The world of the dead

Jim and Scott are going to a private reading with a psychic who claims to be able to speak with the dead! That's right, this psychic says that he can connect the living to the world of the dead, allowing them to speak with their deceased relatives! But I have a hunch that Jim and Scott are about to get a lot more than they bargained for!

JIM: Just try to keep an open mind, OK? This is important to me.
SCOTT: It's a waste of time, that's all it is.
PSYCHIC: Hi, I'm Doug the Psychic. I hope I'll be able to connect with your relatives to put your minds and the minds of your family at ease about what happened to your loved ones and where they are now.
JIM: Me, I will. I'd like to speak to my uncle, please.
PSYCHIC: Whoa, whoa, please. I speak to the ghosts who speak to me. Does it look like I've got a telephone over here?
JIM: There's a telephone over there.
PSYCHIC: Oh, yes, right. But that's a living telephone. I speak to the ghosts who speak to me. So let's see if your uncle comes up. Oh there he is, it's your uncle.
JIM: Uncle Sam! How are you doing?
PSYCHIC: Don't say his name out loud, I was going to guess that his name was Uncle Sam.
JIM: Sorry.
SCOTT: Oh please.
JIM: Well what does my uncle say? He died--
PSYCHIC: Again, please. I don't talk about spirits having "died." I simply say that they've moved on to another spiritual plane. One in which their bodies are dead.
JIM: I understand. So it's like he's alive, only in a different place.
PSYCHIC: Not really, but we're just getting bogged down in semantics at this point. What would you like to say to your uncle?
JIM: Hiya, Uncle Sam. I hope you're doing well. I know the illness came on fast. I was wondering if you could put us at ease--did you suffer?
PSYCHIC: He says yes, he did suffer. Very much so.
JIM: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. At least there's no pain where you are now, eh old man?
PSYCHIC: Quite the contrary. Your uncle is neck-deep in boiling blood and the little skin that is exposed is being seared by flaming ash that falls from the sky like snowflakes.
JIM: What?
PSYCHIC: That's what I see. If your uncle doesn't sound like his old self, or if he's a little short with you, don't be offended. That's purely me trying to hear what I can over the sounds of his screaming and weeping and gasping for air.
JIM: You mean my uncle is in hell?
PSYCHIC: Oh no, it's not hell, not in the Biblical sense anyway.
JIM: What's the difference?
PSYCHIC: Well, hell exists only as a dichotomy with heaven. But in my experience, I've found that everyone who dies suffers immensely.
JIM: Huh.
SCOTT: This is a crock, this guy is a charlatan. Let's get out of here.
PSYCHIC: Hold it. I sense that you're skeptical.
SCOTT: Of course I am, you're making all of this up.
PSYCHIC: What if I told you that I can see your grandfather?
SCOTT: So you know my grandfather is dead, big deal. A lot of people's grandfathers have died, and besides, you could have looked it up since I gave you my name to set up this appointment.
PSYCHIC: True, but did you know that your grandfather was a sodomist?
JIM: Wow.
SCOTT: Ppph. That's on the public record.
PSYCHIC: He also says that he's very disappointed you didn't get into Wesleyan.
SCOTT: Wow. How did you know that?
PSYCHIC: That's what your grandfather told me. In between his impotent cries for mercy and nonexistence of course.
JIM: Man, I don't want to die.