Passive aggressive advice column

Dear Chris,

My wife and I have been happily married for 23 years. But lately, she's been wearing entirely too much makeup, curling her hair and applying fake fingernails. This is not the woman I married. I am afraid she is trying to hold on to her youth and is going through some kind of crisis, but I find her new appearance downright repulsive. Is there anyway to bring up this issue while still being sensitive to her feelings? I want to tell her that I find her more beautiful without her makeup and I hate this new look, but I am afraid to broach the topic. Is there a way to be forthright while still being delicate?

Signed,
Married in Pasadena

Dear Married,

No, there is no way to be forthright while still being delicate. If you bring up the topic to her, she will most likely have a full-fledged breakdown, regress further and despise you forever for it. Instead, I suggest printing this column out and circling your question and this answer. Then, leave it "accidentally" in the printer tray and wait for your wife to find it. If a few days pass and she still has not noticed it, try "accidentally" leaving it on her pillow. If and when she confronts you about it, DENY DENY DENY.

Also, if you ever write again, please come up with an alliteration with your name and hometown.