the people in line behind me were loving it

[...]

balexsimpson (11:11:51 PM): I actually felt bad for him towards the end, he revealed he had to find a new place to live after he got in a disagreement with some of the other guys he shares a place with now.
balexsimpson (11:12:06 PM): No wedding ring, and from the way he spoke, theres not one in his future
ShrimpSar (11:12:27 PM): whereas after maliciously mocking this poor religious man in public i'm sure you couldn't get out of the store without being barraged by proposals from beautiful young aspiring actresses
balexsimpson (11:14:50 PM): haha, no no, I'm just saying he was a decent looking guy and seemed like he deserved better than living with other nutty christians and walking around in a suit on a hot Saturday morning talking to me
ShrimpSar (11:14:12 PM): well i can't disagree with that

[...]

balexsimpson (11:20:37 PM): the best was when I asked him if God was against TiVo
ShrimpSar (11:19:36 PM): what the hell does that mean?
balexsimpson (11:21:13 PM): the bulk of the conversation was me asking which aspects of my life God would be okay with
balexsimpson (11:21:27 PM): Halo 3 = Bad, TiVo = Probably okay
ShrimpSar (11:20:58 PM): that's really only two small facets of your personality, though
ShrimpSar (11:21:05 PM): he didn't really get to the core of your evil, i don't think
balexsimpson (11:22:37 PM): Well, I didn't need to ask about mocking homeless people
ShrimpSar (11:21:33 PM): good point, guess that goes without saying
balexsimpson (11:23:18 PM): He didn't really have a good answer for the last movie he'd seen, which reminded me of you
balexsimpson (11:23:40 PM): All he had was "I was riding my bike and saw The Jungle Book being projected on a building"

[...]

balexsimpson (11:28:21 PM): A Bentley drove buy, and the guy commented that "it's probably turbo-charged" and then said he'd sat in one about a year ago
ShrimpSar (11:27:26 PM): jesus, this is the world's saddest man
balexsimpson (11:29:17 PM): well it's because he was friends with the guy fixing it
balexsimpson (11:29:26 PM): he didn't really seem to know anything about cars
balexsimpson (11:29:34 PM): I think he was just trying to impress me

[SCENE: In line at a Los Angeles Barnes & Noble.

A MAN, early thirties wearing an old gray suit and carrying a Bible, approaches BEN. BEN is wearing a suit and tie in the sweltering heat for some reason. He is carrying a comic book.

BEN: Come on! Let's move it!
MAN: Excuse me--
BEN: Hey, no cutting, shithead.
MAN: No, no, I'm not waiting in line. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?
BEN: Fuck no.
MAN: [handing BEN a small New Testament] Perhaps you'd like to read this, and--
BEN: Listen. Why read books or the stupid Bible when I have comics. Superman was way better than Jesus.
MAN: God so loved the world that he gave his only son so that we might have eternal life in Heaven.
BEN: Superman could fly, he could lift cars over his head, he had heat vision, and he didn't even need to walk on water because he could fly over the water, which was way cooler anyway.
MAN: The Holy Spirit is alive in each one of our hearts--
BEN: Listen, shithead. If I was going to listen to any nut tell me about Jesus, it would at least be a nut who wasn't wearing such a cheap suit.
MAN: Jesus told his followers to give up all their earthly possessions to--
BEN: Nothing doing, shithead. Do you sleep in the sewers? Or just bathe there?
STRANGER 1: Hey look! It's Ben Simpson!
STRANGER 2: You mean Ben "The Shark" Simpson is here? What's he doing in a store that sells literature that has no pictures and lots of words bigger than "PZAM!"?
STRANGER 3: He's really giving it to that quiet religious guy! You tell 'im, Shark!
BEN: You know what you should be worshiping? Money. At least that way, you wouldn't be sleeping every night in your only suit.
STRANGER 1: The Shark knows how to tell it like it is!
BEN: God's a shithead anyway. You think he's doing you any good? Then why are you eating in soup kitchens and sleeping on park benches every night!
STRANGER 4: Oh, hey! It's the Shark! Is he taking bullshit from anyone?
STRANGERS 1, 2, 3: Of course not!
BEN: Do you have any idea who I am? I work for fucking Dreamworks! What's the last movie you saw, shithead?
MAN: I take comfort in the knowledge that God--
BEN: Boring!
STRANGERS: (chanting) Ben! Ben! Ben! Ben!
BEN: If Jesus was real, he'd make a movie about how awesome he was. It would be like The Island, only with more waterskis.
STRANGERS: (chanting) Ben! Ben! Ben! Ben!
BEN: I MET FUCKING ED HELMS!
STRANGERS: (spontaneously breaking into song)

Ben "The Shark" Simpson!
Tells it like it is
(BEN: Damn straight)

Ben "The Shark" Simpson!
In the mo-ovie biz!
(BEN: I run this town!)

Ben "The Shark" Simpson!
Hates those without homes!
(BEN: So I was walking to the GSU the other day--)

Ben "The Shark" Simpson!
The A-Listers he knows!
(BEN: I met Jon Favreau in a fucking bathroom!)

CHORUS:
Oh Ben! Oh Ben!
Around you, the women grow nervous!
Oh Ben! Oh Ben!
Hollywood at your service!

End song. Enter STEVEN SPIELBERG.

STEVEN SPIELBERG: Hello, Ben.
BEN: Wow! Steven Spielberg!
STEVEN SPIELBERG: I wanted to know if you would direct the next film I'm directing.
BEN: Well, Mr. Spielberg, I--

Enter BRYAN SINGER.

BRYAN SINGER: Hello, Ben.
BEN: Oh my God! Bryan Singer!
BRYAN SINGER: I was wondering if I could turn that show you came up with about the game show host or something into a full-length motion picture staring Superman. And I'd like you to write, produce, direct and star in it.
BEN: ANOTHER KNOCKOUT PUNCH FOR THE KING!

STRANGERS repeat Chorus.]